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angelheart2011
1 7,794 M Moving Along 7
Status: Tired and depressed, hbu?
PathStep 58 Compassion hearts890 Forum posts263 Forum upvotes431 Current upvotes431 Age GroupTeen Last activeJune, 2026 Member sinceDecember 14, 2024
Bio

Hey guys! I'm angelheart2011, but you can call me Angel!


Favorite Color: Dark bottle green. 

Age: 13-15 (haha you thought you were getting my age, didn't you? sorry creepers.)

Pronouns: They/Them.

Sexuality: Asexual-aromantic. (Sorry ladies) 🧡💛🤍🩵💙

Struggling With: (possible) Depression, diagnosed Anxiety and diagnosed ADHD.

I might not be a listener or anything, but if you need to talk I'm here for you. Hang in there. 💖



"It's okay not to be okay."

- Michel Clifford.



Recent forum posts
angelheart2011 profile picture
Miserable.
Depression Support / by angelheart2011
Last post
 June 4th
...See more (Trigger Warning) Hey all so I have NOT been doing well at all. *insert self-deprecating laugh here*. I haven't been on in months so I figured I'd try it again, better than listening to depressing music and "choosing to wallow in bad feelings" so I thought I'd try. God, where to start?? I guess I'll make a list of everything, just to sort it out for myself hah. 1. I'm almost certain I have depression, and I have a breakdown (at least) once a week. This week it was on Wednesday, which is bad because I still have the rest of the week to make it even though I just want to lay on the floor and cry while listening to Billie Eilish. (Right now happier than ever is my favorite album - yes, I know that is a sad album. I've got a sad life, what can I say?) 2. I literally almost never sleep more than seven hours (and that's on a GOOD night). I just don't want to sleep. Sleep is when the nightmares come, and even though I don't remember the details of most of them, I know they're horrible from the way I feel when I'm rudely jolted awake from them at the late hour of 5:30 in the morning. So I'm just tired all the time. 3. My grades are on a slow slip, and I feel kind of awful about all of them. I've got about an 86% in math. This is the worst grade I've had in a class in my school career, and I feel so stupid all the time. I try to bring it back up, but then I guess I misunderstand the concepts and I get worse on the retakes. (e.g., I got a 83% on the actual test, then I got a 53% on the retake - an actual fail.) I also have a ton of missing work because I either zone out in class and don't feel like doing it, or I was sick (I get sick SO MUCH) so I got behind. My to-do list has approximately 30 items on it, and it's overwhelming. Speaking of which... 4. I've got a severe fear of not succeeding / not living up to other peoples standards. Its an almost crippling anxiety and it makes tests, quizzes, and graded assignments that much worse. 5.  I've been having issues with my friends - both arguments and feeling like I'm being fake with them. Let me clarify - I love my friends. I do. they're awesome people, and I like hanging out with them. But sometimes some of them can be very frustrating. Also, I often feel like I'm being fake with them or concealing parts of myself, because they barely even know this part of me exists. 6. Remember me mentioning how I'm always sick? Right now I'm pretty sure I have an eye infection. Yeah, I've got a terrible habit of rubbing my eyes, and this is probably the third or fourth time I've gotten an eye infection. At this rate, I'm not going to tell my parents because they'd be SO P!SSED at me, also I'm pretty sure we don't have the money or time for antibiotics or a doctors visit. The good news is, its not gooping up TOO much, and my eye itself looks pretty normal (its not pink anyway) so hopefully I can abide by googles 'It will probably heal up in 1 - 2 weeks'. Sigh. 7. I literally have no one to talk to about any of this ***. I don't have a best friend, any of my other friends would probably be enormously uncomfortable about me talking to them about this, I don't trust the school counselor, I don't trust my family, and ain't no way we can afford therapy for me. It just bottles up inside me and then I have a breakdown from it. (see - breakdown (at least) once a week) 8. My body insecurities got slightly better, but now I think they're worse. I don't know, I hate seeing myself in the mirror because all I can think is 'Its no wonder such an ugly girl has no one to confide in.' That sounds miserable, I'm sorry, I'm fine most of the time, it's just when they start really going, it's horrible. 9. I hate being at home because of my family. My family's okay most of the time,  don't get me wrong. But often it feel like my mom is ever only mad at me about something, my youngest sister hates me, my second youngest sister (I have two) is trying to take all my friends because we're finally in the same school again, and my dad always sides with my mom. It just kinda makes me want to hide in my room and listen to music on my CD player forever. (I don't have a phone - my mom won't let me.) 10. My social anxiety has gotten SO MUCH WORSE this year. Yeah, I used to be awkward, but now talking to people is terrifying. I hate walking into or out of classrooms because it feels like everyone turns and looks at me when I do. I get overstimulated easily, but this year it's caused me to completely shut down more than once. (e.g., not talking, hunching up in a corner, with my loops (my actual favorite things next to my music, they're noise protection) in, trying not to cry because everyone's running around yelling and the teachers are blaring music. (gym class, if you didn't guess.)) It's horrible, and I constantly feel like no one likes me because of it. My confidence has also gotten terrible - I was barely self confident before, but now I hunch over (I'm tall, by the way) and hide behind my hair in the halls and in class because I'm afraid of making eye contact. God, I'm such a loser, haha. 11. I think I might like someone, but he barely knows I exist except for that one time he hit with a gym door on accident. Okay, so this one is kinda stupid, but it's really given me a hit on my self confidence. I used to identify as asexual - aromantic (aroace) but now I have no clue. Whenever I see him I either start smiling a little (dude what is wrong with me???) or if we (I think) lock eyes, I probably turn bright red and look down. Idk if this is like an actual crush, or like a infatuation (because I sometimes have those, like platonic ones). But also, he is a literal popular sporty guy, and he's also pretty cute, (😳) and I am literally ugly as *** and have literally (on a good day) at max 10 friends. Also, I literally eat in a teachers room because I'm such a loser, haha.  Anyway, that's it for now for my ranting. If you read this whole thing, thank you, thanks for your support, sorry for all this dumping lol. love and hugs if you need / want it - angel <3
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even more update-ish rant
Depression Support / by angelheart2011
Last post
 November 30th, 2025
...See more hey all I hate this. my sister is sick, and I'm super stressed about it. I have important things all of the days except for Sunday from now untill next Saturday, and I literally can't get sick. plus, before she got sick, my sister got in trouble with my mom about doing things on her school computer she wasn't supposed to be (watching YouTube 9-9) and now i'm not allowed to use my computer at home either. I already got a block on mine, now this too???? i'm going to get so behind, and my grades are going to be ***. plus, my mom forced me to give her my password, and it felt like giving my soul away. the stuff on my computer is the only thing I have kind of to myself, and now I have nothing private. and I miss my friend so much. is this what it feels like to have your heart broken? it feels more like shattered.  and the worst thing is, when my password got taken away? the only thing I could think was that she would have been so *** at my mom. i'm genuinely losing hope. I don't know what to do. anyway, I have to go work on my essay that's due today - I won't get any other time to work on it. love and hugs if you want it to you guys -angel
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more update-ish rant stuff
Depression Support / by angelheart2011
Last post
 November 6th, 2025
...See more (TW) hey all i'm so tired of trying. I miss her, and this is nothing like last time. at least last time, I could hate the girl who left me with no friends.  but this time, I can't.  because she cared about me. at least I thought. until I got to be too much. until I told her about everything that made me miserable. until it made her miserable whenever she was around me. I would hear her laugh around other people, and I wanted, so badly, to make her laugh too. but I guess i'm too broken for that. I was too broken to make her laugh. and now I'm too broken to fix myself. it's starting to show. one of my other friends, after we were lifting weights in pe, said that I looked sad and tired, and asked why was I sad? but I knew she wouldn't care not really so I made a joke, and said, "I'm sad because I have to lift weights." people are starting to notice that I slip away to the counselors office all the time. and I hate being the weird kid with 'issues'. I hate being watched as I leave the room. but I just can't do it anymore. it's so hard. love to you all. -angel
angelheart2011 profile picture
update-ish rant thing
Depression Support / by angelheart2011
Last post
 November 5th, 2025
...See more (TW) hey all I've been feeling terrible all day. i'm so sick of trying to pretend to be happy so I just kind of ignore my friends or stick in my earbuds and pretend I can't hear them. I hate this. I hate living like this. everything is just so fake. i'm so tired of this.  I want her back. I miss her so much. I wish we were friends again and I could talk to her.  because I can feel myself staring into the deep end, and if she still cared about me, still loved me, I know she'd help pull me back.  but now I stuck leaning over the edge, barely a tiny thread pulling me back from falling.  and its so close to snapping. so so so close. I think I might be going crazy. stuck in my head alone. even when I'm in a room with others. even when i'm 'happy'. what even is 'happy' anymore? fake smiling for other benefit? laughing the fake laugh I laugh all the time now?  pretending i'm fine when inside I'm broken up pieces of glass? I just want her back. I want her to care again. I want her to listen. To wrap her arms around my broken pieces and help hold me together, an impossible task, but try anyway? i'm so alone. i'm sorry.
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anxiety issues
Anxiety Support / by angelheart2011
Last post
 November 5th, 2025
...See more (TW - sickness, anxiety, e.t.c.) hey all lately i've been feeling really anxious. at home I can't sit in a chair once i've taken a shower without it being Clorox wiped first. I can't go to lunch at school anymore because i'm so anxious that i'll get sick. I just sit in a teachers room and 'work'. i wear a mask to school, (an actual one), but i'm still so anxious that i'll get sick. (you can be jerks about it all you like, the kids at school already make fun of me sometimes anyway) plus my social anxiety has gotten really bad. i'm terrible at talking to other people, and frankly, i'd rather sit and listen to music the entire time. i'm in a gifted class, and last year I would interact, talk with other people, and I was sort of... extroverted? at least for me anyway. but this year, I just can't. my ex-best friend (god, I hate calling her that - I still miss her so much.) is in that class, and every time I see her laughing and joking with her friend in that class with us, it hurts so bad. you can't even imagine. not to mention, we're in the same choir class, and last year that made me sing louder and better, but now it just hurts to see her. I can barely talk when she's around, because I just know she must hate me now. what can I do? does anyone else have any idea of what I could do to make me feel less anxious in any of these situations? help please. I don't know what to do, and I think I'm ruining my friendships and reputation. love to all, - angel
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sad, lonely rant
Depression Support / by angelheart2011
Last post
 November 4th, 2025
...See more (I posted this on my profile, but I just decided to put it here too) (TW?) hey all sorry I disappeared for a bit. I don't know why i'm on here, it's not helping, and maybe it never will, but I just need somewhere to empty everything. if you want to reply, you can, but if you want to just read it or even simply scroll past, I won't be hurt. i've been so messed up lately. I keep crying myself to sleep because I miss my friend so much it hurts. all it feels like I do is empty my tears and write depressed, lonely song lyrics.  other than that, I play my violin.  a lot. I used to practice maybe a half hour a day, maximum, but now I practice like an hour minimum. I feel like maybe I need something to hold onto, and this is it, but then why does it feel like i'm just trying to fill time so I don't have to think about her?  it's hurts so much.  last time, I was angry. angry is good. angry can be safe. but now, this time, I'm just sad.  All The Time. and nothing helps. playing any of my instruments doesn't really help. talking about it doesn't help. drawing doesn't help. writing songs about how much I miss her doesn't help. the only thing that would help is if she came back. but that will never happen. because I *** everything up. because I don't deserve to be cared about. "sad girl on a bench, looking for silver lining." "there's no denying, I'm on an island, wishing someone was with me" those are lyrics from a lauren Spencer Smith song, and they resonate so much with me. i'm that sad girl on the bench, looking for a silver lining. sitting on my island, wishing someone was there with me. everything seems to remind me of her now.  drawing, sitting in the counselors office, reading through old emails, even just sitting and breathing, I miss her sitting and breathing with me. "you said you'd be my best friend, You'd love me 'til the world ends... but you won't be my bridesmaid anymore." "Who is gonna fix my hair and wipe the tears away? Who's gonna hold my hand and tell me it's okay?" more lyrics from Lauren Spencer Smith.  no one will hold my hand anymore. she was the only one who would. i'm so lonely. i've *** everything up and now i'm alone. (sorry for this entry. I just had to empty this *** out.) love to all you guys - angel <3
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falling apart
Poetry / by angelheart2011
Last post
 October 21st, 2025
...See more (TW) i'm f a l l i n g apart trapped and moving too fast at the same time feeling sad but acting fine tears from laughing and sadness both on my cheeks at once i'm  f a l l i n g apart baring my heart but hiding it away lonely but not alone torn apart but still holding it together for everyone i'm  f a l l i n g apart i'm so happy to be here I cry but all I want is to hide away i'm  f a l l i n g apart
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allergic to lunch
Poetry / by angelheart2011
Last post
 October 21st, 2025
...See more (sorry, this isn't very good, I just wanted to get it out) (TW) i'm excited for lunch untill I realize that I have to go to the cafeteria the worst place in the world "maybe tomorrow"  I tell my friends, after I lie and say "i've still got some work to do" work that I finished weeks ago while sitting by myself in a teachers room like I have for a month i'm too scared to go too scared of the noise the people the threats hiding in dark corners that only I can see and I wish I could go but i'm allergic to lunch
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