What is dipression for me?

Depression is crying in your room on function, for no reason, when your whole family is downstairs playing games and having fun.

Depression is wishing time would hurry up from 5pm, so I can go to sleep - and only managing to hold out until 7:30pm before giving in. Depression is wishing time would hurry up from 7am, so I can finally scape the school because this place suffocates me.

Depression is that yearning to escape this life, but not daring to do it to my family, mostly because I was still here after the last time to see how broken they were and I don't want to make them more sad.

Depression is not giving a *** About anything. Yes there are still people I love - but I don't want to see them. Because I'm not me, my mind and heart are not mine lately, and I don't want them seeing me this way also they don't care about me if I'm alive or not.

Depression is self-sabotaging my own future, out of hopeless fear and lack of motivation. Cannot tell you how many times I've heard "we don't see any passion or enthusiasm from you." But they didn't ask we what I like to do.

Depression is dreading the start of a new day that will be just as aimless and boring as the last.

Depression is calling in sick because every fibre of my being is lacking energy and I am physically and mentally incapable of faking normality today. Im so lost in my head I cannot find a way out some days.

Depression is silent. I do not talk to justify or explain myself - there is no point. I do not talk of my interests or things I enjoy - there is nothing right now. I do not talk to hold a conversation - my mind is too blank.

Depression is occasionally laughing a little harder and a little longer than everyone else, because it's been so long since I found anything funny. Depression is overcompensating by smiling a lot - because I don't want people to see the sadness and negativity, I smile when someone asks me how I am, and although I sometimes want to tell them the truth, that I’m not ok, I’m not ok at all, I stay quiet and I smile and I say I’m fine. How are you? It’s only courteous after all.

For all the times I cry, I smile just the same. Depression isn’t a lack of smiling. Depression is just a different meaning behind the smile.

I cry alot but Alone in a dark room where no one can see the real me. I’m depressed and I’m angry and I’m hurt and lonely and scared, and sometimes I question everything and I want it all to stop, to end, to go to black so that I can have a break from the sadness and the pain.

It comes in waves. The pain comes in vicious waves that occasionally start small and build up into your hands and your throat and your chest. Sometimes they knock you off your feet from the beginning. The pain is so intense and so concentrated in your stomach and your heart that you think it won’t end, and this place, where you’re standing right now, is where One look at me and you’d never see the hurricane brewing beneath the surface. You’d never see the noise and the chaos that fills my thoughts. You wouldn’t see me drowning in my own mind, consumed with fear and sadness, suffocating in the anxiety and the hurt and the loneliness.

Depression is not showering for a week, rarely making any effort in your physical appearance, and only leaving my house only for school. 

Depression is a fear, but a fear of yourself. A fear that you’re not good enough. That you’ll never amount to anything. That time is passing you by and you’re not accomplishing anything. That you’re wasting your life. That you’re just lazy. That you won’t. Not that you can’t but that you won’t. Depression pits you against yourself and turns your life into a battle. Against the voice in your head, against the pull that drags you away from happiness, and you spend so much time and energy on this battle that you don’t notice your life coming and going before your eyes.

Depression is a pit. It’s a cave that you’re chained inside of and you scratch and pull at the chains until your fingernails crack and bleed and you scream until your voice is sore but no one comes for you. No one even hears. Or maybe they do, but you can’t tell because they won’t look at you. You feel as though you’re screaming in their ears that you’re being pulled into the cave, that you’re dying, and in pain, and helpless, and they never even look up.

 One look at me and you’d never see the hurricane brewing beneath the surface. You’d never see the noise and the chaos that fills my thoughts. You wouldn’t see me drowning in my own mind, consumed with fear and sadness, suffocating in the anxiety and the hurt and the loneliness.

Because all I do is smile, smile and smile....