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pluckyCoconut4376
2 3,659 M Seeking Light 2
PathStep 6 Compassion hearts313 Forum posts155 Forum upvotes229 Current upvotes229 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2026 Member sinceMay 11, 2025
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good things
Depression Support / by pluckyCoconut4376
Last post
 July 28th
...See more why do we expect good things to happen in our life? why do we think that we’re entitled to anything good? why do we think we deserve something good? does it make us hypocrites? or just human? i hate the feeling after something is taken away from me. not because it could make me sad or mad since it was so close. but because of the hope i felt. the feeling that i elicited to myself. i’m the one that got excited and prepared myself and fantasized about it so when it doesn’t happen im only mad at myself for exciting myself. for thinking that im deserving of good things. for thinking that it wont end this way. for hoping. i think it makes me a hypocrite. i know thats self depreciation. i’m self aware that i wont think that away about anyone but myself. but i cant stop my mind. and i never could.
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running away
Depression Support / by pluckyCoconut4376
Last post
 July 27th
...See more i feel sick all the time. like there is something looming in the surface always. something dark that will consume me if i don’t run fast enough. if i don’t distract myself enough. i feel lost. i distract myself from things i know would consume me. so i’m moving and out of the house. laughing and trying my hardest to not think hard enough. because if i get inside of my head idk if ill be able to get out.. i’m not able to leave the bed. i barely eat-just enough to survive the day. but i forced myself to get up. i force myself because i know staying would consume my entire being. i’m too afraid of staying alone with my thoughts long enough these days. it feels like everything is on the surface. just waiting to jump on me. so i move. i go out. i enjoy my friends and family. dreading the moment im home alone. dreading late nights where there’s nothing left but my thoughts. so i endlessly scroll until i can barely open my eyes. so i can finally force myself to sleep. and waking up? that’s the worst part of my day. then the cycle repeats. i know that this is unhealthy. i know that i should face my problems and feelings work through them. the thing is-that has never helped me before. it only made me miserable. i know that it’s supposed to feel miserable at first but god i tried for so long and nothing changed. i’d like to think im processing better. that im better than i was a few months ago. but i dont know if thats true anymore. i’d also like to think that what im doing right now isnt me running away or distracting myself enough. because when im out i feel peaceful. i feel like everything is behind me and i can breathe again. so id like to think it isn’t really running. but i also think thats a lie. because is it really peace if i know the moment i stop running it’ll consume me? that i’ll live miserably and fall so deep i won’t be able to get out?
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i’m really tired
Depression Support / by pluckyCoconut4376
Last post
 July 4th
...See more hey. i think it’s been a while since ive posted. i don’t remember. i’m really tired. it feels like a thousands of weight are on my chest and i can’t seem to get them off. i’m not able to get out of bed. i wish i could blame something but at the end of the day…there’s nothing to blame but myself and my mind. my own cruel mind filled with thoughts so dark. i’m tired of it all. nothing is worth it anymore. nothing is enough to fix me.
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lost messages.
Depression Support / by pluckyCoconut4376
Last post
 June 14th
...See more hey this is a letter to someone that i won’t end up sending. i didn’t want it to be lost in my notes. i wanted it to exist somewhere. feel free to reply with any lost message of ur own. i spent a long time alone battling all my thoughts. some days id be angry and bitter. others id be forgiving and understanding. i spent a while not acknowledging my own hurt caused by you. i didn’t think i deserved to feel it. i felt too guilty. too regretful. of all the hurt i’ve caused you. until one day….i starting thinking about it. i decided that there’s no way of moving forward if im ignoring my feelings. that just because i felt so remorseful over what i did…how it is so hard for me to forgive myself…it didn’t take away from my own hurt. thinking about it too hard hurt me. it pained me so much. i didn’t realize how much it affected me at first but it made me view everything differently. it was like everything was tainted. all the memories i had with u were ruined. it felt like it was all a lie. like if it was easy for u to pretend and lie to me for months-saying u loved me and cared for me and missed me while having so much resentment built up-who says the whole friendship wasn’t a lie? that u ever cared for me? that maybe u only stayed out of pity. that maybe u only saw me as his extension. i didn’t understand how u could care for me and willingly choose to lose me instead of talking to me. i didn’t understand how at the end, i had to be the one to come to u so you’d tell me. i believed our friendship was built on honesty-one small lie crumbled everything in my eyes. it felt like it was all a lie. i don’t think that way anymore. i reread our texts all the time. texts from that night and even before that. at first it hurt. so much. i couldn’t cherish all the memories i read. they were all ruined for me. until one day. i’m not sure what changed-maybe it was just time. but i reached a state of understanding you that i didn’t have before. i understood it before on some levels. but right now…i understand u fully. i got u on another level. i was able to acknowledge the hurt i felt, the hurt u felt, and accept that we both didn’t show up for eachother the way we needed. i was able to understand why u didn’t come to me-it didn’t make it right but i truly got it. i’m sorry for what ive done. i don’t think there’s much i can do-i can’t change the past. i can’t change what id done then. i can’t change how my morals were months ago. i can’t erase the hurt ive caused you. i did change. long before u told me. once i realized how messed up i was-i changed. once u told me i reassessed myself and acknowledged that. u may not believe that-i don’t blame u. even if u do, it doesn’t take away from the fact that i had hurt u then and im sorry that nothing i can do could make it better. im sorry that i had drained you. i was trying to cling to you when i felt u slipping away. i was trying not to take it personal everytime i’d get ignored or get one reply saying u loved me. but it was personal. i didn’t expect of u to tell me how depressed u were or how life was crushing u when i asked u how u were doing or if u were doing okay. id be worried sometimes. id want u to know i was here sometimes. id want to reconnect with u sometimes. it was never my intention to pressure u or suffocate you. i had just missed my friend. i was so afraid of losing you that i didn’t realize how suffocating that must’ve felt. you were never wrong for needing space or room or for pulling away. u only needed to breathe and i only made that harder for u. i think a lot was broken between us. i never really knew if i should reach out or not. will it do more harm than good? i’m not sure. i hope you’re doing okay. even if im not there to witness it. i love you and i always will.
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reasons
Depression Support / by pluckyCoconut4376
Last post
 May 30th
...See more i wish that i was needed. i wish that someone would need me in their life. i know people care for me. i know people love me. i just wish that someone would need me so that id have that as a reason. reason to stay. i won’t hurt myself. i never would. it’s just harder to breathe. i wish i had reasons to convince me that it’s worth it.
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good person?
Depression Support / by pluckyCoconut4376
Last post
 May 22nd
...See more hey. sorry i’ve been posting more on here but i need a place to vent. i just found out yesterday that a friend of my friend and i implied to my cousin that my cousin and i just go and gossip about her? it messed me up. so much. because who do u think i am? when have i ever done that? never. my cousin and i would never do that to our friends. i would never ever do that. how does she see me? if she sees me like that do all our friends think the same? what the ***? it messed me up so much because i try so hard to drown out my thought of being a bad person. so hard and this just gave me a reason to believe them. compile that with another friend i held so close to my heart i had a falling out with because of something i did. it all just seems so much. and i can’t hold onto that anymore. i feel like a horrible person. and i know i know that i didn’t do anything with her. i know that what she’s saying is wrong and untrue but im just so torn about this. this is a friend of mine i’ve had for years. how cha she think that way? did i do something? i know i didn’t but maybe i did? i feel like im the worst person alive and my thoughts are so dark and im too tired to drown them out
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what is forgiveness to you?
Depression Support / by pluckyCoconut4376
Last post
 May 20th
...See more hello everyone. i hope you’re doing well. today i wanted to talk about what forgiveness is to me. i’m also interested to hear what forgiveness is to you. i think a lot of people believe forgiveness is when you stop hurting. when you move on from the hurt this person caused. when there’s no more pain. i don’t believe that’s what forgiveness is. forgiveness to me is when im able to detach this person from the hurt i feel. for me to stop holding this person accountable for the hurt they’ve caused me. i’ve been hurt by a lot of people-while sometimes i still think about the pain they’ve caused me…i don’t hold it against them. it’s like i don’t associate this person with my hurt anymore. i know it was caused by them but it’s like i let go of that part and all that’s left here is pain. pain i need to repair on my own because to be able to forgive someone you have to be willing. you have to understand that yes they need to earn that forgiveness but also that you need to work on it yourself too. for me, not forgiving someone means i’m tied to this person and the pain that they caused. but when im able to forgive them, it’s like they separate. sometimes you don’t view the person the same way anymore-and that’s okay. sometimes you’re willing to rebuild the relationship. but the pain? the pain still remains. but i dont relate it to the person anymore. i dont believe that forgiveness and forgetting are the same. i think theyre completely different. because all the pain ive felt has shaped me in the person i am today so i can never really forget it. the pain i still feel. it will all ultimately help me grow slowly. how do i reach this state? i’m not sure. on some levels i think it’s time? it just sort of happens i guess. one day i can’t stand the person. i look at them and i feel so much pain and hurt and anger. then another….i don’t feel that anymore. slowly but surely…i detach the pain from the person. it may take a long time. a long long time. but at some point…it stops. and that feeling feels wonderful. don’t get me wrong i’m still learning. i’m still growing. i’m still learning how to forgive some people. i just wanted to share this thought i had today. what’s your take on forgiveness?
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