Therapist more concerned about me than I am about myself- anyone relate?
So, I updated my therapist on how I've been tracking my moods and they are almost consistently averaging between meh and bad with dips into awful at least once a week where I have a breakdown in my car and come up with a plan to off myself. I scream and cry until my voice gives out and my blood vessels pop and I break things in my car and bang my body parts until I bruise. It is violent when things are awful. When things are not awful but still bad, which is almost every day, I turn to self harm or alcohol. My therapist asked if my behavior scared me. I said that it didn't- I just see my behavior as something expected for my current situation and moods and my past. He is urging me to get on antidepressants. I guess I could give that a whirl again. He's actually angry at my psyhiatrist for giving me anti-craving medication for the alcohol abuse but no antidepressants. To me, I guess I just try to normalize how bad things are, so for someone else to actually stop me and go 'nope. this is really unsafe. you need more support.' is kind of jarring and disturbing. A certain anxiety has been dogging me since the session this morning and it is making it even harder to function than normal.
Has anyone ever had a professional/friend/mentor be more concerned about you than you are about yourself?
I guess I just feel like a bit of a basketcase, that's all.
@determinedSea4370 Certainly, at times in my life, I have been less concerned about myself than others have been. I'm glad you have someone to take care of you and who shows concern.
Sometimes, we learn not to value ourselves, so having other people value us feels weird and jarring. Part of healing will mean accepting that we have value, which is painful--because if we have value and others didn't value us, we have to grieve that. So not being worried, not being concerned about yourself, is a way, potentially, of devaluing yourself--which can be a way of protecting yourself from pain.
I wish you the best in your journey toward your best self.
@convivialStrawberries8026 Thank you so much. You're right about that self value.
@determinedSea4370
Has anyone ever had a professional/friend/mentor be more concerned about you than you are about yourself?
Yes. I have.
Not a friend or mentor bc outside of this online community I don’t/have never had any friends and I’ve never had any mentors.
But my therapist is definitely more concerned about me than I am however it’s completely unnecessary. After all I’ve said and discussed the concern should be about others I’ve spoken about way more than me.
@akunknown I'm sorry you feel like your therapist isn't directing their attention in the right direction. But, are you benefitting at all from the attention on you?
@determinedSea4370
Yes and no.
Yes bc someone’s finally listening to me which I’ve never had before in my life. My therapist is the only one outside of people on this site who listens to me. At least more than anyone else does.
But at the same time, no bc I don’t need or desire all the attention I’m receiving from my therapist as it should be given to others who refuse therapy and needs to be convinced to reconsider it so their problems can be acknowledged which will eventually lead to them being solved along with them being given an official diagnosis and treatment if needed