no matter what i do, it’s always the same
i'm doomed to be unhappy. no matter how hard i try, no matter how happy i am, i always end up in the same dark place. i want to be happy, yet it seems to be impossible for me to be in good spirits for more than 2 months. it's useless, it's all useless. even if i managed to get through this, it's not like there's a point to it, i’ll just fall into the same headspace again. maybe they don't actually care about me. maybe nobody cares about who i am and if i'm a part of their lives or not. one thing's for certain: trying always seems to be in vain at the end of the day. but at the same time, i have everything anybody my age could want. money, friends, a home, a good enough family. i'm in one of the best high schools in my country. i'm well loved by friends ans family alike. i also have a hole in my heart, *** in all these great things happening in my life, never to be remembered again when i'm in a dark spot. i know i have no reason to be unhappy, as much as i tried to read into my, actually a bit messed up, past, i couldn't find anything that could cause me such great suffering. but i do know that this hole doesn't seem to be "fixable" it seems as though no matter what i do, no matter how many amazing things happen to me, that happiness i'm so desperate to have slips through my fingers like sand. that i could be at the top of the world and still feel miserable.
The hole is repairable. It will never be completely gone but you can get to a point where it is much more manageable (think one day for a few hours every few months).
But getting there is a journey where you have to call on lots of outside resources (friends, family and doctors) and lots of internal coping mechanisms. How are those looking for you right now? @raspberryFig459
Well I have friends from my old school, but I’ve recently started high school and I’ve been focusing on making friends there. My old friends are fine and I’m still talking to them, but I just can’t bring myself to tell them anything about my mental state. I never talk to them about this kind of things even though they do. And about my new friends..I have some friends in my class and we get along really well, but we’re not that close since we’ve known each other for 2 months. And I’m part of another friend group and I feel a bit left out whenever I’m with them, although I know that’s not their intention.
I’m not close to my family, nor have I ever been. I can’t talk to them about this kind of thing. My parents love me, but they’re busy with work and when they’re not working they’re fighting and calling each other names. The only person I can talk to in my family is my brother, but again we’ve never talked about this kind of thing and he’s studying abroad so..
I’ve been to both a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I can’t bring myself to actually share my thoughts with them. I used to tell them that I’m feeling better and I’m stressed with school and that’s that. And that’s true, I’m better than I was before but that’s not enough. Anyways, I don’t see them anymore because all I did was tell them that I’m good
This kind of stuff comes in waves that aren't your fault. Your brain is producing chemicals right now that are hard to manage. Is there a way to figure out how to call the therapists back? They regularly have people return to get back on a better track.
But we can also help to figure out stuff from here too. How was your day today?@raspberryFig459
it’s 11 am for me rn and so far it’s going really well actually!
I might try and get back in touch with my therapist, but whenever I go see her I just can’t tell her what’s in my mind. Even if I want to, the words just won’t come out
Glad to hear that things are going a bit better.
It can be really hard to talk. Have you thought about writing out instead? Then you would have notes or you could read it to her. @raspberryFig459
I’ve been writing my thoughts in my notrs all for a year now I think?? It’d still be very hard for me though. Thanks for the advice though! I’ll try it out
Yes, I can imagine that it will still be tough. I know at one point I was writing something for my therapist to read before we met each time. It really did help me to get it out and organize it before having to talk about it. I was able to be much more open. Let us know how it goes. @raspberryFig459
@raspberryFig459
Hiii theeree. I hear ya, and your feelings are valid. It sounds overwhelming to experience such despair and hopelessness despite having many positive aspects in your liffe. It's really difficult to be feeling like you have everything anything could want, yet still, thre's an inexplicable void inside.
You're not alone feeling this way, even though it might seem like it right now. Sometimes, our internal battles don't have obvious external triggers, and the darkness can creep in unexpectedly. Your pain is real, regardless of the external circumstances. Sometimes, mental and emotional struggles can't be neatly solved by things we have or people around us. It's tough when those moments of happiness seem feeling, overshadowed by the persistent feelings of sadness.
Even though it might feel nobody understands, reaching out and sharing is a courageous step. You have the strenght to express what you're going through, and that shows incredible resilience.
It's okay not to have the answers right now, your worth is not defined by your current state of mind, and it's possible to find support and understanding. You don't have to face this all alone, you got us here through this 💜
@raspberryFig459 I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, but trust me when I say you are not alone. I too suffer from the same feelings you describe, I'm 42 and feel like I've got everything anyone could as for in life, yet I still feel undeniable despair and depression on an almost daily basis. For me it's like a neverending cycle of just struggling to get through the week until finally the weekend is here! But then before I know it, it's Monday morning again and here I am again feeling a sense of dread and despair over the week to come.
I'm glad you've found this community because I feel like it is really helping me. Just coming on here, realizing that I'm not alone and other people have these feelings too, it helps me to get through the days. I hope you find some relief and peace through your interactions on this site as well. Sending you warm loving thoughts. ❤️
tysm for responding! i hope you’ll find happiness soon
