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littleWater1786
1 7,917 M Moving Along 8
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts150 Forum posts8 Forum upvotes3 Current upvotes3 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2025 Member sinceApril 26, 2024
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Agony
Anxiety Support / by littleWater1786
Last post
 August 3rd, 2024
...See more The Universe makes us all victim and perpetrator in its infinite cruelty
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Ghosted Ghosted Ghosted
Relationship Stress / by littleWater1786
Last post
 July 10th, 2024
...See more I decided to have the slightest amount of assertiveness in what I wanted out of an interpersonal relationship. When she told me she couldn't be concrete on a plan until the last minute, I got upset and backed away for a few days. She noticed and we talked it out, I ended up apologizing. When she was giving me the cold shoulder, I told her how that made me feel. She denied doing that then said I had my expectations for her set way too high. I was confused and offered to talk more about that. She never did. When she joined an event RSVP I had, I asked if we could iron things out. She said things were all good and has no problem with me. I refused to believe this. We call later that day and talk about the cold shoulder thing and the expectations thing she was talking about. It was almost an argument. I apologized for making it an argument a few days later and she ignored that text. We haven't talked in over a week. I tried reaching out yesterday and she ignored me again. Do I have this little value? Is a moment of weakness enough for somebody to just throw me to the side like I'm worthless? This has brewed an anger inside of me that I have to direct towards myself (I made the mistake of overcompensating for feeling stepped on before) or towards her (for being so immature she can't work with me on this, as we are coworkers and she can't just remove me completely). I hate this. I know there's something wrong with me but I don't know what. It's so disheartening. Why does this keep happening?
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Self-Aware Borderline Personality Disorder
Depression Support / by littleWater1786
Last post
 July 6th, 2024
...See more Hello, I don't want to diagnose myself with BPD, but several clinicians have said I have many of the symptoms of those with BPD. Emotional instability, low self-worth, attachment issues, and on top of all of this, the symptom of depression. I was officially diagnosed at some point with Major Depressive Disorder, but I believed this was a misdiagnosis that targeted the symptoms, not the cause. I'm now 24 and failing at creating any kind of deep connection that I desperately crave. I have become an attention seeker in the way of being talkative to everybody at work, trying to get people to like me. In my most recent attachment, I set high expectations because of how we vibed for the first two weeks. After that, things slowly started to get worse in my eyes (which was most definitely me seeing things as black/white). This caused a shift of insecurity in me. I got jealous when they talked to other people. I had noticed they showed me sympathy when I was not having a good day and sounded sad, so I started doing that more. I got upset when I wasn't the center of attention, especially around them. I felt like they were trying to avoid me when they said they were busy. I started to feel like I had no value in their life and I carried myself that way around them. The dynamic shifted to me pushing, and I tried so hard to regulate myself. I couldn't fully do it. I was either thinking purely rationally or purely emotionally. When they did something minor that felt like the straw that broke the camel's back, I gave them the silent treatment. They noticed, we called and I gave them my extremely unregulated thoughts. I told them all of the insecurities I had, as well as why they had upset me (they had made me a backup plan for them) When we hung out two days ago, I felt like they didn't want to be there. I profusely apologized for how I treated them the previous week. When we went to a work event the next day, I felt like they were giving me the cold shoulder, so I told them how I felt over text, saying I felt excluded and they were uninterested in what I had to say. They said they tried to talk to me (they didn't) and that my expectations are way too high and they don't like that kind of pressure. Getting that text felt like a shotgun to the chest. It revealed to me, objectively, how my condition affects others. It wasn't just paranoia or anxiety or low self-esteem. It made me feel so low. I had ideation that I was afraid of, but will not detail here. I am trying to understand all of this. I don't care to keep this person in my life after this, but their words hurt me so much, and they have no idea. They couldn't have known how much those words would hurt me. It made my self awareness so much more intense and now I am thinking about everything I say and do even more. This is painful. It's so exhausting.
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Disturbed by Thoughts
Relationship Stress / by littleWater1786
Last post
 June 26th, 2024
...See more Hello. Somebody minorly wronged me. We had hung out once and they invited me to a few things. I asked them several more times to hang out, and they always had excuses to push it off to another time without giving a concrete date/time. This last time, they said they might, if another plan didn't pan out, essentially saying I'd be their backup plan for that night. I got slightly upset about this in our conversation (it was over text, I just asked rather stern questions about what their availability meant and when we could try to schedule again) and they ended up not responding or contacting me for the next few days. I jumped to the conclusion they have been lying about wanting to hang out with me again for the past three weeks. They want the attention of me asking, or are afraid of telling me - who knows. This infuriates me. It's not easy for me to ask somebody to do something with me, and getting a rejection hurts every time. Now, I want to emotionally hurt them. I want them to think I despise them, but not to know why, or never get that confirmation that I even think about them. I want them to talk to me about it and I tell them all is good and nothing has changed. I want every interaction they have with me to be stressful. Thinking about this, emotionally abusing this person, is the only thing giving me motivation to move through this. I already have concrete plans on what I'm going to do tomorrow. The entire situation is so deranged for me. Why did I care so much about this person to where being lied to hurt me so much? Why do I feel like I know for certain they were lying? Why do I want to hurt them? Why can't I just be normal?
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