tired of anything
sorry. please just let me type.
tired of asking for help. restraining, restricting. all or nothing. seeking validation approval.
getting blamed by internet. failing in life. gaining weight despite hating it so much. I known it's for the better but I just don't like it.
feeling lazier than before. getting complacent. or is it supposed to be called "recovery"
nothing feels right anymore. things I hoped wished for keeps failing. food never feels satisfactory nor comfort. not even favorite food. everything is just numbers.
even if it's not ED related. exercise becomes mental torment. even 5-10mins OCD compulsory exercise feels dreadful. I wondered how I did hours and hours in a day without issues in the past.
is it age? or me letting go? or getting weak and being a loser.
why getting things for self, games, hardwares etc. is being judged and got scolded by others.
why nothing is ever right...
or is it that my path of life supposed to be painful for life.
am I only allowed strictly vegetables only? otherwise weight will just go up.
I think... I typed enough for now. I'll add on perhaps on reply posts.
if you read this. thank you for reading through.
apologies if I triggered you. apologies if I taken up your precious time.
nevertheless take care of yourself first.
ever wondered why we are influenced by the internet or media.
or why "others" is right while I (yourself) is wrong?
i.e. earn your food, through hardship, effort, exercise, sweat. etc.
i.e. cold showers
i.e. having to poop or rinse self with cold water after eating certain x food or calories.
what's with the rules?
healthy routines daily mantras do this not that stay mentally strong and don't be weak or allow complacency
@mikenaiwc
It sounds complicated. It seems that you are being told a lot what is right for you and what is not. It sounds you don't like it and it is a source of some anger in you. You seem to describe how confused you are about what is really true.
Can you share what do you think is true?
Yes, you described your confusion about that, but can you sit down and find your answer in you? It doesn't have to be a perfect one. It doesn't have to be a wise one. People might disagree with it. But can we start with it?
The what you believe and feel is important. All the greatest advice that tries to bypass that might not work.
@pinkCherry1616It sounds complicated. It seems that you are being told a lot what is right for you and what is not. It sounds you don't like it and it is a source of some anger in you. You seem to describe how confused you are about what is really true.
Can you share what do you think is true?
Sometimes I feel the "other" side or opposite is true. Yet sometimes I have to pay the consequences. i.e. low fibre? low/high calorie foods? dense/dry/smaller portion of foods? lesser water?
Rather than focusing on nutrients, calories, weight, etc. more like "listening to self" at the instant moment of time. not like meal preparing, starch retrogradation, forecasting anything in life.
Food aside, i'm also kinda affected with mentality of exercise, do this not that, distract yourself, cold showers, morning routine, evening routine, etc.
Its almost everything must be in order/perfect. Although it isnt perfect.
But then again, the "internet" will always have another point of view. Be it good or bad. Sometimes criticism, sometimes encouragement.
Lastly, i'm not only affected by them, but also rather how I kinda "trained" or "restrained" or "protected" myself with those rules, which used to work (probably because i was younger), or maybe its burnout or just not for me anymore.
Yes, you described your confusion about that, but can you sit down and find your answer in you? It doesn't have to be a perfect one. It doesn't have to be a wise one. People might disagree with it. But can we start with it?
The what you believe and feel is important. All the greatest advice that tries to bypass that might not work.
I find that no matter what I do, believe or wish or hope, sometimes i just get too obsessed, overdo, or pushing to limit. Until there is no balance. But then again, "balance" this word is often overused in media. Sometimes we just have to accept shortcomings like how things ebb and flow. But i just cant. I have to (OCD mentality) follow the (my) playbook. if not otherwise, "this negative" will happen.
@mikenaiwc hi, I saw your new post and remembered that I have seen your messages before. I missed your replay here. I am not a therapist nor OCD expert but you can talk to me 1:1 if you feel like it in listeners chat.
Considering you name it OCD and that it sounds reasonable. Have you tried before the idea from my other response for creating safe spaces for not following rigorous routine? Small pre-defined things that you will be choosing with the idea that each day the choice can be different? and then if self-blame or over-checking shows up just notice it. See it without panic or guilt. You can let it sit without squashing it urgently, just remind it it is about practicing flexibility.
@pinkCherry1616
hi, I saw your new post and remembered that I have seen your messages before. I missed your replay here. I am not a therapist nor OCD expert but you can talk to me 1:1 if you feel like it in listeners chat.
Wow. thank you for remembering.
Thank you for offering your time too.
Considering you name it OCD and that it sounds reasonable. Have you tried before the idea from my other response for creating safe spaces for not following rigorous routine? Small pre-defined things that you will be choosing with the idea that each day the choice can be different? and then if self-blame or over-checking shows up just notice it. See it without panic or guilt. You can let it sit without squashing it urgently, just remind it it is about practicing flexibility.
I doubt it is possible, unless i'm being caged legally. (putting it harshly)
i kept having the constant fear and knowledge that i go astray the moment i allow flexibility. almost as if of a all-or-nothing mindset. what they so call "starvation" mentality for ED recovery.
You don’t have to have just vegetables.
Gbombs fish and fermented give you what you need to be healthy but there is space for a-bit of other things.
Eating what you need and fibre makes you fill full up.
I recommend purposefully having a-bit of treat at end of day for looking after yourself.
Self love is good but if it turns into a straight jacket you need to rebel. Do things you consider harmful but not that harmful. Things you just want to.
Platonic hugs.
@DancingDaoist
Hello, did we happen to chat before? Apologies my memory is kinda off.
It seems like its the only food, i have to stick with for life. Yet to suffer bloat, digestion, weight, poop, heavy, etc.
That's why i hate media's and science's advice about High Fibre, High Protein.
While some just say this diet, that diet, high this high that. or even better, less. to one meal.
Apologies, i'm sticking to plant based only. And occasional forced or mentally forced egg/yogurt.
Treat, well i often find it backfires. either by numbers or mentality or even the all or nothing kind.
That's why anything and or everything can just be a double-edged. not to say that it isnt valid. sometimes we just have to accept that we are just human. yet... i feel inversed.
Thank you for your thoughts daoist.
@DancingDaoist@DancingDaoist
Sorry just to add on if you dont mind. I don't want to post in ED community to avoid triggering others in recovery.
Its just sad to feel that foods or "what used to work-diet mentality?" does not work anymore.
I changed the font color to white for trigger warning.
store bread - calories, portions, macros, sodium
homemade bread - excessive calories
oatmeal - bloat, too much water, cold
overnight oats or less water oats - dense, caloric, not satisfying
sweet potato - cant resist. just eat... until unwell, i wonder if its craving, hunger, binge or just mentally wrong
vegetables - raw, cooked, dried, mush, hot/warm/cold/reheated, whatever it just gels well sometimes, yet sometimes dont
frozen mixed vegetables - well, like to "chew" the icey feel, likewise previously with sweet potato or pumpkin, but stomach just doesn't like it. not even accounting for numbers yet.
protein? tofu? - silky -> not satisfying unless loaded with cocoa powder, pressed/very firm tofu - dense, small portion, not enough, high fat
yogurt - well, i add water and freeze them into thick icey bars. stomach just dislike them.
fruits - i dont know what to say.
water/coffee/electrolyte/etc. - bloat and quantity and temperature affects also
i wonder how much more of a list i should add. before the post gets blacklisted.
is everything just numbers or am i just going havoc with life.
weight, well... i made promises with professionals to "restore" some. but it just mentally hurts...
I grind seeds and add coco powder true cinnamon and a bit of date sugar and soy milk.
I find I can try to be to good, it becomes a straight jacket. You seem to care for animals that is good. I have very little animal products but would if I can’t get alternatives that are as healthy.
@DancingDaoist
wow, sounds like chia seed pudding related?
For me, not truly about animals, but rather just "dont want". I'm not sure is it because of influences, morality, blood, "correct" diet, etc.
But then sometimes i just dont know why, certain food just feels correct/better with the body. Despite what "internet" says.
So who to listen at the end of the day... i'm lost.
Chia flax pumpkin lots of seeds. I add walnuts as well. I use spice/coffee grinder.
ah I see.
I lost my blender, wear and tear. never got one again.
because of the fear of eating it "processed"
but recently I bought it again.
yet I returned it. I don't know why.
I missed the lentil vegetable cake.
I lost my oven as well. hiaz...
