Why?

Why?....a powerful one word, monosyllabic question that has so much meaning. Many people through time has not even had that question answered for them from different aspects of life. My aspect is wondering:

Why was she so warm one day and cold the next? Why cant i even get an answer in a text? Why throw all of what we had away? Why act like that I am not needed, why dont you want me to stay? Why do you paint me like i was evil; when all i did was help with family and helped to see you beat an illness that tried to steal you? Why am i sitting here day and night losing a battle to hold back tears? Why am I so afraid to disappoint you even though I have too many fears? Why does my heart ache literally like an attack? Why would you cut the “heart strings“ that together were so attached? Why do i vividly hear you call my name, even when I know you dont feel the same? The house, the kids, the dog, the bond; why should I be punished as your life moves on? Why do I sit here and ponder a life without you by my side? Why do I feel like crawling in a hole from the world to hide? Ive cried in a short time to fill the Nile, why? Why, just why, do i feel like my lifes now a lie? Why did i create a video from the heart, to show how strong you were from the start, of your personal journey that tried to tear us apart? Why dont I sleep? Why dont I eat? Why dont i continue on with life i thought we would enjoy together? Why cant I move on with life; its because I still feel that “feather“? Why do I still feel like im a failure who failed her? Why, in everything i do, i see her, feel her? Why do I still cheer her and not jeer her? Why am I so heavily burdened with this cross to bare? Why did i lose a love, a family, a feeling I NEVER had before; so rare? Why do I say, she never lost me; I lost her? Why cant she just give me a straight answer; why are all my thoughts a blur? Why?....is it another guy? Why?....is it that i feel you dont cry? Why did I lose your touch, your scent, your smile? Why would I still come to you and walk a million miles? Why is it that I suffer so great? Why is it easier to pretend its you that I hate? Why? Why do i sit and isolate? Why cant i look at my phones pics? Why?...because our whole lives are portrayed in it? Why did we have to go everywhere? Why cant i do or think of anything...why?, because WE were always there? Why did we do so so so many things with one another? 

To share a secret, I have never been in love like this before. Even with my daughters’ mother, i wasnt in love. (thats a different story) I MEAN THAT. I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE UP UNTIL 5 YEARS AGO. We went through *** and back a couple times and i thought our love shined through. I watched a vid with us hiking and happy the day before you left me. I feel like i was discarded. Matter of fact, i was discarded. Im homeless, I lost all motivation. Example: i was in the gym 6 days a week and i havent been back since. My outside is reflecting my inside. Im a mess. Clean and showered but a mess. My only friend lives so far away and i feel talking to anyone else outside of venting on 7 Cups is useless. The first and only thing anyone ever asks is if i want to leave. How can you destroy something thats already gone inside? Ive been gone since i lost my family. I pet a dog it reminds me of my dog she has. I say hello to children and they remind me of our Brady Bunch gang. I dont want to do anyting because it ALLLLLLL reminds me of what i had. We went to farms, horse stables, zoos, the mountains, multiple entertainment places, Halloween attractions, diners and restaurants.....so many things we did.  We went to the same gyms. I cant move forward yet I know she has. Ive prayed and prayed and prayed yet feel that my emotions were preyed upon. Im not trying to preach at all, but i know God’s time is God’s time. I know and understand that God gives us what we can handle. That we are warriors. However, this warrior...me....im tired. Im warn out. 

I do know myself. Im not trying to preach at all, but i know God’s time is God’s time. the loss of my family. How can i move on from having memories, like being the final person to try and stave off death for my step daughter. I cant jusy forget trying to save her life after hearing her mother (my ex) with the blood curdling scream that is so loud in my head to this day. I feel like now i am just existing. Like i am in one perpetual nightmare that wont end. I wasnt perfect....not by a lonshot...but my love, my intentions, were. I finally felt like i was apart of a complete puzzle. Again, i know myself. I love myself. I honestly really do. I can live with myself. What i am saying is, i felt whole, but i also felt all of us that was starting to come together made the whole puzzle. Our little tribe was almost complete and it was justbthrown to the side. For me, I AM GOOD ENOUGH, but for her, i dont think i was. I put myself to the side to boost my hoisehold and support them. THat made me happy. We could have worked through it. Albeit, now i cry myself to sleep and i cry when i wake because i dream of her, i dream of the kids, i dream of what: shoulda, coulda, woulda been. I have NEVER felt pain like this and never want to again. I have never LOVED like that and never will again. I will admit i dont care anymore. Just a couple of jobs and exist. I have, for the rest of my life, a huge void in my heart that will NEVER fill. She is gone forever and I will never be the same. 

And I probably actually will never know.....why.

If you have read this....I thank you. And Happy Mothers Day to all the moms out there, including my ex. 😞😞😒😒😒