vent
I don't like to vent and then end it by declining all words of help, I promise I will be taking responses seriously because I'm not in a position to push people away, even if they're just kind people across the Internet.
i guess I can start with how I'm feeling. I feel incredibly alone, and like I can never be myself because it's too loud or too inexpressive or too something, it's so incredibly stifling and it's getting more and more difficult to just mask and hide stims and not wanting to force facial expressions
not for lack of trying, I'm always trying and I know I'm making progress in unlearning years of suppressing my personality to be convenient for others it's just so hard. you know?
and I feel anxious that my life will end up in shambles, and that I won't be good enough to do anything well. I don't know what I want career wise and it's so close to the time I have to pick something
I feel stupid, like everytime I've felt exhausted or unseen and I've reacted negatively, I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have set that boundary or stood up for my friend or this and that even though I know I don't have to be convenient all the time, it still feels like I'm being offensive rather than defending myself and my right to be a whole human.
I feel unhappy, a lot of the time. It's not my whole life, I can still get up and go to school and work and I'm thankful for that. It's just so so much energy all the time to make sure my thoughts don't slip and I'm so tired
In the words of another post, I recently tried to 'not life' and I don't know what to do. I'm not afraid of myself, I just.. multiple things combined and I spiraled and now I've set a boundary with myself to stay away from a few things. I don't believe I'm a danger to myself and I don't want to right now. It's just ideations. there's no way to convince anyone that I feel I'm going to be okay I think but I've handled a lot I can handle this
my parents are getting better, they just still yell and condescend and disregard. nothing physical just emotional stress.
everything feels so faded to me, like it's happening but it won't do anything
I truly think I'm okay right now
I'm so tired of giving my all every day just to do normal tasks and make sure I keep my attitude positive, and to keep forcing my face to express feelings and forcing myself to not stim and stopping myself from having a panic attack when it's too loud or someone's literally just tapping on their desk
I'm so tired but all I need and desperately want is to be seen. and to have my struggles understood and to not feel so alone and like I'm all I have
I have friends, and they're wonderful
but it's hard to speak in person and none of them really enjoy speaking over text
thank you to everyone who sees this
I'm sorry for any stress I've caused anyone
@linvi I see you. Thanks to your post I think I understand your struggles better. I don’t know if this will help, but I keep noticing my worry lately about a lot of things. It’s uncomfortable. It’s always playing in the background. But I’m trying to take the worry itself less seriously - that is, when I notice I’m worried about some particular thing happening I tend to say something to myself like, “I’m worried (that’s the emotion, and the part that is real) but the ‘particular thing’ I’m worried about may not happen or be such a big deal (so the subject of the worry is actually the ‘theoretical part’).” It’s not that my worry is irrelevant, it’s about actual things that could happen - but they are by definition future possibilities, but my feelings are actually something tangible, in the moment. This makes me less afraid of the feeling itself. It diminishes the effect of the feeling, so I can relax a little bit more. That sounds like a small win, but being a little less stressed is a good thing. Feelings cycle. Some days there is more worry and some days much less. So on a bad day, I know I’ll feel better in a few hours or days. Knowing this also diminishes the worry. There is so much in life we can’t control, but we can learn to relate to our feelings differently and take the sting out of life. When we are teenagers we have a whole lot of feelings and challenges and not a lot of experience, so I guess I’m saying trust in yourself, cut yourself some slack, and maintain some curiosity about the process of human-ing, of growing.
@FlatenedByLife
that is comfortable
thank you so much, that means more to me than you know
@FlatenedByLife
hope is difficult and hard to keep but that's my main goal, I will keep trying to have it
@FlatenedByLifeI
just found this site for this reason. I wish I had the words for you, but all of mine are so insufficient. But just know that reading this, and being able to relate so much to what you are saying,makes me feel a little less alone. Which is big right now for me.
@friendlyTortoise444
feeling less alone is so important, we're all here for you
feel free to vent in this thread anytime or make your own posts and I'll do my best to respond, we all need to support each other