ihate Mondays

I hate Mondays.. seems like everyone is off to work, busy and outside living while I’m here, with no job, no car, stuck in a family who shames me for not being somewhere I always dreamed id be in life. How do you think it makes me feel? To actually be living it. Kind of started to hate them for it. Kind of makes me want to not be here anymore being surrounded by people who have made my actions during one of the worst moments of my life and villainized me because I fell out of line, fell out of being perfect, called them out for once because honestly they deserved it, ive been so alone and my flaws are all they notice. Keeping a job has been so hard for me and it seems like every few weeks or months I’m back on my *** again back at square one .. searching again. For another opportunity for another way out.. I hate looking towards the outside for life.. I hate that without a job.. without structure, a reason to get up.. I can barely get up. Barely find something that can take my mind off of having nothing..  long enough to wait for something. I hate waiting for something.. Monday morning I check my emails.. I regret it. Nothing but marketing emails, everyone’s too busy with their day to be thinking about me. I do my listings, reselling old items to make money.. but I’m not fulfilled.. it’s just to make money, just to pass the time I can’t afford the things I really want to sell. Is it bad I feel like having a job makes me excited for the day? New experiences, learning things you never knew about yourself before.. maybe even meeting someone special. But it’s been hard for me to keep a job.. always had this difficulty being myself around others, opening up.. I always seem to make people uncomfortable, like they can smell it on me. I’m sorry I never learned how to feel safe with people, ive been rejected so much I’m sorry I move so funny. I promise I’m good, I just need to learn to trust, to feel safe a place to be accepted for just being me. But I’m not a kid anymore and it seems like no one will wait for you to get better, you just have to already be. Seems like I walked into the world so unprepared and sheltered, lacking social skills i never realized how important it was to have. I hate to blame my family but the foundation they set in me was so weak, insecure and shakey, self doubt.. it’s like I now see the seeds planted in me had thorns.. and now it seems like it’s up me to build a stronger one that no one can knock down or make me feel wrong or like I don’t deserve. I had to learn that the hard way, without their help. Tons of jobs later.. I still feel stuck on this island. Waiting for a 🛟. There’s no one near in the day to day. No one who knows… I’m so so alone. No car , no job. What am I even here for? I guess it’s not just Mondays i have this feeling but almost everyday really.