Depression Community - How do you actually feel today?

Had a bit of a lull in my mood yesterday and I've been quite emotionless but doing okay for someone coming off my meds.

Depressed. Mad at myself for being depressed. Wondering why I'm crying. And a vague fear that I'm unlovable and that I've fucked up my life beyond repair. Upset that my friends are either oblivious or selfish. And afraid of people finding out I feel this way. They always ask why and I honestly do not know. It's not something I can put in words. And also stupid for doing this.

I'm working on day 9 of a migraine. I've been to two different doctors 4 times in the past week, a counselor, and had a brain MRI done (came back normal). Three more appointments scheduled for the next two weeks. The older I get, the worse the migraines get, and they exacerbate my already debilitating depression and anxiety. I'm on eleven different medications, and I'm not functioning. I'm in pain and crying all the time, and I feel like I'm hitting rock bottom. Getting out of bed is the worst, followed by going to bed at night. I'm having night terrors, crazy mood swings, spells of sobbing uncontrollably- and so help me, if one more person tells me to suck it up, lighten up, get over it, take a Midol, or to just pop some ibuprofen, it might just be enough to push me over the edge of insanity. While filling out my FMLA paperwork today, my doctor- who wrote down that I have flare ups and will need to miss work often- told me to find a way to suck it up. It felt like a gut check. What I wouldn't give to be a "normal" and know what it feels like to not have everything feel ten times harder than it needs to. I have told her and my counselors that I'm not functioning. I don't know how else to make it clearer. I can't focus, my anxiety is through the roof, and I'm actually wishing I'd get fired just to have a break- which won't be long if they realize how crappy my work has been lately. Coders are a dime a dozen. Some days I just don't want to exist. :'(

I feel like crap.. I hurt a lot of feelings with my own anger and now everyone is mad at me.. I'm sick of being thrown aside, though.. I just want to be good enough for someone..

I've already posted in the daily check in. I'm feeling exhausted. I just can't be bothered putting any effort into anything, getting dressed just seems extremely taxing. I feel like crying, I feel like shouting. I just want to curl back up in bed. I feel a little hungry but I don't want to eat anything.

But I said I wanted to enjoy the rest of my Sunday, which I want to do, but at the same time, as I'm sure everyone has felt, it doesn't seem worth it. Everything hurts and feels heavy, my head especially.

Im angry and bitter no matter who I talk to. I try not to be self deprecating, but I take it out on other people, even objects. Everything has hurt me perhaps. I am a petty person, and my interests have dwindled into just staying afloat. I have very little friends or people I can turn to, and I can't decide what I want in life.

I am having a good week. I cleaned out my car, which is a big deal for me. I have been fighting Major depression for 2 years, ups and downs. I have learned to accept and celebrate small accomplishments.

I feel terrible! I believe I am at the lowest I have been since I completed rehab in February 2004. I am about to fail nursing school, my instructors have lost faith in me, and I no friends to lean on for support. I am just going through the motions and trying to put up a strong front for my mother.

Better. Not well, not yet, but clouds are passing and it's a huge relief.

I got 7 cups of tea yesterday and I was having a really bad episode. I couldn't stop crying, my face hurt because I was crying so much. I started talking to some listeners, and I started doing some of the challenges and i feel so much better today.