Unstable

I recognize that I am currently going through a depressive episode but...it's just difficult to deal with sometimes... The meds I was prescribed have been making me feel numb, empty, and purposeless, as well as cause nightmares every night, especially traumatic ones that are caused through my PTSD. I don't enjoy sleeping all that much. I have even gotten a panic attack, and dissociated completely.

I tend to shut everyone out when I'm depressed. I noticed that I feel hopeless, lost, unlikeable, and alone...it's hard to shut off these feelings that I tend to just shut down and run away from everything for a while. It hasn't really been working out with the doctor. None of the meds have helped with my pain or mental issues... I noticed I feel better when I [TRIGGER WARNING: (legal) drugs] smoke MJ or consume edibles. It helped with my chronic pain and mental pain so much.

I sometimes wonder if maybe stepping away from the online world more often would be helpful...I used to be more active in real life until I became disabled. Now, I just feel downtrodden and tired... I feel less attached to people as well. It's hard not to feel this way after many traumatic experiences. I feel more cynical and pessimistic. I try to look on the "bright side" of everything, but it's too painful..."Fake it till you make it" is not working for me.

I think maybe I need to do a digital detox and focus on some goals. I feel sometimes I use websites like this (7cups) as a crutch, instead of working on my problems. It is a distraction, and I get lost in this vicious cycle of not really improving. I need to improve. I NEED to get out of this rut. I don't want to be here, in the same loop, the same, depressive cycle. I want to move on with my life and truly just feel OK. I'm tired of not really being OK. I'm actually not OK anymore. However, the only way to pull myself out of there is to focus on my goals. To focus on my life -- not distract myself or wallow in my own pity... Maybe I should take a long break from 7cups?

I have tried before, but have felt extremely lonely... I don't have friends in real life. I don't have much support either. I have tried leaving a few times, but keep crawling back. I need to be more firm with my resolve. I might take a break again, I'm going to try... Maybe a few months? I have MANY plans, and I need to figure out what I want to do to achieve the goals I have...to make sure my little one has a good life. I didn't have a great childhood, as it was riddled with abuse, so I want to make sure the little one has a good one.

I'm going to work hard. I'm going to try. I might not be OK but that is OK. I'm going to try to climb out of this hole. The only person who can help me best is myself. I need to trust in myself. I need to work hard. I need to focus. I'll figure out some methods on how to cope with the depression...since nothing is really working for the moment...Maybe fresh air is all I need? I used to go for walks quite a bit, I can't do so as much, but that's OK. Baby steps. I'm going to try...I'll be OK in the end...I hope...