what is wrong w me fr

everything is terrible i could be worse cause im not crying im not shing but its just that something is wrong thats causing this turmoil inside me like inside of me would be like a loud static tv i dont know when itll ever be silent. i log my feelings and the other day i logged like 8 feelings for the day and didnt even put all its every damn second i realize im down im angry im all over the place my mind is never at peace i was even drinking the other nights and smoking some no nicotine *** just to yk..do smth bad to myself thats the whole intention i wanna break myself in a way. i said that a while ago that i wanna destroy myself but now look at me, wanting peace within myself. i havent focused in any of my classes or studied, my parents had some big argument and that set me off even more then they want to pretend as if theyre all okay but then i catch my mom crying, my dads now on my back about school work, my mom thinks im talking to her harshly and i hate being around my sister my brother asked me why im talking less and if im "emo". do i rlly have to show signs so youd know? either way i did this to myself with the amount of hiding i did. ive never felt bad like this all the time for days in a row i dont know if im just faking it because i told my friends and now i have to keep up the act is that crazy to say but im still not okay and i just dont know what to do i want out of here i want to be smart i want to do something with myself i want friends i want stability i want to be alone, but at the same time all i want to do is nothing, maybe become a cloud..and have nothing but music playing forever. im also christian and im behaving like this is this a test? im so uncomfortable in my own house it doesnt even feel like home.. i wish i had therapy then id know whats wrong with me i dont know i dont know i dont know i want to feel nothing im tired