my heart is aching

Everyday, every time i stop doing anything or I stop talking to my friends, I fall back in those feelings. My heart aches uncontrollably, making my breathing lighter. It hurts everyday. It's hard to get up everyday. I'm so tired of myself for talking it out every time. I'm so tired of the psychiatry medications, sessions, therapies, counsellors. It hurts. I want my heart to feel something else than this pain. Its haunting me. Self sabotaging is my curse. I want to not be tired. I want to feel energetic. I want to stop medications. I want to feel like everybody else. I want to not think. Everything hurts. Living in my brain and body hurts. Neurodivergency, sensory overstimulations really adds on it. I want to be everything but I'm doing nothing. I want to stop blaming myself for everything.