Self-Esteem
I'm a woman in my early thirties, and I have been suffering from anxiety/depression for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately, it has gradually gotten worse over the years. My self-esteem is now at an all time low. I've never had much confidence.
I had a stroke before birth, which caused some physical side effects. The muscles on my right side will spasm and tense up at random. When I'm nervous, or anxious, my muscles don't relax. It is only noticeable in my right hand, but that's enough for me to be ridiculously embarrassed. My wrist tenses up, and my hand will just go into a fist. I always try to hide my hand somehow, I've done that my entire life.
Then, jumping to when I was seven years old. I got into a car accident with my mom. She passed away, and I ended up losing my right leg, and had numerous other injuries. The right side of my face had to be rebuilt, and I have quite a few scars there. I started wearing a prosthetic right away, so I've always gotten around just fine. But, it has always been in the back of my head that I'm not normal. I've never been normal.
I started overeating after the accident. My weight has drastically gone up and down ever since. I'm now at my heaviest, and I've never felt worse. I've become painfully shy, and I feel embarrassed just leaving my house. I've always been somewhat reserved, but now it's awful.
I'm afraid of talking to people, because I'm scared of what they'll ask.
"What do you do for fun?" (Sit at home by myself)
"What do you do for work?" (Minimum wage job)
"Where did you go to school?" (Well, I've tried going to college numerous times. I drop out every time because I'm scared)
"Are you seeing anyone?' (Nope, I've never been in an actual relationship. Come to think of it, I still don't know what my sexuality is. It's been hookups at best)
I'm so lonely, it hurts. But, I also can't find a reason why someone would be interested in me. I honestly just feel useless..or worthless. I've never succeeded at anything. I just have a very mediocre life. Very plain. And I'm a physical mess. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to dislike myself, but I always have.
I feel so lost.
If you read all of this, thank you. I really do appreciate it. I don't know where else to get this out, so again, thank you. 💜
@kook9714 gives you a big hugggg. I've lost both of my legs. And half my fingers and ashamed of all the scars and stuff tpo. Even when alone I wear a blanket to cover up my embarrassing bits. I've also never dated. And no matter what your weight is you are beautiful. I know it's hard, just one step at a time sweetie. Stay strong ❤
@kook9714
You say you cannot help but to dislike yourself... may I ask why, or what you don't like?
You mention being afraid/nervous to talk to people. I believe most people are good and also have the same insecurities. I'd suggest starting small but try and talk to some people. The vast majority of us are kind. If you're lacking in social skills maybe read up on conversation techniques and then just chat someone up. The more practice you get doing it the easier it becomes. When you first start talking with someone try to keep things light
When you say you sit home for fun... I truly believe that is far more common than people realize. It seems like the social media influence has been convincing people that everyone else lives a much more exciting life than most of us really do. I sit home almost every night and I prefer it that way. There is nothing wrong with enjoying quiet time alone.
If you want to do college but the classes scare you...try doing it online. As much of a hermit/loner as I am I did prefer in person classes when I went but if being in person bothers you there are many fully online schools out there.
You mention having never been in a relationship and not knowing why someone would be interested in you. I have been working on myself lately with the idea of being the type of man that 'the woman of my dreams' is looking for. Of course I believe everyone should be true to themselves and I'm not trying to change core values or traits but I have been focused on my health and fitness. I'd like a happy, well-adjusted partner, so I'm focusing on hobbies and passions that make me happy.
I'm currently on my third divorce and struggle myself with those feelings of uselessness and worthlessness. It's like I can attract women in but after a few years when they really get to know me they cheat and/or leave. I fully understand that painful loneliness you talk about. For now, I'm just working on becoming the best version of myself. I constantly remind myself that 'normal' is overrated (and underdefined) and that we all deserve to be happy. Start with small things that bring moments of joy then work on stringing those moments together.