Self-Aware Borderline Personality Disorder
Hello,
I don't want to diagnose myself with BPD, but several clinicians have said I have many of the symptoms of those with BPD. Emotional instability, low self-worth, attachment issues, and on top of all of this, the symptom of depression.
I was officially diagnosed at some point with Major Depressive Disorder, but I believed this was a misdiagnosis that targeted the symptoms, not the cause.
I'm now 24 and failing at creating any kind of deep connection that I desperately crave. I have become an attention seeker in the way of being talkative to everybody at work, trying to get people to like me.
In my most recent attachment, I set high expectations because of how we vibed for the first two weeks. After that, things slowly started to get worse in my eyes (which was most definitely me seeing things as black/white). This caused a shift of insecurity in me. I got jealous when they talked to other people. I had noticed they showed me sympathy when I was not having a good day and sounded sad, so I started doing that more.
I got upset when I wasn't the center of attention, especially around them. I felt like they were trying to avoid me when they said they were busy. I started to feel like I had no value in their life and I carried myself that way around them. The dynamic shifted to me pushing, and I tried so hard to regulate myself. I couldn't fully do it. I was either thinking purely rationally or purely emotionally. When they did something minor that felt like the straw that broke the camel's back, I gave them the silent treatment. They noticed, we called and I gave them my extremely unregulated thoughts. I told them all of the insecurities I had, as well as why they had upset me (they had made me a backup plan for them)
When we hung out two days ago, I felt like they didn't want to be there. I profusely apologized for how I treated them the previous week. When we went to a work event the next day, I felt like they were giving me the cold shoulder, so I told them how I felt over text, saying I felt excluded and they were uninterested in what I had to say. They said they tried to talk to me (they didn't) and that my expectations are way too high and they don't like that kind of pressure.
Getting that text felt like a shotgun to the chest. It revealed to me, objectively, how my condition affects others. It wasn't just paranoia or anxiety or low self-esteem. It made me feel so low. I had ideation that I was afraid of, but will not detail here.
I am trying to understand all of this. I don't care to keep this person in my life after this, but their words hurt me so much, and they have no idea. They couldn't have known how much those words would hurt me. It made my self awareness so much more intense and now I am thinking about everything I say and do even more.
This is painful. It's so exhausting.
@littleWater1786 Hey bro, sounds like you have been having a terrible week. Trust me, nothing is absolute. Sometimes you just have to stay strong for a period of struggling time to see the better days. this is no lie, cause I myself just escaped the stuation. I am like you, talkful to all, looking for attention and recognition, trying to make people surround me. However, things turned out that I am not charmful enough to be the centre of the crowd. I was sad and depressed, but later I realized, how stupid I was to live for others. I mean, sometimes it is good to stay alone. No complicated, terrifying relationship conflicts, no time-wasting parties where everyone gets drunk like a three-leged dog, nor annoying parters trying to borrow money from you. Days are more efficient when being alone. I can tell you that a lonely life in iceland would be my goal when I grow old. You know yourself the best, so why don't you treat yourself the best instead of wasting time on those who might not even care about you?
The other thing, speaking of depression, it is better to listen to your doctor and do whatever he asks. After all, he spent years on studying psychology. He knows the best of what to do. Don't worry too much. Play some games and try to have fun yourself. Or if you don't mind, you can talk to your families. They would not try to harm you at least. All the best. Hope to see you recover dude.
I understand how you feel. Abandonment issues are ***. I'm still learning how to deal with this pain. I can only recommend seeing yourself as a Hero on a Journey. The pain is part of your journey in this life. We need a higher goal to keep as going.