Why am I like this?

I hate crying because it's a sign of apparent weakness. That's what my family says, they say it's weakness and that I should never cry, I used to get chastised because when I get angry I cry. Now, most days I cry myself to sleep or cry in the shower so no one sees me. I hate myself.

I'm very disrespectful to people. I lie and cheat and I lash out at my family members, I need to understand why I'm doing this?

I don't know why I'm angry all the time or why I want to stay indoors all the time, I don't know why I avoid the company of others.

Sometimes I just don't want to interact with people and I talk back to my family. I lash out and say mean things instead of working my own feelings out and embarrassing myself in front of people. I realised that I feel terrible because other people see my disrespectfulness and it's embarrassing. It's not coming from a place of wanting to better myself but is more of a self image, which is very narcissistic. And I hate that.

I hate that I feel this way, I hate that I'm selfish, impatient and entitled. I have a no-care attitude which I think i have because of the fact that I don't want people to see that it's affecting me because that's a weakness.

I'm also bad at apologising and I use people for my own selfish reasons, I'm not a good person. No matter how hard I try I'm stuck in this place forever. I hate myself so much, I get angry easily. I'm spoiled and I think that I'm the smartest person in the room when I'm not, I'm pretending to be smart cause I know deep down I'm not. I hate myself so much.