senior year depression

it’s senior year, i’m 10 weeks away from graduating and never going back to that place. and i’m more miserable than ever.

Ever since i could remember, I had always been the shy kid in the back. too anxious…too scared…too inside my own head. My school is kindergarten all the way up till 12th grade and so i’ve been around the same people since i was very young. i’ve went through many friend groups…many and i’ve felt a certain “not belonging” and misery no matter where i was. i was always either bullied and picked on or left out or trapped in a corner.

freshman year began and i lost all the friends i had due to a blowout i had with the popular kids. i was pushed into a corner the entire year. i didn’t talk to anybody, i spent most of my time reading in the library alone, i was friendless and everyone knew it. the year ended and things got better. i grew my hair out, i grew into my looks and i became pretty. i still got picked on occasionally but i made a few good friends here and there. they lasted till junior year and by the end of it we drifted apart for no real reason.

senior year began and i was surrounded by male company, the guys wanted to joke and laugh with me and liked to call me on the phone..but the girls? not really. i’ve never spoken to them much but they gave me dirty looks, they laughed behind my back, they snickered and talked everytime i got a compliment or a bouquet on valentine’s day. and soon enough, they got me. the rumours got me.

this girl (H) is now dating a guy i’ve had a long and messy history with one mixed with vulnerability, love, hate and drama. a 3 year long mess of all that. she hates me. she’s heard things. she laughs behind my back, talks ill about me to every girl, makes sure i’m excluded and alone in every class she’s in, she says horrible stuff about me. she turned a few friends against me..now im alone during the holidays and being excluded from birthday parties and gatherings. i have two close friends at school one hardly ever comes to school due to her own problems and the other is a guy who i dont wanna get too close to since rumours already unfurled. most of my good friends aren’t in the same school as me.

im tired. i’m lonely. i’m miserable. i feel shunned out and hated for things i never did, for no good reasons. i’m exhausted. what have i done wrong?