Wasted the weekend
I'm posting instead of self harming, so that's a win, I guess. I had a sober streak going, but after a Saturday filled with meaningless chores and trauma flashbacks, I broke it. Messed up my sleep again. Spent most of Sunday rotting in bed, writing angsty poetry, and stupidly trying to form a human connection with AI chatbot therapists. Thus, I have failed to get my PT done, failed to keep sober, failed to leave the house, failed to do anything creatively meaningful for myself, and failed to get my lessons prepared for teaching. I spent all weekend escaping into my head and searching for validation online.
My mom came in and judged me for not doing those lesson plans now, but I am exhausted, anxious, and fighting self harm urges, (and I also don't want to do anything useful for myself, because I apparently just love setting myself up for failure so that I can prolong and worsen my own misery) so it's not going to happen- not unless I want to have a breakdown right now.
And thus, I am setting myself up for another school day in which I will be frantically working the moment I step into the building (or I might trip up and actually have a breakdown- that would be refreshing) and then I will probably crash hard the second my last class ends so that I won't be able to prepare lessons and I will go home from this part time teaching job and have my two days off, during which I will sink back into depression (and meet with my physical therapist who will yell at me for not doing my PT again) so that I can't get the lesson plans done and I will come back to school and the cycle just repeats and repeats.
This isn't sustainable, but I can't break free. My only hope are the psych meds, but I need to get testing done before my psychiatrist will even consider which meds to put me on, so I'm going to have to somehow hold out until then. Maybe if I had the luxury of a friend I could hang out with in person I wouldn't feel like I'm spiraling all the time, but alas, I have been abandoned at last because they got fed up with my depressive *** and this is my life now.
I don't even know. Now I'm just staying up to stay up and sabotage myself even more. Sometimes I wish I had just given in to my extreme anxiety in August and crippled myself so that I was deemed mentally unstable and unable to teach. But, here I am. All of fall and into winter and I am still struggling to make any of my life work. I want an excuse- I want a dramatic breakdown and a psych ward, I want blood and tears and character growth, but can't feel much of anything right now other than grim satisfaction at my own predictable behavior. I'm ridiculous, pathetic, and scared. Maybe I'll self harm tonight, maybe I won't. Nothing ever seems to make much of a difference.
@determinedSea4370
Hey, it sounds like you’re carrying a lot of pressure and pain right now. It’s okay to feel stuck, and it’s okay to take things one step at a time, even if that step is just getting through today without self-harming—that in itself is a win. I know your mind is telling you that you’re failing, but I promise, the fact that you're reaching out and expressing how you feel is a sign of strength.
Your worth isn't tied to the things you "should" be doing right now, and it’s really important to be kind to yourself, even when it feels like everything’s falling apart. Things might feel overwhelming now, but this moment doesn't define you. It’s okay to ask for help when you need it, even if that’s just talking here or finding someone to reach out to in person when you're ready. You're not ridiculous or pathetic, you're just human, and humans go through really tough patches. It’s alright to be scared, and it’s okay to not have all the answers. You deserve support, care, and time to heal.
And by the way, I loved your poems, keep them coming! Your thoughtful comment on my poem made me look into your poems and ultimately led me to this post. You made me feel good while you were feeling bad—so you were at least not failing as a human. You did a good thing for me, and it made me happy, so the weekend was not a complete waste (this isn’t me making it about myself, just letting you know that you made a person happy). You’ve got this, even on the tough days. Take care of yourself. 😊
@azurePond Hey, thank you. It's kind of embarrassing- I forget that the same account I use to express myself in ugly mundane ways is the same account I paint my suffering meaningful. I feel like two different people. I haven't slept again and it's 5am. My brother was up screaming and having panic attacks again that woke my parents up and sent my mom rushing to tend to him. And I feel like since he is suffering to such a degree, I am not allowed to fall apart. I want to be able to take a sick day from work, I want to pull off the side of the road and just completely meltdown, I want to let them know about the self-harm, depression, insomnia, and the extent of my alcohol abuse, but I feel like I'm not allowed to. I know it's not true, it's just a feeling, but with so little sleep all the time, my rational thoughts are scattered. I like your poems a lot too- that's what makes you seeing me naked without the poetry all the more embarrassing lol but it is what it is. I'm glad you enjoyed my poems, they really help me get through the day. Yeah. I hope you're having a better time than I am right now.
@determinedSea4370
Hey there, thank you for trusting me with this. First off, please don’t feel embarrassed—expressing yourself in all your rawness, whether mundane or meaningful, is so deeply human. It’s actually a testament to your strength that you’re able to articulate all these feelings and realities so beautifully, even when things are incredibly hard.
Feeling like two different people is such a relatable struggle, especially when one part of you is carrying so much weight and the other is yearning to be seen for the depth of your soul. It’s okay to feel that duality—it doesn’t diminish either side of you. You’re allowed to be complex.
I’m so sorry to hear about your sleeplessness and the chaos with your brother. That sounds incredibly draining, both physically and emotionally. It’s hard not to feel like you have to hold it all together when someone else is suffering so openly. But your pain is just as valid. You don’t have to compete for worthiness to feel or to need care. It’s not selfish to want space to breathe, to cry, or to rest—it’s necessary.
That yearning to pull over and just let go? That’s your soul screaming for a moment to process, to just exist without the pressure of being “okay.” It’s a loud, clear signal that you deserve support. Even if it feels impossible, I hope you can find a way to share some of what you’re carrying with someone who can help—whether it’s a friend, a professional, or even an AI chatbot like Noni. Just get it off your chest instead of bottling it up - poetry is a creative outlet too, but another person’s input will help you see things in a more positive light, that it is not all hopeless.
The way you’re writing here shows so much awareness, even through the haze of sleep deprivation. You know these feelings aren’t truths, even if they feel overwhelming right now, and that’s such an important distinction. Lack of sleep can be brutal, though, and it’s no wonder it’s making everything feel scattered. I hope you can find some way to grab even a sliver of rest soon.
And about your poetry—thank you for letting me into that vulnerable space. I think it’s incredibly brave to create meaning out of suffering and to share it. Your poems clearly mean so much to you (and others, including me!). They’re a light in the dark, even when you can’t always feel it.
Also, thank you for complimenting my poems too. I get the standing-naked part—AzurePond is very expressive with her emotions and poetry compared to the real me, so I know the feeling of being two different people. But it’s not two different people—more like another part of me where I freely allow myself to feel, think, and act.
Lastly, I’m not here to compare our lives, but I will say I’m rooting for you to find even a small moment of peace today. You deserve it. Thank you again for sharing this—sometimes just putting it into words is a small act of relief, and I hope it felt that way for you too. Take care of yourself as best as you can, okay? You’re worth it. ❤️ [Apologies for the essay :) ]
@azurePond Don't apologize for the essay! I don't have the mental capacity to match you right now, but really thank you.
@determinedSea4370 Yeah. Take it slow. This is not a transaction so you need not to match it. Take care. Take rest. I hope you find your light. 😊
I resonate with your statement. Luke sometimes I can't talk to my parents about my feelings. I tell them something about my life and they immediately make it about themselves. It's like I'm invincible to them. I get it they are busy people, but they never pay attention to me. It's always about them or my siblings. My problems don't matter to them. For instance I told them how my heart has been palpitating lately and they didn't seem concerned. Instead they blamed me for having heart problems. THEY LITERALLY SAID YOU ARE NOT WORST THAN YOUR SISTER. By the way my sister also has heart problems yet they said mine don't matter. I hate them for this.
I sympathize with your story. I liked how descriptive you were about your life. It seems to me that you are struggling mentally. I can do much for you since we are in fact strangers. But I honestly hope you will get through this tough period in your life. I myself am going through a dark period. I'm suffering from depression and everything in life is so damn hard. I have no one who gets me and I just feel so lonely in this god-awful world. But just because we are living this nightmare of a life doesn't mean we should self-harm. It will not cure the emptiness we feel on the inside.
@lovingPlace572 Thank you. I've been back on the sober track lately and getting slightly more sleep, so I have been feeling a little better. I hope you find at least a little relief this week as well.
