vent

Hey some general info up front: im a female, im 18 years old and live in Switzerland. I am a student. Now that that is out of the way, I need to vent about my mental state but because mx story with mental illness is a rather long one I’ll try to summarize my history with it very briefly: I started having problems with my mental health at age 11. started going to therapy pretty soon after I started feeling depressed, been in the mental health system ever since. Had 2 mental hospital stays, one was for a month, the 2nd stay was 4 months long. Ive gone to countless therapists and was tested for many many mental illnesses that most people know of. I was tested for adhd/add, depression, autism, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, ptsd, panic disorder, social anxiety, and so on. Over the years Ive been to many different therapists but none could actually find put what im struggling with or whats wrong with me. Whatever diagnosis I get at some place gets debunked at the next. The mental illness that seems to get closest to the truth would be seasonal depression which gets really bad in winter. Winters render me completely unable to function and it keeps getting worse year by year. This is my 3rd year trying to repeat year 11 at a "Gymnasium". And the problem aren’t my grades. I’ve got a clinically tested iq of 134 and while I dont put much thought into that number my grades are very good and I rarely have to study much to get through. So performing in that area is not a problem. But I have huge issues waking up and facing life. I want to run away from reality. I want to dream forever and dont have the energy to go through daily life. Everything overwhelms me and I get panicky when I gotta leave the house. Nothing makes me truly happy anymore and I do not see a rosy future for myself. Or any future at all at the moment but to be fair rn as I‘m writing this im feeling exceptionally low spirited. The lines between my imagination and whats real are very blurry. Its almost as if I am perceiving my own life from a third person perspective. Nothing evokes true, clear and intense emotions in me. Ive distanced myself so much from my own feelings and duties in life that I am kinda stuck in this state where literally everything feels like theres a wall of fog between me and life. I literally am at my limit rn. I keep lying about my attendance in school to my mother because I don’t want to worry her too much, she has already given up so much for me. But Ive been restlessly destroying her life with my existence and issues. I can literally see how she’s changed in the past few years. I destroyed her and I feel so guilty. Mainly because theres no signs for anything to change for the better at any point in the foreseeable future. I am so close to giving up actively. I feel like I’d do everyone a favor. This isn’t some kind of stunt for attention Ive passed that phase. Idk if this is supposed to be a last cry for help, some sort of personal manifesto or if this is just my current depression having taken control over my mind. Whatever it is I know that Ive lost control over it all I can do is document it. Im destroying my last chance at living a successful life as we speak but I can’t actually feel any way about it. This might just as well just be a dream I am honestly not sure