Unlovable, unlikable.

Everywhere on every supportive site, they repeat "You're not alone".

But the harsh reality, is that there are people who are indeed alone, hearing someone else telling them they're not alone.

A lot of the times, they come out of someone who don't understand how deeply harmful it feels to be unloved.

I tried to love myself.

Tried loving God.

But the results are always the same.

I'm not worthy of being loved, it's always been proven.

No matter what I do.

What I try.

Being mean, and being kind.

They all end up the same.

Why?

Because in my core self, I'm just unlovable.

I respected boundaries.

Swallowed hard pills of acceptance towards others.

My parents, my exes, my friends, and recently, the one I love the most above all.

My little sister.

Nobody wants me.

Nobody even needs me.

I suppose I'm meant to be like this.

Some people are just fated with being unloved.

And I'm one one them.

I feel so much ache in my heart.

My narcissistic mom's daily poisonous words.

The fragility of my grandma, which I currantly live with with that mom.

The deep loneliness.

The amount of love I had, which I hoped that my little sister receives, but ended up being totally rejected.

I kept respecting her boundaries, without guilt tripping her.

She never texted first.

I never pushed her for a conversation.

But when we talked, I've listened to her properly, respect her feelings, compliment her, trying my best to be there for her, even when she made a prank about being hurt just to see my reaction.

She's 14, so I suppose she is like that.

I've wanted to show love to her more openly by hugging or holding hands, same way siblings does.

But I don't initiate it because she's uncomfortable with it, so I respected the boundary despite it making me feel an empty ache.

And now, she's put another boundary that I'm not allowed to say any affectionate or playful words to her.

Whats next? a total cut off?

I'm just rotting here in my room, with my narcissistic mom next room, and my fragile grandma, all alone.

Nobody visits.

Nobody does anything.

The idea of finding friends is meaningless.

It's like telling you to go eat a pizza in place of the feeling of safety, love, belonging, and security, and the feeling of being validated and acknowledged.

They're all human needs.

A pizza will taste good.

But it's just a very short band aid.

And obviously, finding a romantic partner is a stupid thought, and is very selfish, especially on this timing where I feel alone the most.

And God, he just doesn't want me, he's putting me in an unfair test of a long life road as an unlovable person.

That's not nowhere humane.

I just can't do it.

I don't know what to do anymore.

When I came back to my original country after 9 years outside, I looked up to knowing my little sister, build a safe connection with her.

Not to depend on it like an anchor, but to see it as purpose, meaning.

Being a good older brother with a little sister he hasn't seen since she was a baby, who is a teen now.

It felt like my only hope.

Next to the hope of my cousins visiting me.

But no.

Every one's busy.

And I understand, they all got their lives.

But it doesn't erase the amount of pain and hopelessness that I feel deeply..

Talking to someone doesn't feel like it will help.

Perhaps it does, but it's another band aid.

What am I even supposed to do?

When the creator is making my road lonely, telling me to deal with it.

And the lack of ability to feel any real help from the creations?

What do I even do?

I'm so done with everything.

I didn't wish for death this strong before.

I really wish for everything to end.

Everything is too painful in this *** country.

I told myself that the presence of my family, my relatives, and my little sister would give me a sense of purpose in the middle of my pain and efforts.

But it all seems meaningless.

I'm just purely an unlovable human being.

The world would be better off without me..

I'm not even saying that to seek attention, but it's a truth that I believe in fully.