feeling horrible

i feel beyond exhausted and burned out. i just can't seem to function at all. I know I'll be okay and come out of this though. But I keep avoiding everything, and losing myself in distractions. But distractions have limits as well and once they don't work the way they used to I just feel bad. I keep worrying about things and I can't take any action to do anything about it. I've had so much anxiety thinking and ruminating about these things endlessly but I've reached this point where I cannot even care anymore, it feels like I need to force myself to care but I still can't.

Every day just passes by and I just don't achieve anything. I do nothing and it's really disappointing, hurtful, and saddening, to see how much time can go by and you just do nothing. No matter what plans or how many plans you make for yourself, they seem to never happen. I've lost the ability to take care of myself emotionally, physically, and mentally, and I just don't know why. And it's all feeling like too much. I know I need to be patient but I just want to feel and do better already. Every choice I make I end up questioning and going over and over and over in my head. I want to wake up and not feel fear or a rush of stress, I just want to wake up just one day and actually feel like it's a good day. But I don't even remember the last time that happened. It's not that I never have good days, but the things that are basic necessities, I always do them so poorly and I feel embarrassed and ashamed about it. And it seems so easy for everyone around me, at least in my tiny corner of the world. And everything feels like the same thing, like when I'm taking a break, I don't feel like I'm relaxing, I'm just on autopilot all of the time. Like everything is work, even putting on a movie or music. I just feel the same all of the time. It's like there's something inside of me that prevents me from being completely present. My emotions have gained complete control of me and yet I can't really feel much. I'm either super afraid or just numb. There are moments where I feel something very deeply, like a film that speaks to my soul can make me cry. But the emotions feel so buried. And when they do get some release, all of them come out at once, and I end up feeling like I'm losing my mind cause when my emotions come out, it's always in the most extreme, exhausting, and draining way.

When I tell someone I deal with anxious thoughts they seem surprised because of how chill I always appear. I think I've mastered the art of masking, cause it's when I'm under enormous stress that I'm perceived as the most calm. It just sucks because I know what to do to alleviate my stress and worries but since I'm so overwhelmed, I just want to shut everything out cause I can't face it. Or if I've tried to in the past, and failed, or stopped midway, people would say things that hurt me and made me feel really nasty about myself. I guess I just couldn't believe how I was being perceived. Even when I do something that should have been a cause for concern, that could be a scream for help, it's always taken the wrong way, and I'm antagonized. And my lack of actions really seeps through in everything in my life, in my performance. I can feel its bad effects on my performance as a person, not even just at school or in social settings, but just literally everywhere. Which is why I don't even know where to start to reframe my mindset, cause no matter where I go, alone or not, I have this awful feeling of overwhelm and fear. But I am still trying my best every day, no matter how many mistakes I end up making.