fall

i have no one. NO ONE. that i feel comfortable enough to talk about these awful feelings. i was thought, 'oh it's fine, it'll go away, these feelings are just a phase'. but years. years later i realize it's never fine since the very beginning. it's not just a phase like what my brain said try to convince me. nothing is fine.

i have zero self esteem, zero confidence, zero courageous, zero motivation. all i have is a thousand hatred towards myself. i feel sooo little yet soo big. i want attention but i want to be invisible at the same time. it's never black or white, it's always gray. never forward or backward, it's falling down.