update-ish rant thing

(TW)

hey all

I've been feeling terrible all day.

i'm so sick of trying to pretend to be happy so I just kind of ignore my friends or stick in my earbuds and pretend I can't hear them.

I hate this.

I hate living like this.

everything is just so fake.

i'm so tired of this. 

I want her back.

I miss her so much.

I wish we were friends again and I could talk to her. 

because I can feel myself staring into the deep end, and if she still cared about me, still loved me, I know she'd help pull me back. 

but now I stuck leaning over the edge, barely a tiny thread pulling me back from falling. 

and its so close to snapping.

so

so

so

close.

I think I might be going crazy.

stuck in my head alone.

even when I'm in a room with others.

even when i'm 'happy'.

what even is 'happy' anymore?

fake smiling for other benefit?

laughing the fake laugh I laugh all the time now? 

pretending i'm fine when inside I'm broken up pieces of glass?

I just want her back.

I want her to care again.

I want her to listen.

To wrap her arms around my broken pieces and help hold me together, an impossible task, but try anyway?

i'm so alone.

i'm sorry.