i feel stuck in being a disappointment

trigger warning: self-harm thoughts

i am afraid that i will just stay like this forever. i keep disappointing myself and my family by failing. i've been going back and dropping out of school these past two years. every time i feel like i could handle things better, the anxiety and trauma just stay with me and i collapse. there's this significant part of my life two years ago that triggered everything. it was when someone threatened my life, and since then i’ve become a living fear. i feel like every time i walk outside, there's someone ready to stab me. i hate that i am still affected by that even now. sometimes i wonder if that never happened, would i have become better? or if i could have been in a better headspace. because ever since then, i have been living in fear more than i already was even before that happened. it's ironic how i fear being killed but at the same time wish the same for myself. i've been so careless with my life.