always bitter-angry-crying

Don’t know where to start because I just want to cry my eyes out and everything seems too much. I feel like I’ve been in this black hole for 3,5 years now. I tried therapy two years ago but it left me even more miserable. I’m constantly anxious, worried, on edge, constantly angry. And this anger turns into tears. And the next day I’m completely numb. It’s hard to study, I’m so tired. It’s so tiring being a straight A student through school, and now being one in university. People never notice anything. And I can’t just stop studying.

Im tired of waking up every day, cooking food, showering. Even the bare minimum is absolutely exhausting. I see some of my friends make “new year resolutions”- and I become even more bitter. Why can’t I do the same? Why am I always so tired? So angry? Why don’t I want anything in this life? I see no point in anything. I see no point in goals. I’m just studying, getting my A+, getting my praise as the smartest student. But I’m dying inside, like a black hole in my chest is eating me alive.

I feel like my negativity has also pushed everyone away. I’m completely alone. And people just don’t get how and what I feel. I feel like I can’t trust anyone anymore. It’s like they’re using me as their therapist. I always get “I always feel so much better after talking to you. Woah it’s like you always know how to deal with it.” I just feel like everyone hates me. And honestly- I hate myself. I’d never want to be my own friend, so I don’t blame others for not wanting to be mine.

im just so tired. I’m even scared to search for a therapist. The dread of speaking it with my own mouth makes me cry. And I can’t cry in front of people. I just want to pause this life so badly