Why I’m close to ending it all

You might think it’s a small thing — not worth suffering over. But please believe me: when an Egyptian man comes to Reddit to speak honestly, it’s probably one step before suicide.

Why am I suicidal?

Because I feel like a failure in everything — even in things I never chose for myself.

I’m 31 years old. I live in Egypt. I’m Muslim.

But deep inside, my truth is something I can never speak out loud in a conservative Arab Muslim society.

Since puberty, I’ve had submissive fantasies. I always dreamed of belonging to a powerful woman — being her sissy, obeying her, being humiliated and punished by her — but loved by her, too. I wanted mutual love, care, and ownership. That was my dream.

But after years of trying to find a woman who would accept me in Egypt or anywhere in the Arab world, all I got was mockery, disgust, and rejection — especially because I also suffer from sexual dysfunction. I’m still a complete virgin. Every time I opened up to a woman, I was terrified she might expose me. In my society, if someone found out, I could be disowned or even attacked. They would see me as less of a man — or even accuse me of being gay, which in my country, is dangerous.

I tried to talk to women from the West — Europe, the US, or Canada — through dating and femdom apps. But most of them were either looking for money, or blocked me as soon as they knew I was from the Middle East.

And moving to a place like that? For someone like me, with no money, no power, and no connections? That’s just a fantasy.

Which brings me to failure number two.

I’m unemployed.

I worked for over five years in copywriting — a job I truly loved, even though I studied law. I even took courses to improve myself. But I lost my job over two years ago and haven’t been able to get another one since. With the economy in Egypt falling apart, I feel like I either need to learn a whole new skill or trade... or disappear.

But after trying again and again, I’ve run out of energy. I’m lost. I’m broken. I’m sick — not just emotionally, but physically too.

Because of the depression and constant stress, I became addicted to painkillers and antidepressants. Now I have health problems in my gallbladder, stomach, and kidneys. I barely eat. I live in my room, alone, even though I live with my family. They don’t know who I really am. I have no friends. I follow a strict, limited diet, and most food is off-limits for me.

So let me summarize everything with a simple equation — and you can guess the final result:

Still a virgin

Can’t travel

Will never marry or find a woman in my country who accepts a submissive man like me

No woman abroad wants someone like me either

Unemployed

Don’t know what to learn or do next

Sick and mostly stuck in bed

= … ?