self hatred

hey. it’s been a while since i’ve posted here. i was avoiding it to be honest. i knew that this was a place where i removed the mask and i wasn’t ready for that..still don’t think i am.

i found out recently that one of my close friends had built up so much resentment for me because of something i did months ago. that broke me deeply. i still can’t believe how much i hurt someone that meant the world to me. someone i never wanted to hurt. it’s been a month since i found out and they haven’t responded to my last message a month ago…i have no idea where i stand with them.

this uncovered a lot of self hatred. i feel so much guilt every single second of every single day. i can barely function as a human. they haunt my every thought. i can’t eat i can’t sleep i can’t study. i don’t have energy for anything. i feel so sick all the time and my heart is so heavy all the time. i hate myself for it. so much. and the silence is driving me insane because i have no idea what it means. i have no idea if it’s just space or them letting go. so i’m just sitting helplessly waiting…waiting for someone for something that i have no idea if it’ll arrive or not. and i don’t know if i should let go or not…when i really so terribly dont want to let go.

i’ve always had dark thoughts. especially recently. so that experience didn’t change that in any way. i still get them. i still can’t see a future for myself. i still feel this numbness and emptiness and sadness. but this heaviness in my heart increased a thousand times. i can’t seem to breathe anymore. i know that i messed up and i already reflected in what i did and took accountability. i know that im not the same person i was then…im not the same person who made this stupid mistake. i know ive changed. but i dont know if im able to forgive myself for hurting them. i dont think im capable of that. i’m just so tired all the time. im so unbelievably tired.