Stuck in a loop

@determinedSea4370 In the end, it's just me. That's who does all the work and that is the only person I can rely on. I can moan and reach out to others, but that's just a bad cope. I can daydream all I want for sympathy and rescue, but all I need is myself. So, in right fashion, I am responding to myself:

Look, you are stuck in a family that encourages drinking, isolation, judgement, and suppressing emotions. There is no sensitivity to the fact that you are depressed, probably autistic, anxious, or needing to quit alcohol. No one is going to lend you a truly sympathetic ear. No one is going to support your creative well-being. No one is going to bother to understand how much noise hurts you or how NO you don't 'deserve' a drink (to drown your daily anxiety) or to 'relax' in bed (aka bed rot because of depression). If the only way they will listen to you is if you make yourself bleed, it's not *** worth it. You have 3 friends and 1 you cannot go to for emotional support, and the other 2 are more sympathetic but also highly unreliable to be there when I need them. You're a messy melancholic introverted ball of anxious perfectionism in a job that requires an optimistic extrovert who is versatile, self-forgiving, and highly organized. Your attempts to make friends and resurrect your passion for life has fallen on its face again and again. You also feel like you cannot reach out to professionals for help, because they've either been ineffective or highly abusive. Just do yourself a favor and let yourself say that 'Wow, this sucks.' Then, turn to yourself. That is the only person who is truly going to be there and understand and help you.

1. No more drinking. Buy some NA drinks, a calendar for tracking progress and celebrating each week sober with a small reward, and be prepared to lock yourself in your room at night with the music on loud or go for long walks outside the house in the cold. NO MORE DRINKING.

2. Your parents are not allowed to know how your work day went. You put up a boundary and say which grades you taught and say it all went fine and you are ready for the next day of teaching. Lie. Text your unreliable friends if you need to vent and make sure to record the truth of each day in your journal. You are not going to trust your parents with the depth of your emotional dysregulation ever again. BOUNDARIES. 

3. Switch to tea. The coffee is not good for your anxiety and also not good for keeping you hydrated. It doesn't matter that your dad makes a pot to share with you in the morning. You know it's not good for you and he can just *** off. 

4. If you are feeling overstimulated in an environment, don't just suffer through it. Get up and move. It's NOT worth the rage and anxiety. If anyone tries to make you feel like a freak for retreating to a bathroom, garage, closet, or the storage room, just *** them and you do you. You are just trying to survive. 

5. You don't need the excuse of drinking to stop you working after 5pm. If you are exhausted, you can just STOP- it doesn't matter if you have the cognitive ability to continue, you can honestly just say *** it and stop and know that you have no failed and you aren't a bad person for needing to take a break for the day. 

@determinedSea4370 well through all the crap your going through, at least you have your head screwed on right ❤ life is hard, life sucks! But if the world didn't suck, we'd all  off🙂 it's hard to just have yourself to rely on, to keep you on track🙁 so there ain't no harm in reaching out here and seeking validation, we all need that ❤ those goals you just have yourself, I really hope you can stick to, and if not that's ok to. We all need to be a little more kind to ourselves ❤ your a teacher, that's an amazing job. You shape the minds of many kids, and inspire them through all their crap! Maybe that could be your motivation🙂 knowing you have the power to change those kids lives ❤❤ gives you a giant tiny hug ❤❤ always hold on to hope above anything else ❤