TW: SH
I thought I was doing better lately, but I guess not.
My boyfriend helped me get better and I did a lot for myself to get out of the deep hole I had been in, it worked fine, but of course I had small relapses and days where I'd feel bad or just not like myself. However, every time I felt bad my boyfriend would support me, but lately it's just been a burden on him and I feel so sorry. But he's hurting me too with this. He's acting so selfish and different lately that it hurts me too. I don't really know what I want to say, really, but all I know is that we had an argument the other day and I just told him "don't worry, all is fine i'll just pretend so." And since then started pretending like everything is fine. He bought it, for some reason. For some reason he thinks my happiness is real. I've been trying to at least get out of social dates since I really don't have the mental capacity for that, but he said we'll go on a date in the mall next week. I love spending time with him, but that made me cry. I just lately feel like I can't tell him everything anymore and now I'm back to venting online or to my stuffed animals. My thighs burn, too. Yeah I had stopped, but it was too much and now I'm here again. The difference? I didn't tell him. I couldn't tell him because he still thinks everything is fine. He still thinks I'm fine even though I'm really not. But he's been giving me the feeling that I can't talk to him about my problems anymore and now I have nobody again. I'm all alone again with my thoughts and problems and ugh my thighs burn.
@AliceRndom
Hey, I just want to start by saying I hear you. I really do. And I’m so, so sorry that you’re feeling this way right now. It’s exhausting, carrying so much pain while pretending everything is okay. I know it feels like you’re alone in this, like you don’t have anyone to turn to, but please know you’re not alone. Even if it feels that way right now, I promise you’re not.
I know your boyfriend has been a source of support in the past, and it hurts that it doesn’t feel the same now. That kind of shift is confusing, frustrating, and just downright painful. And I get why you started pretending sometimes it’s easier to fake being okay than to risk feeling like a burden. But let me say this as clearly as I can: You are not a burden. Your feelings are not a burden. Your pain is not too much.
You deserve support, love, and understanding. And if your boyfriend isn’t in a place where he can give that right now, that doesn’t mean you have to go through this alone. There are people who care, who want to help, who want to listen. You don’t have to hold all of this inside.
And I know you mentioned your thighs. I know that pain feels like the only way to make everything a little quieter, a little easier to bear but you don’t deserve to hurt yourself. You don’t deserve more pain on top of what you’re already feeling. I know stopping is hard. I know the urges can feel unbearable. But you’ve fought through this before, and you can again. You are stronger than you feel right now.
Please, please don’t shut yourself off from the world. Even if your boyfriend doesn’t feel like a safe space right now, there are people who will hold space for you. You are not alone. You matter. Your pain is real, and so is your worth. And I’m really, truly sorry that you’re hurting. If there’s anything I can do, I’m here.
Thats really just so sweet of you, I don't know what to really say. It's all just a lot, because my only three friends are all mentally unavailable (I got a sh call from one of them yesterday) and so are my parents, it's all just a lot right now with school (which I'm failing) and personal relationships.
But thank you, your words helped me somewhat. I'm sure I'll get through the day. The week even. But let's focus on getting through today (it's only 7:24 for me after all, I just woke up hah). Thank you a lot, its just hard always being the helping person and when you finally find someone that let's you be broken and he suddenly goes "Yeah, no I don't want you to be broken anymore" it sucks. I think I just cut myself a little on the pieces he made with this (I like metaphors). I don't want to be like this, but it's just who I am and I can't get better with the flick of an eye, but I can try getting better this year. I've been "alone" before so why should I need someone now? I've always relied on strangers on the Internet for some reason, but look, you're very helpful and made me smile, so strangers on the Internet might not be that bad..
@AliceRndom
Feel free to connect with me I'll be here for you and with you for your support
How can I dm you? I haven't really private messaged anyone on this app
@AliceRndom
You can go on my profile and check messages option
