@PaytonFaye2003 and @Avaray Corner
please let me know if you get this! its or own corner where we can talk!
@agreeableKite4304
Hey kiddo x that sounds lousy ..... Sorry, being sick makes everything seem even more intense, your body sounds quite run down, I hope you are having a good vitamin tonic to build up your body.
Hope you feel better soon Payts
Lots of love ❤
@Avaray
i been sick for about 5 days. and molly maybe fostering another child. im not to happy about it at all, and hope that she doesent do it...
@Paytonfaye2003
❤
@Avaray :'( it aint fair... why cant she just be hapoy with me and only me... i dont want someone coming in and taking over. Molly will love them and if she loves her more than me it will hurt so bad... i have been crying alot and i havent really been sleeping or eating. I got my bags packed and some money saved... if thats what she wants then thats why shes going to get..
@Paytonfaye2003
You're terrified ... I get that Payts..... But unpack please, running time is over Payts... Talk and talk with Molly.... She loves you and you love her that's what makes it so scary.... You found love ❤
@agreeablekite4304 @Avaray
I know you guys aint going to be very happy with me right now. and Im not happy with me either. I have alot of stuff going on with me. Alot of things going on at Home and Problems with school... I have always struggled with alot of things and yesterday I Hit rock bottom... I Lost myself and I know you guys are going to say I am horrible for doing this to molly cause she doesnt deserve it and your right she doesent. Ive been at the hospital since yesterday morning and Im prolly going to be her a while.. I made a huge mistake and I could of died... Its so hard to control myself when i get this way. I get so emotional and I cant control myself until its already done... I over-dosed and was found un-responsive in my room. I woke up to them pumping my stomach. I need help, and I am going to get the help I need to learn to control it. I thought i was doing very well Ive been good, but very depressed. I wish I wasent saved cause, i feel like a piece of shit for doing that to molly. I wasent thinking, I just acted out... Then it went bad... I am admitted at the hospital right now and Right now I am in ICU.... I need help, i have emotional issues and i need help So sorry for being a big disapointment to you both and everybody else... I am going to do what I have to do to get the help I need... You guys are right Molly does love me and I will make this up to her... But i need to help myself first and make me healthy and happy before I can work on my relationship with anybody else... Love you guys will keep you posted...
@Paytonfaye2003
Im glad you are getting help Payts, that's a good thibg x
Disappointed... No x
Sad that you are dealing with so much....yes x
Yes you are right Molly loves you ❤
Keep us posted how u doing ok x
Always proud of u and love you Payts xx
@Avaray
im so sorry. I feel like poop. I feel like i am always bringing people saddness instead of happness... why was i saved... i dont understand
@Paytonfaye2003
I just don't like people to feel pain in general Payts, my nature is to want to make a persons pain go away, and not let them have to feel pain, I'm kinda pathetic that way, but I realise I can't take peoples pain away as much as I would like to..... nothing you did kiddo xx I'll probably always be that way, just instinctive.
I'm glad they found you.... ❤
Take this time for you kiddo, feel what u need to feel, talk about what you need to talk about. Allow them to help you. I'm really glad that you are getting help
@Avaray 
@Avaray
i herd them telling molly that i am underweight and anemic too. And they believe i have an eating disorder as well... I really just wanna go home... I will get better on my own i promise. They told molly they are sending me upstairs tomorrow am
@Paytonfaye2003
Hey Kiddo xx let them look after you.... You need to just rest ❤
@Avaray 
@Avaray
I made a mistake and i told them i am sorry... i keep asking if i stop it can i go home and they wont let me... I would do it on my own at home... i know i said i will try but being here is to hard and i cant do it... i havent eaten since i been here cause even taking a couple bites is hard... I dont understand why i came here for 1 thing and now i have alot to do before i can go home... Im upset cause they wouldnt let molly stay, and she can come to see me only an hr a day... I just wanna go home...Iam so sad here... i hate being with strangers... i miss molly. I didnt sleep at all last night and now i cant sleep again... its scary here kinda.
@Paytonfaye2003
Hey kiddo...
I know you want to go home kiddo.... But I think you know deep in your heart you need this help and won't be able to do it by yourself.... Molly won't stop loving you, and take one day at a time one, one bite at a time... We all want you to start to heal Payts xx
❤
@Avaray
i can do it by myself if they let me go... i dont wanna be here... i want molly here with me... They want me to do all this stuff that i have a hard time doing... GRRRRRRRRRR
@agreeableKite4304
Hey kiddo x
Found it xx
@Avaray @Agreeablekite4304
I miss you guys... I wrote you on March 3rd I think and I got nothing. thought you guys left... But I miss you guys how are you? Been back into counsling and it is actually going good. I only met with her 2 times so far and she is really nice and young. and i feel I can actually talk to her!
@Agreeablekite4304
Hey there x
I'm glad counseling is going ok, it really helps a person. This old gal has been crazy busy, I probably hit a crazy moment and decided my life wasn't hectic enough and so I have.... Wait for it..... " gone back to school" actually correspondence learning so I have to try fit it in when I can. I'm studying finance/ bookkeeping as I am a bookkeeper for a very long time but learnt how by actually doing the work, so now I decided I will understand things better and also have a qualification (when I pass) These old cogs in my head have really been turning. I write my first exam on the 10 of May. In the mean time I have to study and complete assignments. 😬
Apart of me is happy because it's something I have always wanted to do, but also so scared that I won't be able to get it all done and remember it as well.
I suppose it's good to challenge one's self... But I also need to find a balance between work, traveling alot, being mom, wife therapy oh yes and me somewhere in between 😁
I think after the first exam I will feel abit more confident.
I'm glad you are back home kiddo. Xx
@Avaray
I am so glad you are back in school doing what you love. you will do great I just know it! (I believe in you).I have been writing alot in my journals, and I have always have alot to write about. Good, Bad, and the ugly. Me and molly have been pretty good since I came home, But I think I do have a real big problem with food and eating. I know its getting out of control, and I cant help it... People are like just eat, wish it was that easy. On march 26th i am starting an after school program, cause i need extra help in math. I am a retard! I am not doing well... I am below my class.. Its so freaking hard... 
@Paytonfaye2003
Hey there, I thought I would reply before my sleeping pill kicks in 😴😴
Thanks for thinking I can do it xx I used to battle with maths, my brother used to try help me, I realised much later that when I moved schools I lost out on some basics of maths that was nb and that's why I was battling to get it. You are not a retard!! I'm busy relearning math basics now doing business literacy and its making these cogs turn, although I am enjoying it more. Learning fractions, decimals, percentages etc.
I know it must be difficult with the not wanting to eat.... I have the opposite... I eat for comfort and people might say well just stop.. But I think when it's been rooted as a coping skill, it is so much harder and then the physical also takes over ontop of that as your body needs or repels the food. A balance between the 2 of us would be great ☺
I'm glad you and Molly are doing better. She really loves you kiddo.
Oh yes.. I found if you have an app store If you browse there for learning different things on maths they have got some great apps to help, you just have to browse abit.
Hugs my friend xx I'm going to put my phone down before my eyes get too blury or I drop it just now, proud of you always.... ❤
@Avaray
OMG, its working yay
@agreeablekite4304 @Avaray
@Paytonfaye2003
Hey Kiddo 😃
@Avaray
hey hey
Hey Payts xx
How things going with you?
💕
@Avaray
It's going. Still in the eating disorder clinic. Still having a hard time... I just wanna go home but they wont let me. I love and miss you and kite.
@Paytonfaye2003
I'm sorry to hear that Payts xxx And kiddo no matter what, I believe in you even when you feel you cannot believe in your self and even though we don't talk much, I seriously don't think I will ever forget you, I can picture me old and grey and still have you in my mind, I think you made little footprints over my heart kiddo xx
(hmmmm come to think of it...maybe you gave me a few of those grey hairs...😕 just kidding..😂)
It's a long hard journey kiddo.. but every step is closer to the future and further from the past... But not easy....
I'm glad you are getting help, it makes me feel a lot better knowing people are there for you.
How things with you and Molly going?
Hugs Payts
@Avaray @agreeablekite4304
Molly comes to visit me once in a while, but they wont let her come alot just yet... You and kite, are very special to me and I think about you both all the time... You guys are my Online family and no matter what you both will always be stuck with me... I love you both and miss you guys... and wish we can go back to when we talk everyday. I need to give you alot more gray hairs... You Guys will always Have a place in my heart... Kite, How are u feeling? Hope ur feeling better and back to ur old self.. Miss you so much!!!!! Avaray, how is school going? Hows ur boy? Love hearing about him...
@Paytonfaye2003
Hey kiddo x those grey hairs..... 😀
This old duck passed her first exam and now am studying my next subject.... Eish !
And write my next exam in Sept, but been so busy and tired i havent been able to study much, got to get my butt in gear and make a plan. 😬
Although it's a tough thing and can really put a lot of stress on me apart of me at the same time just feels good that I am trying because i have wanted to do it for a very long time.
My son.... Hmmm he's 14 now.... And can get abit grumpy with me, but he also is a sweety pie and likes to pick me flowers from our garden (when we have flowers) or out of anyplace actually 😬 he took an artificial one out of someone's flower arrangement the other day and gave it to me, i had to put it back when he didnt see 😂
We are still working on his speech as it can be hard to understand what he is saying but he is also trying hard to get words and try communicate with them, but we'll get there. They all go back to school next week.
Yeah... It's amazing Ive been in 7 cups 2 years next month and I think it was around april 2017 kite, and you and I started chatting, time just flies, hey kiddo... When i look back ...you have come soo far, and done so well...... Yes i know you can't see it... But we can.... And that incredible strength that you show even when you seem at your weakest kiddo... That standing back up... That holding on.... Allowing people in to help you, that's huge.... Seeing you learn to trust Molly and realise she loves you.... All that takes courage and even been in hospital.... Courage because it's a step closer to the amazing life you deserve Payts....
Hugs kiddo xxx
One day at a time......
❤❤
@Avaray
But, I dont feel I am getting any better... I am still a bratty brat and things are always so hard... I cant do anything right and when I do i fall back down. This time I am having a hard time getting up... I am tried out, you guys have no idea... Thats why I try not to say to much cause, I dont think I will ever get better... Its true... I havent felt like this is a long time.. but this time is bad. and im having a hard time getting back up... I really am. I am weak and my body is so tired. I am so tired!
@Paytonfaye2003
Payts I'm no expert x but what I see is that for so long your body has had to fight, be alert, and your mind and all that adrenaline that keeps that flight or fight thing going normally pumps and doesn't switch off easily with people that have had trauma, and at some point the body and mind just sort of crash or shut down... Maybe a part of you somewhere realises that although you feel like a very bad word you are actually safe, and I think the body and mind just hits a flat, almost like a reboot.... But that reboot might take time as it has been through so much for so long and needs to work through things, hard things and once it's ready it will slowly start to day by day ease a tad, but kiddo it really takes time, it and you have lots to work through... You are safe and getting help now that is the starting point of things. Kiddo I wish i could make it easier for you because you my little friend deserve the best.... bratty or not,... we see in you under that tough exteria that you put up as a protection response that beautiful caring heart which you have.
I don't know how you are really feeling inside Payts but i know you will eventually stand up again even though it seems impossible at the moment, rest and let people there help you bit by bit, we believe in you even when you feel you cant do it... It's not a simple or easy process i dont want want to minimise it.
Hugs Payts ❤
@Avaray
Hugs, love you guys
@Paytonfaye2003
Love ya too kiddo 💕
@Avaray @agreeablekite4304
I AM SO FRUSTRATED. I FAINTED AGAIN THIS MORNING AND WOKE UP TO A TUBE IN MY NOSE... I ALREADY TOLD THEM I DO NOT WANT IT. I HAVE RIGHTS TO MY OWN BODY AND THEY DIDNT LISTEN... I HATE IT HERE ANDJUST WANNA LEAVE... NOBODY EVER LISTENS TO MY WANTS AND NEEDS... I WAS TAKING A FEW BITES AT BREAKFAST JUST NOT LUNCH AND DINNER. BUT IT DONT GIVE THEM ANY RIGHT TO DO WHAT THEY WANNA DO... I WANNA LEAVE. WHY WONT THEY JUST LET ME_DIE
@Paytonfaye2003
I know you'll be angry.. Xx but I'm glad they are not letting you die, I'm sorry you are going through this Payts ❤
@Avaray
i wanna leave. They are mean. I didn't want it.
@Paytonfaye2003
Payts my son has had to go to hospital. a lot of times throught his life (not the same as what you are having to go through kiddo I know) but I'll get to what I'm meaning xxx They battle to find veins on him since when he was born so they have to try a few places to get a drip going, it breaks my heart knowing what was coming because I knew it involved nurses and at times me holding him down while he would scream and cry while they tried to find a place to place that drip, I felt like i had betrayed him by helping them do that or letting do that, knowing the pain, terror and helpless/powerlessness he must be feeling, the one time they made me go out the room and I could hear him screaming from down the passage, it wripped my heart out, but even so I know without that drip and those meds that needed to go in his body he would probably get worse and could die,
I don't know what you are having to go through there Payts, but I do know it's to save your life, I know control and the lack thereof is a huge thing as it was taken away when you were being abused Payts, and once again it feels like just when you are supposed to be safe people are once again taking the control away..... I'm sorry it's like that.... The difference is the time from the abuse was not to help you.... But here they are trying to get you through to a place where you can once again have control over things ... Over your body....to live kiddo, They are trying to save your life even though it seems like they are terrible for doing what they are. I don't know if i am making sense Payts.... And probably want to deck me one xx Don't give up kiddo, let them help you, there are people who care that you exist Payts, it matters to us that you are here.
Hugs my little friend...
@Avaray @agreeablekite4304
Thanks love you both.... hugs
@Paytonfaye2003
Love ya too kiddo xx
@Avaray @agreeablekite4304
@paytonfaye2005
You are beautiful kiddo xx
@Avaray ty