My personal struggle with depression. Share your story struggling with depression here! All welcome

Hello,

I don't know if I've had mild depression through my teenage years as I have a rather low-key personality naturally. It was managable for the most part and my lows would come from Seasonal Affective Disorder and a lack of iron in my blood. I got much worse in my second year of university though because a couple of my friends broke up and both would cling to me in the aftermath. It drained me. I barely had the motivation to attend my classes or leave my house, that year I was my most unsocial but I still wouldn't call it depression, just exhaustion.

Last year is kind of when everything reach a turning point and I fell deep into major depression. My grandfather was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer which spread fast and it was hard to watch his vibrant personality dim as he was always in pain. It was difficult watching my mom deal with her relatives on his side as they all thought she wanted to get most of his worldly goods. He had specifically asked to be cremated and half of his ashes spread with his dog's ashes over the mountains and the other half buried with his deceased daughter. This did not come to pass and his body was left in the morgue for over two weeks, which is unheard of in my culture. They wanted to bury him despite knowing what he wanted, didn't want to have a feast to feed his spirit and send him off, and kept hounding my mother for money while shaming her for wanting pictures of her father. Eventually they relented and my grandfather was cremated but it happened so fast and only a few people were allowed to view his body. The whole thing just drove me down and it was difficult to grieve. Sometimes I wonder if I've completely come to terms with his death, we did not see each other often but he was a warm and hilarious man.

After the funeral, my performance in my classes plummetted and I decided to attend counselling. It worked for a bit but my grades kept dropping and so was my motivation. My roommate was starting to worry and be affected by my mood. I wouldn't eat and barely slept, just laid in my room numb. She was losing her vibrancy and I decided that I needed to do something so I started on antidepressants. They've helped though sometimes I feel like my brain is covered in a fog. I began seeing a different counsellor in the winter semester to work over some past issues. Things went well but my counsellor was fairly inexperienced and triggered my panic and I was emotionally vulnerable for a few disastrous days. I went to see her again after I calmed down just to tell her I wouldn't be returning. She's nice enough but I need all the stability I can get.

It has been a year since I started the meds and I've had to up my dosage today because I feel similar to how I was last year and I want to stop it before it gets bad. I've joined some student groups and volunteer a lot. I find the majority of my stress comes from my student group members rather than school work. They're draining and don't understand responsibility and often bully me when I bring up valid concerns. They've used the threat of leaving because of me to get me to be compliant and it's honestly very disheartening. They're unresponsive and make me feel like I over-react to everything. My counsellors have assured me that I am not overreacting. Its probably just my brain going into full panic mode. It's just.........draining. I barely want to do anything, the negative backlash and lack of support makes me want to quit but then I'll be super disappointed in myself for giving up. I don't want to spiral, I need good grades this year to keep my school funding going. I only need one more year. This sucks. It's just a bad day today. I'll work through it. I have work to do.