running away

i feel sick all the time. like there is something looming in the surface always. something dark that will consume me if i don’t run fast enough. if i don’t distract myself enough.

i feel lost. i distract myself from things i know would consume me. so i’m moving and out of the house. laughing and trying my hardest to not think hard enough. because if i get inside of my head idk if ill be able to get out..

i’m not able to leave the bed. i barely eat-just enough to survive the day. but i forced myself to get up. i force myself because i know staying would consume my entire being. i’m too afraid of staying alone with my thoughts long enough these days. it feels like everything is on the surface. just waiting to jump on me.

so i move. i go out. i enjoy my friends and family. dreading the moment im home alone. dreading late nights where there’s nothing left but my thoughts. so i endlessly scroll until i can barely open my eyes. so i can finally force myself to sleep. and waking up? that’s the worst part of my day. then the cycle repeats.

i know that this is unhealthy. i know that i should face my problems and feelings work through them. the thing is-that has never helped me before. it only made me miserable. i know that it’s supposed to feel miserable at first but god i tried for so long and nothing changed. i’d like to think im processing better. that im better than i was a few months ago. but i dont know if thats true anymore.

i’d also like to think that what im doing right now isnt me running away or distracting myself enough. because when im out i feel peaceful. i feel like everything is behind me and i can breathe again. so id like to think it isn’t really running. but i also think thats a lie. because is it really peace if i know the moment i stop running it’ll consume me? that i’ll live miserably and fall so deep i won’t be able to get out?