ImpudentIncognito Member Profile

˚⋆˗ˏˋ☕︎ˎˊ˗ Cog & Jae's Lounge ˗ˏˋ☕︎ˎˊ˗⋆˚

Pen Pals / by ImpudentIncognito

11 hours ago

Failure

Depression Support / by ImpudentIncognito

April 25th

...See more I didn't want to really come back to 7cups with my problems but.... I don't have anywhere else to really turn to, and kind of trying to find others who can relate. I was attempting to improve my life, but it feels more like 1 step forward and 2 steps back... I feel like just laying down and never getting back up again. However, I can't do that when the little one relies on me heavily... My post was initially WAY longer, but I guess it had trigger words, that the cr1sis pop-up kept showing and I had to edit multiple times, though couldn't figure out WHAT triggered it that I'm starting over fresh, albeit with a shorter, less passionate post as I feel exhausted... I'm just tired of the chronic pain. I'm tired of the PTSD, depression, anxiety, and agoraphobia. I'm tired that I don't have support in real life and feel alone. I'm tired that when I finally find the courage to leave my house, I get harassed by strangers. I'm tired that when I decided to be open on the purple "Disgust" instant messaging app, that I get back stabbed. Never was a fan of social media, so planning on deleting that along with the red app "Cora". I don't know if I want to try as hard anymore with building bonds outside of 7cups, I'm OK with being anonymous here...I'm not OK anymore with opening up heavily to people I know or meet now. I need a lot of time to recuperate... I'm tired of pretending to be OK when I haven't been for ages. I just want to vent out these bottled feelings, but can't fully do that due to it being censored on here...sadly...Although, it's better than having nowhere else to throw these feelings. I've tried to rebuild my life and improve. I quit alcohol, weed for over 100+ days. I've gone to the hospital to improve both my mental and physical health. I try to eat better and no longer eat take up. I've attempted to go outside, even though I have extreme agoraphobia due to someone I trusted attempting to delete me from the world and causing permanent physical damage and possible brain damage. I'm trying to do online classes for a license I want, even though I really can't work anymore due to the dizziness, nauseous, pain, lightheadedness, etc that I experience nearly daily... I just...sometimes feel like nothing is really working... I'll leave it at that for now, the more I write it might get censored again.

Venting about trauma

Trauma Support / by ImpudentIncognito

April 9th

...See more It's been awhile a little while since I have been on 7cups. I took a month break to get my priorities straight but...now I'm back! I'm still trying to recover from some trauma and feel like venting a bit and what better place to do that than here? Some of this might not be in chronological order, however...I felt it was easier to categorize my thoughts in order to express what I want to say better. :: Background :: In terms of where my (diagnosed) PTSD came from -- I grew up in a dysfunctional household where my parents were physically and verbally abusive... I won't go into detail, but my mother has also SA me too while growing up. After I left the household at 18 years old, I was doing my own thing for many, many years. I've dealt with unhealthy friendships where they talked down on me and used me for money along the way. Then, I was in an abusive relationship at some point in my life for 3-4 years with my alcoholic ex-fiancé whom I had a child with. I ended up escaping him and have a restraining order. My ex's family is filled with violent alcoholics and greedy people, so the little one isn't around them either for that reason. My younger brother ended up "hooking me up" with his friend, when I was looking for a serious relationship and who badly used me for money and comfort. He ended up being a druggie party animal...then ghosted me until to be with another women and only called me back to let me know he found someone else but wanted me on the backburner as option B... He never liked "labels", but we made an agreement that he would tell me if he found someone else, so I could move on. He'd say things like how he "loves" me and couldn't imagine me not in his life, blah blah. Well, after all the baloney I dealt with, I wished him a good life and changed my number and dropped contact with him. I've gone on a few other dates with some other people and it was...difficult. [TRIGGER WARNING - bisexuality & identity] I tried dating women as well, as before I knew I was bi, I thought I was a lesbian since grade school...the dating world was difficult to manage. I also thought I should have been born a man so I would be "straight" and was a "transboy" as a teenager but detransitioned(long story and some stuff related to culture). But anyways, eventually, I found my current partner who has been amazing! I'm in a hetero relationship current (partner is male, I'm female). I like to use the term partner because BF/GF...sounds like something younger folks might use and I'm also not married (yet) nor engaged (yet). I haven't proposed (yet) because of financial issues, so I have opted to use the term partner for the time being. :: Health :: My health problems began in 2017 when I was hit by a car while walking. I used to walk home from work many moons ago...Then in 2021, [TRIGGER WARNING: Domestic Violence] my ex-fiancé nearly deleted my existence, and worsened my chronic pain. I was also told during the instance that I may brain damage. I did not notice the chronic pain as much, due to me drinking alcohol and eating edibles (MJ)... I used it to cope with both the mental and physical pain. I have been going in and out of the hospital since Autumn 2023 up till now to recover. I quit drinking alcohol and smoking MJ/eating edibles for over 3 months now. The first month of quitting made my chronic pain worse, I was feeling nauseous all the time and the sharp pain in my chest & ribs were more prominent (I think the pain has subside a little bit now, maybe). :: Trauma :: Apart from the trauma I mentioned, I have experienced homelessness after my 2nd oldest brother lied to me about being able to take over his lease and giving me only a day or two notice....and I have experienced eviction, job loss, car loss, and temporary custody removed from me after calling the cops on my ex. I have experience so much mental and physical pain these past few years and it has made my depression and PTSD worse. I used to use MJ and alcohol to cope, but I don't want to do that anymore...So I take meds, but I'm not sure it's working. It's just...OK I guess. ::Work/Career:: I haven't been very lucky in this regard...I would normally get hired right away, work my butt off, then the manager would give me "supervisor" type duties without the title or pay, but when my little one would get sick or I needed time off due to illness, the team would get angry with me...I was always treated as a number instead of a person and was milked for everything I can do for others and talked down on. This time around though, I'm changing careers to where I can (mostly) work for myself then eventually do my own business. Working towards a real estate license -- then when I make enough money, buy my own property and rent them out for passive income... I have also made "friends" in the workplace, but end up getting treated as the "entertaining monkey" or "money bags" so...I don't think I will be making friends this time around at work and will keep it strictly professional. I just see myself as an open book (for the most part). I try to be genuine. Many decades ago, I used to be more reserved and mysterious, I suppose. Not many people knew much about me, but maybe I'll go back to that. I only care about my family (son & partner). They'll get to always see the authentic me. :: Relationships :: Family - My mother's side of the family is from a different country and she immigrated here and is highly religious (my father is also very religious as well). I'm not religious at all and have always been the black sheep. If anything went wrong, I was to be blamed or hit...I grew up with all brothers and was the only female sibling, so I spent a lot of time alone and locked up in my room. Did not have the same privileges as my brothers. My oldest brother is very obedient to my parents are currently lives with my mother who is 1,000+ kilometers away from me. My 2nd oldest is very "macho man" and thinks it's too "girly" to even help a woman hold her purse (I feel bad for any future GF) and believes in traditional gender roles. My youngest brother is an alcoholic and drug addict who parties a lot and leeches on other people. Him and my 2nd oldest get along extremely well and complain about women all the time. It's really obnoxious. They both live together and we all live in the same city/state... Friends - I currently only have online friends. Due to my extreme agoraphobia due to people nearly deleting my existence and dealing with stalkers...I don't go outside. However, I will be moving out of this city soon with my (long distance) partner! Away from the painful memories and will also feel safer elsewhere. I plan on making friends in real life once I move and feel more established. I feel maybe I need to spend some time first working on myself and maybe going to support groups that specialize in trauma, so I do a better job of making healthier friendships. Romantic - As I have mentioned, I am currently dating my (long distance) partner. We met through an online app and have been dating for about 8 months now. Before getting into a relationship with him, I went to several DV support group meetings to not end up in the same situations I was in the past. I learnt a lot from my mistakes. My current partner has many good qualities and green flags. He understands what I've gone through and similar to me, he is also diagnosed with depression & PTSD. I plan on waiting a few years before I propose to my partner, maybe 3+ once our finances are stable. We've been talking a lot about our future and what we want from life. He's pretty much my best friend. <3

Meal Routine, Diet, and Prepping

Healthy Living / by ImpudentIncognito

April 8th

...See more 1) What does your meal routine look like? 2) What's your diet like? (ex. Keto, Paleo, Vegetarian, Omnivore, Lactose-Free, etc) 3) Do you meal prep? If you do, what does it look like? 4) What is your favourite meal? 5) Anything else you would like to add? Hello! I'm trying to turn my life around and eat healthier. I've had a hard time gaining/keeping weight, and lost a lot after quitting MJ and alcohol (and was homeless at one point...). I want to try and meal prep and eat better. I do not have a sweet tooth at all, so not worried about sweets/sugar so much (though, I think I'm supposed to have a certain level of sugar in my system? Which I can probably get from drinking an electrolyte drink). I tend to eat VERY spicy foods, but it's been getting to the point of hurting my chest, that I may have to stop eating spice... it might be healthier if I do... I went on a cooking spree for a week or two and but...whenever I cook, I still hardly have an appetite and never really enjoy the food. Everyone tells me my cooking is good/enjoyable but...I have no joy from it. I do enjoy cooking, but I don't enjoy eating...I see cooking as an art, and find it fun. I think in my last post here I mentioned I was living with my brothers back in 2022-- I have been living alone with just my preschool aged son since 2023 up till now. Although, my long distance partner and I are going to move in together soon and are planning to live a healthier life style. He is attempting to lose weight and I'm attempting to gain weight. I don't want my bad eating habits to transfer to my son. He's a bit of a picky eater, but it's normal. Plus, I heard autistic kids can be picky? Not entirely sure -- I try to make fun meals that he enjoys. I usually have the rule of "Try a bite, and if you don't like it, don't eat it" -- he usually likes it after trying it, so that's why I have that rule. I make sure to try it too to ensure the food is good, if not, I won't force him to. My son is also lactose-intolerant and I personally don't like the taste of dairy (Idk, just never really have?) so I use substitutes for dairy products whenever I can. My son though...he LOVES dairy. He loves pizza, ice cream, cheese bread, quesadillas, etc. I let him have it--- but only in VERY small doses OR if it's lactose-free. I got this delicious lactose-free ice cream that we both share. Anyways, just wanted to hear your guy's thoughts! Thanks for reading. /ᐠ - ˕ -マ₊˚⊹♡₊ ⊹

Chronically Online -- Taking a break

General Support / by ImpudentIncognito

April 11th

Help: "Uh oh! An error was encountered saving your post. (Code 064)"

Site Updates / by ImpudentIncognito

March 13th

What would help with trauma?

Trauma Support / by ImpudentIncognito

March 10th

...See more What would help you heal or cope with your trauma? For me...I think if I moved out of this city/state and far away from my abusers, it will help with my extreme agoraphobia and I'll feel at peace. My partner and I are already making plans to move, but have to get stable jobs first. I'm recovering from medical issues and will (hopefully) finish the classes in my field of study to get licensed. Furthermore, he is currently finishing up schooling to get the license in the field he wants. He's actually the top of his class. In his personal life, he hit a few snags along the way (it's a long story...) but is getting it figured out. We also plan to buy a home and buy some cars....I've dealt with homelessness/evictions, and have had my car repossessed in the past...This was due to leaving my (abusive) ex-fiancé who nearly made me unalive...It was a domino effect of losing my job, home, car, etc.... So...This time around, I want to own a home and own a car to feel stability. I guess my final answer on what I'm really seeking to help with the trauma is distance from abusers and finding stability in my life...as well as living in a loving home with my partner and son. Right now, I'm in contact with one of my former abusers (my mother, who was physically & verbally abusive and SA me...) due to my medical issues and me being unable to work, and I live in a place that makes me fearful (this current city/state where I accumulated more trauma...) I'm hoping to get government assistance while I'm out of work, pay my former abuser back the money I borrowed to prevent eviction, and go back to no-contact...I also hope to save money to move out of here. I feel very depressed most days, and some of the smallest things can trigger my PTSD or remind me of things I don't want to remember....

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