sad, lonely rant

(I posted this on my profile, but I just decided to put it here too)

(TW?)

hey all

sorry I disappeared for a bit. I don't know why i'm on here, it's not helping, and maybe it never will, but I just need somewhere to empty everything. if you want to reply, you can, but if you want to just read it or even simply scroll past, I won't be hurt.

i've been so messed up lately. I keep crying myself to sleep because I miss my friend so much it hurts. all it feels like I do is empty my tears and write depressed, lonely song lyrics. 

other than that, I play my violin. 

a lot.

I used to practice maybe a half hour a day, maximum, but now I practice like an hour minimum. I feel like maybe I need something to hold onto, and this is it, but then why does it feel like i'm just trying to fill time so I don't have to think about her? 

it's hurts so much. 

last time, I was angry.

angry is good.

angry can be safe.

but now,

this time,

I'm just sad. 

All

The

Time.

and nothing helps.

playing any of my instruments doesn't really help.

talking about it doesn't help.

drawing doesn't help.

writing songs about how much I miss her doesn't help.

the only thing that would help is if she came back.

but that will never happen.

because I *** everything up.

because I don't deserve to be cared about.

"sad girl on a bench, looking for silver lining."

"there's no denying, I'm on an island, wishing someone was with me"

those are lyrics from a lauren Spencer Smith song, and they resonate so much with me.

i'm that sad girl on the bench, looking for a silver lining.

sitting on my island, wishing someone was there with me.

everything seems to remind me of her now. 

drawing,

sitting in the counselors office,

reading through old emails,

even just sitting and breathing,

I miss her sitting and breathing with me.

"you said you'd be my best friend, You'd love me 'til the world ends... but you won't be my bridesmaid anymore."

"Who is gonna fix my hair and wipe the tears away?

Who's gonna hold my hand and tell me it's okay?"

more lyrics from Lauren Spencer Smith. 

no one will hold my hand anymore.

she was the only one who would.

i'm so lonely.

i've *** everything up

and now i'm alone.

(sorry for this entry. I just had to empty this *** out.)

love to all you guys

- angel <3