Hey guys...

I'm new to this, I've talked with people on here before when I was in need of someone to bounce feelings off of. I picked this forum even though other ones (Anxiety, Alcohol) apply. I grew up in a family where emotions were not to be shown unless in a time of much dispair (Death of family member, pet, etc) My dad was hard on me growing up sometimes, especially being the only boy out of 3 sisters. I grew up socially awkward and I've never been much to look at since I've been told I look unapproachable by friends and family. I've never had a large sense of self worth or confidence because of this to this very minute I type this out. I started to act out on my own free will in school to past time and I was expelled from school twice although I graduated from high school and vocational at the same time with an above average GPA. I was troubled but straightened myself out early on in adulthood by getting a car, a job and a few places but I realized how terrified I am to become close and vulnerable with anyone through dating and intimate encounters. My anxiety has gotten so bad to the point I panic being out around people often. I've been covering it up with alcohol the past few years to the point I feel overwhelmed and do things I wouldn't do like take drugs with it or act on impulse with any and every situation. My anger is worse when I drink but it's been the only thing that totally rids me of my anxiety and fear of expressing myself emotionally or physically. I feel so depressed and completely and utterly worthless as a person. My friends don't help at all, my family is going through enough grief at the moment to stop for anything as measly as myself, I have lost all desire to meet people, date or recently, even go anywhere. I'm fucking stuck in this whirlwind and I just wish I could get out. I feel very uncomfortable talking to someone I know out of fear they'll use this against me somehow so I need the help of someone who, probably couldn't care less, but is completely unaware of who I am and unable to get back at me through the hole in my emotional wall. I hope to hear from you guys, even if it's one person I'd feel a tiny bit better to talk to them.