Everyday lack of meaning
Hello. It's nice to meet you everyone.
I am 22 year old girl, I'm a student. And even if I am so young, I can't see my future in any way. I can't find meaning in existing, in being alive. I tried to find it really hard, but I failed. I wake up every day and I don't know what for. Every part of my life is simply meaningless. What is more I don't see meaning not only in being alive, but also in being dead. It simply doesn't really makes sense for me. Sometimes I can't get up from bed and take care of myself, because it's somehow really trivial. Why to do it if I have to do it every day again and again?... I don't know how to describe that empty, numb feeling. I can't find proper words, even in my native language.
However at the same time, when I can't see the meaning of being anywhere, I am terribly afraid of death. I am afraid that I will die suddenly. That I will be/am ill, that I can't be helped. And I can't escape from it. Sometimes it's only fear, but sometimes it's way more. I am frightened, I can't think clearly, sometimes it feels like dying. During that time I am so scared that I even can't ask for help. I also couldn't because I am embarassed because of that. I know it's not real, that everything be ok somehow, that I'll be alive. But during that time things which I feel seem to be so real. Sometimes it lasts for minutes, sometimes for hours, days... When it continue I want to be alive, to feel good so badly. When it ends I feel so exhausted. And then I come back to that feeling of meaninglesness, emptiness.
And that's how more or less it is here. Thank you for reading my short story.
@edta thank you for sharing this and letting it out hope it made you feel better talking about it I'm sorry you are feeling this way I will try my best to help or give advice to you sometimes it feels like that I wonder why are we here if we die anyway what's the catch to this what's the point but now I just accept it and live life the way I want to enjoying it everyone has a future its how you look at it and how you see your self in the future some its there dream job others exploring the world traveling its what you want to do in life what makes you happy what you've always wanted to do but never had that chance maybe in the future you will follow that road who knows also try our lovely community listeners on here that specialize in this they be able to help you a lot more then I could all the best and I really hope you'll be okay :)
@BrightRedFlower2322
thank you very much for your kind words.
@edta your very welcome :)
I've been exactly where you are. Early twenty's. Several years of college behind you and can't imagine the future, because the future cannot be seen. What I can tell you is to try to find goals. They don't have to be anything to do with your education or your current interests. Take everything day by day, look for opportunities to go and do things. If you are asked to go do something, always say yes, because even though going to the coffee shop sounds mundane and absolutely pointless, you may end up trying a coffee you've never had and fall in love with it. You make laugh until your stomach hurts, or it may be the worst experience you've ever had at a coffee shop. Regardless, it got you out of your room and it gave you something to talk about later. Finding the strength to say yes, is the hardest part. It does seem pointless and well, stupid. Just do it, and the more you do it the better you will feel. Each time you do, that weight you feel keeping you in bed will be lighter and lighter. I won't promise you that once you shake it off that it stays off. No, as a matter of fact you will cycle through this your whole life. You will get lost under that cloud of hopelessness and loss of meaning. But, once you ground yourself again, and start to pick yourself up, you will get through it. and you can always remind yourself, "you've done it before, you can do it again".
much love, hang in there. there is so much more life to come.