insurmountable amount of overwhelm and trauma anniversary
hey everyone, to whoever is reading this, I certainly hope your days have been better than mine.
as an American (first generation American woman), the recent election has had me feeling like I'm going to throw up every day when I wake up. I'm sick of it. the truth is I don't want to fight. I don't want to resist and shout and defend myself. why do people always need to attack me when I've done absolutely NOTHING to them. I'm so tired of feeling the same way as my little girl-self once did, always on fight or flight mode, always the target for bullies. why am I always the one who is picked on, discarded, forgotten, treated as an option, ridiculed, shamed, degraded, disrespected, objectified, treated as an emergency life-saving kit then forgotten. every day I feel like I am FIGHTING for my life. and I'm not in any crazy situations either, but regardless of the actions I'm taking, whether big or small, I feel exhausted, depleted, done before I even start. all I want is peace. I don't want to force people to see me as a human being. if they don't want to, they can screw themselves, I am sick of giving my energy just to make myself justified in a room where I am not even wanted. I have a million problems that I need fixed by 5 pm today, but the reality is they are going to take a long time and a lot of strength to overcome. and now with this oppressive and increasingly dangerous government in America, I now have the ADDITIONAL worry I did NOT need as I was finally becoming the healthiest version of myself (emotionally, mentally, physically) to form some kind of evacuation plan for me AND my whole family in the emergency event that we are arrested or even forced into slavery simply for EXISTING. I literally have a million worries and I cannot get started on anything because I'm so *** overwhelmed. I thought one day life would be fair but I guess it just won't ever be. my little girl self held on to the hope that things get better, but they don't. you can only learn how to make yourself happy in a deeply cruel and unfair world. at least she learned about the horrors that life can bring early on, so I'm not surprised about any of this.
to top it all off, I have a very special anniversary coming up in just a couple weeks. my first ever breakup anniversary. it can't really be called a breakup however as we never dated, but, we were friends with complicated feelings that ultimately destroyed the friendship we once had. a year after the fallout, I still hold a lot of pain and a lot of feelings that I thought would be gone by now. I never gave him permission to hold this much space in my heart, yet here he is. or here is the love I hold for him, relentlessly alive despite all of my effort to let that love go. but I recently learned that grief is simply love for what is now absent. it's like when you have that one best friend in school and you know nobody else, so the one day that they're absent their presence is even stronger because of the absence of it.
Anyway, he wants absolutely nothing to do with me anymore, and while I'm fully aware that if they were meant to be in my life, they would be, and that I deserve more than someone who doesn't appreciate my invitation to be friends again, it doesn't make the love I have go away. I think his absence will just make me miss him for the rest of my life.
@peaceandblessings
Hey, I just want to start by saying I hear you. Every single word. The exhaustion, the frustration, the overwhelming weight of simply existing in a world that seems determined to make it harder for you it’s real, and it’s valid. You’re carrying so much right now, and I wish I could take even a fraction of that weight off your shoulders.
It’s okay to be tired. It’s okay to not want to fight every single day just to be seen and respected as a human being. No one should have to live in survival mode, feeling like they have to prove their worth in rooms that refuse to acknowledge them. It’s beyond unfair, and I won’t sit here and give you some toxic positivity about how things will magically get better overnight because you already know life doesn’t work that way. But what I *will* say is this: You are not alone in this. Even on the days when it feels like the world is suffocating you, you are not alone. There are people out here people like me who see your pain, who believe in your strength, and who are holding space for you even when it feels like no one else is.
And that grief you carry? It makes sense. Love doesn’t just disappear because we want it to. It lingers, it transforms, it teaches us lessons we never asked for. And while it hurts like ***, it also speaks to the depth of your heart the way you love so deeply, so fully, even when that love isn’t returned the way you deserve. That doesn’t make you weak. It makes you *human*. It makes you someone who is capable of feeling things in a way that so many people aren’t brave enough to. And that’s something to hold onto, even in the pain.
I won’t tell you to move on before you're ready. I won’t tell you to "just let go" as if it's that simple. What I *will* tell you is that, even if right now it feels like this love will stay with you forever, time has a way of softening even the sharpest edges of heartbreak. One day, the ache won’t be as heavy. One day, his absence won’t feel as loud. And in the meantime, all you have to do is *be*. Just get through today. And then tomorrow. And then the next day. You don’t have to have all the answers. You just have to keep going.
And I believe in you. More than you know.
