Why - The need for Why
Trigger Warning - May contain topic related, ED, Anxiety, Stress, Depression, OCD
Re-started chat therapy for couple week, but may consider to stop due to finance and online only requirement.
The topic of "why" started provoking me, and made me questioned almost everything in entity.
Why of all do I do things that sometimes
- makes sense, yet sometimes doesn't
- social media or internet approves, but reality doesn't
- family, professionals, concerned/recovering others do not approve of, and hope i change for the better
- healthy habit that supposed to be good for oneself, yet i often take it to the extreme till it becomes unhealthy
- and because of above, i start to learn to restrain or let go, but cannot control anymore and lead to complacency and or laziness
Why is there a need or why do i have to
- punish, suffer, torment myself to deserve or earn the right to do something i.e. exercise for food, calories, carbs, or whatever, even to deserve the rest of the day
- of all exercises, why must be jumping jacks in a specific order/sets, what if the day just ended up poorly as heck. no high carbs allowed?
- listen to internet that high protein high fibre high whatever, but not carbs nor fats nor sugars nor etc.
- dont have the option to "not" do something that I do'nt like or just dont want to do for the day
- is life supposed to be experienced. in a pleasurable or enjoyable or experienced manner or painfully earned, suffered
- why do i have to cold shower
- why do i have to poop after eating, even worse, rinse myself after every caloric or pooping session
- why is there a why for anything, even chatting even therapy even money, even buying anything, even sleeping
i dont think i will be able to list everything off my head. but then at least i just get some stuff off for now.
more whys
- weigh myself everyday
- repeat almost "exact" playbook routine everyday
- cannot go for "favorites" but have to stick to reality foods
- listen to "others" whom are helping/advising you instead of listening to yourself
- why the head is just.... tormenting restraining disturbing...
why everything has to be grinded.
living
eating
pooping
exercising
sitting
sleeping
gaming
cooking
thinking
anything
this hurts this hurts
@mikenaiwc
It is a lot that you take on yourself. I don't know you enough to understand. But I can hear it is difficult and suffocating for you. Is there a reason why you think you "have to" all of that? It sounds like maybe you don't trust your judgment. Is that the case? Or you take it on yourself for other reason?
What if you tried to give yourself permission to everyday decide about something simple that won't hurt you whatever you choose? Like choosing if you will go for an extra 15min evening walk or not? or if you will eat a small sweet treat after breakfast or not? or if you will take a cold or warm shower in the evening? Maybe test it. No rules for this - just a question what do I choose?
Eventually, life is about taking control over your actions preferably with accountability.
I think it can be scary. Could there be some fear of punishment for making wrong decisions?
would you share more about your therapy? have you learned something new/helpful? what are you trying now with your therapist?
@pinkCherry1616
would you share more about your therapy? have you learned something new/helpful? what are you trying now with your therapist?
nothing for now. other than im being questioned, why do i want therapy. when i am already in a painful mentality mode that i needed someone to online chat with.
despite chat bombing all the topics and concerns., the therapist only handfully chose 1 or 2 sentences to reply. all the rest are still lost in thin air.
wondering if i should pull the subscription plan out...
I think your condition sounds serious. Not to judge you for that. Not at all. Just to say that it deserves professional help. What you described doesn’t sound to helpful but I can’t tell if it’s objective or if it’s expected at the beginning.
@pinkCherry1616
as much as i do not want to discuss professional help here. that is covered on another side.
i just hope for a space to be able to chat, type, vent out. instead of being pushed aside and just "take your meds", "go seek help" kind of words.
but its just mentally exhausting.
sorry to sound rude. but hope you understand.
No worries. I will try to find it (the other place).
I appreciate the transparency and you kept it within respectful lines.
I don’t want to push you away. I just see my words might not be enough. I would want you to get enough of help to get better. I am open for 1:1 listeners chat too.
@pinkCherry1616
Sorry pink cherry, i do not want to push you away either, nor being ungrateful for your thoughts and concern.
Despite wishing to be better, but me a person unwilling to change. will never be able to leave his chains.
I have a listener whom reached out to me (though i should not name names.)
but i do not mind additional chit-chat. but i will not guarantee anything. because i have multiple "health" conversations going on i don't know if it will end up confliciting or worse... making myself confused or self-loading more work... to self.
@pinkCherry1616
but most importantly, you reached out to me. its something worth for me to be thankful for.
@pinkCherry1616
Apologies, there is alot of reply here.
It is a lot that you take on yourself. I don't know you enough to understand. But I can hear it is difficult and suffocating for you. Is there a reason why you think you "have to" all of that? It sounds like maybe you don't trust your judgment. Is that the case? Or you take it on yourself for other reason?
its like following my pre-set routines. which i know if i follow through, i will be "correct" "safe" "doing things right" "stay in the same/lower weight", these type of "illogical" mentality
I dont know why i want, wish, would treat myself this way. which i certainly know i wont want others to go through the same.
What if you tried to give yourself permission to everyday decide about something simple that won't hurt you whatever you choose? Like choosing if you will go for an extra 15min evening walk or not? or if you will eat a small sweet treat after breakfast or not? or if you will take a cold or warm shower in the evening? Maybe test it. No rules for this - just a question what do I choose?
i noticed, when i "allow" such things, i often go lazy and complacent. which will backfire, i.e. weight gain. Likewise for exercise, as long as i start adding, i will keep adding and it compounds until my body gives way. It becomes till a point of no-negotiations. And when i go havoc/crude, i.e. sugars, i start going crazy.
Hence i mentally made it simple, torment, suffer, torture plan. Take the extreme path and permanetly fixed it.
Eventually, life is about taking control over your actions preferably with accountability.
I think it can be scary. Could there be some fear of punishment for making wrong decisions?
problem is my accountability is too severe that i remember grudges with myself and i make myself "payback" on another day.
yes, basically in young we are taught to be "good" so yes, i always fear of punishment of doing "wrong" things. which perhaps could be mis-understood to decisions. guess i'm ashamed of myself to this age and facing such difficulties.
@mikenaiwc
Don’t be ashamed. I know those are easy words to write „don’t be ashamed”. I know it can feel beyond control where you are. I suppose those words are also for me. So I would know I expressed I don’t want you to be ashamed.
What if you define a small range where you are allowed to be anything you want at specific day? Something safe like I suggested. Any of the ideas sounds like something you could enjoy choosing? Maybe you have one existing routine that feels tiering and is not essential? Maybe you could call it optional? And see what happens for next 3 months? Will you always choose to not do it? Or after a while you will want to choose it voluntarily?
I can’t be sure but I think I would be tired of all the routines and pressure to keep myself on track. I think the laziness would be just not having energy to keep up and not laziness.
@pinkCherry1616
thank you cherry. perhaps your last message could be the most crucial. its basically burnout from my routines. and reaching peak such that the system just gives in.
my only fear of "giving in" is that once i give up, i never come back. not that i dont want to. i dont have the trust that i can manage the temporary relief.
@mikenaiwc I think I unexpectedly for myself can relate a little to
"my only fear of "giving in" is that once i give up, i never come back".
I used to want to have things under control at work. I put lots of energy to be ahead of all the issues that could happen. I tried hard to know everything to not need help. Then my family decided to move and I knew I won't stay in my job. I still did my job well but I stopped overpreparing for the future. Now, I have a new job and I want to keep my new attitude. I want to trust that I can take one thing at the time and it will be enough. That I can ask people to help me. And how it makes me relate? For first few weeks at my job I was afraid that my new attitude is going to ruin the first impression about me there. I was terrified that if I don't work as hard as possible to figure out everything as fast as possible, then I will fail. I feel ok this week. Still, I don't know if it will not return.
I don't claim it is the same as yours or comparable. It just seems somewhat similar worry. I try. I am not being lazy. I try to do a good job. I pay attention. I just not run on fear. For now nothing terrible has happened.
I don't want to overload you. Continue with the support you have. If you at some point you will want to try testing flexibility on in one or more safe zones and think it is worth taking with me as you go, then reach out 😊
Believe in yourself.
@pinkCherry1616
hi cherry, sorry. i don't have words to reply you. but thank you for sharing your personal experiences with me. me reluctantly holding on to control that i cant. i certainly understand.
i am still hoping to be able to have someone to chat to. and thank you for holding on to your words and allowing me to chat with you.
