Sinking

I don’t know what to do anymore

this is the first time I’ve spoken on here because I’ve always been too scared to.

i hate my life and everything about myself.

I have a *** relationship with my parents mostly because I was sa’d by my dad when I was a child and when I finally gained the courage to talk to my mum about it he accused me of lying and she believed him even though she probably did it because she didn’t know what to do. Though I don’t forgive her for it. I was 10. Coming from an ethnic background my childhood consisted of ruthless punishments weekly which messed me up.

i never wanted to go to university but my mum made me so I had to pick a course which wasn’t as bad as picking law but it’s still horrible. I’m waiting for my autism and adhd diagnosis and I feel like I’m in limbo cuz it’s like I’m finding myself all over again.

my assignments are due tomorrow and they’re not done yet which has cause me so much stress because I don’t think I’ll get it done in time and I’ll fail.

ive got a holiday booked with a friend and I’m excited but I don’t wanna go cuz I’m gonna feel trapped in a country and I’m gonna get homesick and feel like ***.

ive been either drunk or high these past 5 days tryning to finish my assignments and I’ve bearly had any food or water and I don’t want any.

my friends keep cancelling plans and it makes me feel *** cuz I don’t think they wanna spend time with me even though Id never do that to them and it reminds me of how my parents would make empty promises on good days to take us out to eat or the funfair and never follow through with it.

im so tired of everything

I’ve been cutting since sixth form but I told myself it wasn’t that deep cuz it was always on my thighs and I was faking it somehow. I was clean for over a year but in February I went on a date and I told him I was asexual the first time we met but maybe he forgot or something cuz he still wanted to do stuff and I couldn’t say no and I got home, got drunk and sh.

since then I though what’s the point why did I even stop in the first place but I knew things were getting worse cuz I relapsed on my wrists which I think was a cry for help. So I told my gp I might have depression and definitely anxiety but she said it was probably low mood cuz I didn’t feel *** all the time and referred me to the boroughs talking therapy to which I’m still on the waiting list for.

whats the point then.

if I try to reach out and I’m told to wait

i cant take this anymore

my sister called me a few hours ago and told me our grandmother had passed. I like at uni and she’s told me our parents are crying.

i feel horrible cuz my grandma was planning to take me to our country in the summer but now

i wish i called her more but now she’s gone

that was the breaking point for me

i wish on everything good that i don’t wake up in the morning

i can’t do this

i wish I was never born