@PaytonFaye2003 and @Avaray Corner
please let me know if you get this! its or own corner where we can talk!
Look after yourself Payton xx
Take care little one
@Avaray @agreeablekite4304
hey, just woke up? How are u both feeling... miss you guys.. its been a crazy week and had alot of homework. MY arm feels alot better... bigs hugs
Hi Payts x glad you're starting to feel more confident being at school, you r sounding alot happier, im glad your arm is on the mend.... Yeah normally lots of homework, the joys of preparing for your future that you want🌹 keep going forward kiddo you are doing so well x
My phone has been trembling in its case.... So I had to check out what was happening inside... What are you two up to! Payts ...Kite hmmmm!
Just kidding😜.. Yes im old and i can joke, what a combo I am...Ok abit old, oh Ava quit babbling to yourself... But on a serious note.
I love you both, and you are some of my best buddies here... Payts... We didn't go anywhere.... We where here xx And the boyfriend thing well.... You know me on that one xx
(maybe we should chat when I'm really ancient and you're grown into this amazing young beautiful woman that I know you're going to be (true) and you're saying to me "Ava help my 13 year old daughter likes this boy, what must a do, she's too young...do you know what goes through those boys heads!!) 😜😜😜
My daughter will be 8 this year... I've got a few years to think of my reply 😧....
The stress and joys of being grown up and loving, caring for someone xx
The councillor thing.... Yip it's your choice, definitely, I can't imagine sitting in front of someone wishing those jolly hands in the clock would tick faster! But yes that wonderful word.... Think about it... You're probably tired of all that prodding and probing and having to get into all that stuff this is your new start and now it's ok, that's true, but I left my stuff from when I was your age and younger and didn't push through it even blocked it out so I didn't have to deal with it, I just want to be normal.....
Payts rethink it please my little friend... I wish I had done what they are asking you to do then, instead of being in therapy as a 45 year old wishing I felt normal and still feeling like a child in those areas because I didn't have the opportunity to deal with those things then but they don't leave you alone Payts... They as much as you try are still there because they are things in your life that need to be worked through.
I know you're pretty much wanting to box me around now, but thats ok too, when you care, sometimes the hard not so popular stuff also has to be said... And we care thats why we say the hard stuff even though we know you're not going to like it xx.... So when you're ready and have had a little breather re-think it ok, that stuff doesn't just disappear... It sits inside and just gets covered up and suddenly pops up because it never really went even though we tried to make it go away... to feel normal.... Please xx
Ps Kite does know quite alot and is very wise person... She's older then me😜
Look after yourself Payton.. You're strong and amazing and have loved watching how you have progressed since we first met you and we're very proud of you ok xx
Now this old bird needs to make some curry and stew for supper to feed my troops this side of the world. ❤❤
@Avaray @agreeablekite4304
Hey you guys, I have to tell you that we desided to Date... We really like eachother and when we hold hands they fit really good together... Shhh, dont tell anybody
@Avaray @agreeablekite4304
I ran away tonight... I know you both aint going to be happy with me, and Im sorry for that... I ran away at bed time and Now Its 2:06 am and Im still gone.. Im not going back.. I cant do this anymore.. As much as I try I just cant... I am better off alone and I really dont care anymore... Dont worry about me! I can take care of myself... Night
Hellllllllooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool kite and payton... Why do you guys keep ignoring me? Don't i matter anymore.... Love u both anyway.... ❤❤
@Avaray
i could never ignore you! i miss you... @agreeablekite4304 is mad at me!
@Paytonfaye2003....mad kite = worried, very worried kite... and yes no matter what she has said in the scare of the moment she cares for you very much and was scared for you.... That puts abit of "passion" in her want to help you xxx I have been talking to you but haven't really had a reply back since you hurt your arm.... So I check in and give u Your space.. You must have seen my posts x
I presumed you where busy with life that side.... Give kite a break please Payts, shes a real softy under there and a loyal friend and wants to make things better for people.... But we all have our spin out moments.... I've had a few lately.. Still trying to live life and get through them still that's why I'm not so vocal all the time, I'm working through stuff, and kite has been helping me through some of it, She has hers and you and all of us have those spin out times and we all handle it differently and brings up the stuff we try to hide and it often doesnt come out wrapped up nicely.. It's the stuff we've been through that triggers us like this and in those times we need to try understand each other just a little better knowing they hurt also. She's sorry Payts... She cares for you...
Should I fish slap her? My bum is abit big to fit through this phone, but I could give it a try... Maybe I should insure my phone first..
As you said it's a bad day today... Tomorrow is a new day... Lets all start afresh.... Realising we aren't always strong, we are going to screw up and hurt each other, we've all been through our own hell and its affected us. We're doing our best....
Can we all say sorry for wherever weve got things wrong and that we care for each other... Starting fresh....kite ? Payts? Ava?
@Avaray
I havent been ignoring you, i didnt know u were writing me... Ive missed you and Now I am grounded. School and then home... No hanging out and having friends over. Today was supposed to be a half day at school and me and some others were going to go to the park. Now i cant go! It sucks
@Paytonfaye2003 ❤ sorry about that xx
@Avaray @agreeablekite4304
Hey Guys, Well just wanted to let you know that I have apt with a New Counsler on Monday... I dont want one... But Molly thinks I need one for right now! I hate talking to new people... But, If she feels like its something I need I am willing to give it a try...I talked to her last night before bed and told her i am really sorry about the way I acted and that I will Try to talk to her more... I told her I am really struggling with all these rules and she said it will take time to adjust to them all... 
I told her Growing up I never had any rules, and I got to do what I wanted because my mother never cared what I did... She was always so busy doing drugs to even think what I needed as a mother... you guys May think that the rules are little things and that I need to grow up, but even the simple rules Is hard for me..I dont mean to run or sneak out, I just do it and i dont think about her feelings until its too late... I am really struggling with alot... My mind isent in the right place and Im trying and sometimes I think I am failing... When I do something stupid I write you guys because you guys always help me to see things different than I do... Even tho you think sometimes I dont listen... I listen to every word... I hate when u guys are upset with me, and molly too... But Im trying and I know I am far from perfict, and I know I do stupid things but I need you guys and I am so greatful to have you guys in my life... You both mean the world to me and Im so happy to have you by my side... My biggest fear is that Im afraid of pissing you both off and you guys leaving me, and never wanting to talk to me anymore... Pls dont go! Even tho you guys are there and Im here, I consider you family... I have a bond with the both of you that could never be broken... Pls dont stop believeing in me because I am going to fight to be a better person and I will make The two of you and molly proud... Just dont give up on me because I really cant do it without you...
As far as the boy at school, I know I am to young... And I will break up with him for now and focus on my schooling a getting better. But I still want to be friends with him because Ive never had someone Im close to since my friend killed herself.. So I dont wanna loose him... Hope you understand!!! I g2g cause Im in school right now and dont wanna get caught being on my phone... But school gets out at 2:30pm and I will reply after I get out... I 
you both... Thanks for being there for me... I know I will have struggles and act out at times, I just need to find another way without doing anything stupid... I might start writing in a journal or something... I want a place where I can put all the good, bad and the ugly into.. But i wanna talk to molly and see if she can buy me one. and she has to promise me she wont read it.. It should only be for my eyes right? Anyways just wanted to let you both know how lucky I am to have you both... Big HUGS
@Paytonfaye2003 hey Payts..were already proud of you... You have come so far from when we first met... We just want you to be safe and happy, not perfect xxx Even though you react in the moment, you have a good kind heart and a sound head on those shoulders.... You know the right and wrong of things, you're going to be ok kiddo ❤ you know how happy you made me today by hearing that you chatted with Molly... Well done Payts... Yesturday was a hectic stressful day for all of us... But we made it through ... And i think something good managed to come out of it all... You got closer to Molly... You are an amazing young lady Payts... Big hugs Payts ❤❤
@Paytonfaye2003 hey Payts me again... I hope the rest of your day went well goes well. My cell is on 4% and then it's going to bomb me out... Then I going to catch some zzzz. Chat some more later xx ❤
@Avaray @agreeablekite4304
its 1 am and i cant sleep... im wide awake and i am going nuts... why cant i sleep?
@Paytonfaye2003 your mind has too much probably going on inside x
@Avaray
i wanna go to the park!
@Paytonfaye2003 Payts.... I'm not going to say don't go ... Because you already know the answer to this one..... You were thinking clearly this afternoon.... Go back and read what you wrote.... Remember the look on Mollys face... And later when you had another special time with her.... Dont break her trust Payts.... Rather wake her, that she would prefer and understand.... You know the right thing and if you put your mind to it you can overcome that urge....believing in you.
@Paytonfaye2003 did u read my post
@Avaray
yes i read it. I cant sleep and i am sitting here and my mind is raising like crazy... i what what i said this morning and i meant every word... but i cant sleep and iM so bored... it would be nice to get some air... WHY CANT I SLEEP???
@Paytonfaye2003 i sent u another one
@Avaray
i didnt get anything yet!
@Paytonfaye2003 look above my last one its up there
@Avaray
i just read it... guess what? I told him that we cant date anymore because molly says i cant, and now hes MAD AT ME and he wont even talk to me now...
@Paytonfaye2003 thats not very nice or understanding, caring of him.... If he's not happy to let things be as friends then im glad you're not going out with him. A relationship is based on friendship first otherwise it has no strength when things get tuff. I know it must hurt though, sorry about your hurt Payts...
@Paytonfaye2003 did u see it about the writing...
@Avaray
yes i seen it... i will start one tomorrow i promise... i have a question, do u think molly will be mad if i lay next to her... i dont wanna be by myself. I might sleep better with her than alone!
@Paytonfaye2003 i think she would feel honoured and make her heart very happy Payts...
@Avaray
what if she will be mad, i really wanna lay next to her.. i hate being alone... should i wake her and ask her... or just get into her bed?
@Paytonfaye2003 go in and call her and say u cant sleep and dont want to be alone and felt like going to the park. Can i please come and sleep by you so i dont feel alone.xxxxxxx
@Avaray
im not going to say anything, i will just crawl in her bed...
@Paytonfaye2003 go for it Payts xx proud of you kiddo xx Thankyou for not running❤❤
@Avaray
Hmm, where did agreeablekite4304 go???
@Paytonfaye2003 not sure... Are u going to go..
@Avaray
yes but i am a little nervous... and i have to get up in 3 1/2 more hours gor school!!! I already have a hard time waking in the morning
@Paytonfaye2003 good... You'll feel better there... Go try get some zzzzs by Molly xx let us know how it went... Sleep tight Payts ❤❤
@Avaray @agreeablekite4304
This afternoon I almost had a heartach, because Molly was invited to her sisters for dinner... I started to pannic because I havent met her family yet cause I felt like I wasent ready for all that.. Anyways I asked her if she could go and I could stay home.. Guess what she said (NO)...I tride to get out of it like crazy, because I hate meeting new people and have really bad Pannic attacks... I always feel like WHAT IF THEY DONT LIKE ME! Anyways so Molly made me go... They werent mean at all, but I felt so weird... The whole time i was there I didnt say anything... I was counting down the mins to get out of there... We just got back home 15 mins ago and God I missed home... That totally wasent my comfort zone... They tride asking me simple questions and I froze everytime, I just couldnt talk... I kept asking her if i could stay home, but she wanted me there so to make her happy I went! Soon as we pulled in her driveway, Im like MOLLY WAIT. IDK i started crying.. I needed a min to get myself together... WHATS WRONG WITH ME!
@Paytonfaye2003 hey xx you did good... And do you realise how things have changed.... You said you want to go home.... A few weeks ago you were sick with worry, almost with a similar thing...moving in with Molly...now it's home...a place of feeling safe.. As you start seeing and believing what Molly sees in you and your worth times like that wont feel as bad, crying is a release of pressure from all sorts of emotions that you have got going on inside, nothing to be ashamed of probably a healthy response...there is only so much you can keep bottled up inside xx
Her family understood... Molly probably told them before hand how nervous you were.. Nothing is wrong with you... If it was me and younger I probably would have even missed my mouth with the fork because I would be so nervous and knowing my luck something would have launched itself off my plate while I was cutting it and landed in the middle of the table..... Molly loves you and so will they... I think Molly realised what a sacrifice it was for you to have gone with her, and that must have made her feel loved and respected. Give it time Payts....so much new things so soon, major stress.... You are doing well even though you don't see it, did u get your journal yet... Have you started writing?
It's ok Payts, cry all you need kiddo, there's alot of stuff inside that needs to come out, I'm so glad you said you want to go home... And not I want to go to the park... That's huge Payts....proud of you. Big hugs...
@Avaray
i didnt do good tho...I really didnt... i dont wanna go back, and i dont wanna meet anybody new anymore... bad enough I have an apt to meet my new counsler monday... I try to be happy with molly, and I really like her too. But i think im serverly depressed and emotional... i dont want or need a counsler... I DONT WANT ONE.. how am i suposed to forget all the bad things thats happened, if they keep making me talk about the shit i really dont wanna talk about!... and yes i got a journal today after school.. i wrote a page in it. Molly is fine going to spend time with her family but why do i have to go... i just wanna stay home and she can go... but she wont let me... you say theres nothing wrong with me, but i feel different..Theres alot wrong with me... whats so good about me... theres nothing good about me at all... idk... its almost 3:30am and still wide awake... ive been having a hard time sleeping... I just wanna be better! why am I so sad?
I am greatful to have molly... But I cant picture someone actually loving me! When I was home with my mom, she was on drugs and never cared for me. Let me be outside all night and didnt care... Let her boyfirend molest me over and over and I would cry for her to help me, but shed never come.. She was to busy doing what she loved most... I remember when i was with my mom, how much I wanted to Die and how I wish I would have a mom who really loved me... But NOw that I have whats Ive always wanted ( A love of a mom).. Im not sure I want it or deserve it...
Is it wrong of me to feel like I wish I was back Home again.. Thats were I belong, Molly deserves so much More than I can prolly give her... IDK... I am always emotional and My mind is always all over the place.. Maybe I dont know what is best for me!
@Paytonfaye2003 my dear Payts.... I think you fill a space in Mollys heart that she knew once she got to know you that she realised that you where the one to fill that missing piece and at the same time she knew she could give you the love and care that you need....deserve. And wanted you... Being a councilor she probably understand better then the average person what you are going through. If u had of grown up in another home you would feel much different about yourself.... It's not you Payts you've been living a high stress survival mode for so long, those memories are a really bad word.... I don't think it's about forgetting...i don't think people can forget stuff like that.. Its about helping you deal with the emotions and hurt and grief and depression thats come from those terrible things..helping you realise that you deserve to be loved you are valuable and not the other things that were spoken over you, done to you. You are who Molly needs in her life, Molly is who you need in your life.
Im sorry Payton that your mom didn't protect you, look after you, and I'm sorry about what that .......... (Sorry i haven't got a good word for him) did to you, I wish i could do him some bodily harm for hurting our Payts...
Payts give it time.... You are dealing with the things they did to you, but that's not who you are, not what you deserved, you deserve to be loved, held, appreciated, looked after, kept safe..... Yes you do..... Yes you do. You are valuable Payts.... I wish I could get this big but of mine through this phone and sit and hold you while you sob your heart out .... But Molly is there to do that. She wants you payts... What you don't deserve is what happened to you.... This is what you deserve... You will start to relax abit as time goes past and a new security will start to come and with that a realising how valuable you are.... Depression not a good thing...it doesn't just lift... I know... I'm in therapy also xx
One day at a time Payts. Xx..
@Avaray
its 4am and i cant sleep at all... my mind is rasing.. i need air so bad... i wont leave the house but i am thinking of going on the porch to get air... i need air!hugs
@Paytonfaye2003 ❤❤I get the needing air to breathe.....as long as you don't feel like Molly will mind....but not further then the porch please payts and make sure its safe ok... Xx Take your journal with and talk to it with writing down your feelings, you're special Payts.... Proud of you.... Write down new words for you.... Hugs Paytsx
Payts....Kite has written some good advice ... We care about you kiddo... Speak to Molly firstly for you and secondly so we know you have the help you need.... Let us know how things go.....
@Avaray @agreeablekite4304
Gm, its 9:30am got 3hrs sleep
@Paytonfaye2003 glad u are safe Payts xx
Feeling abit better....
@Avaray @agreeablekite4304
I cant sleep.......I feel so out of it today.. I feel Blah! But I cant Tell molly how I am feeling. you both dont understand... All these thoughts about suicide are real. Ive acted on them before. Ive been Hospitalized gor cutting myself and overdosing too.. Not here but when I was at the place I was before... If I tell her the Way I am feeling then She will send me away.. And it will only make things worse! So its best I dont tell her... I cant let her Know!... And I didnt wanna tell you both, But I cut myself early this morning when I was on the Porch! I needed to do it to take away what I was feeling.. But it didnt work... I am going to tell Molly I aint going Monday.. I dont want too, and I shouldnt have to... Why do I always, have to meet people... I just want to be left alone(not meaning you two).. you DOnt understand...
@Paytonfaye2003 Payts....why would Molly send you away.... She must already know those things from your file... Payts you r going to get mad with me, but I can handle that because I care enough.... You need help you cannot do this on your own... You need to sit down with Molly and talk and tell her these things... She won't send you away..she'll get you help and be there along side of you.... But you do need to tell her.... Please Payts you do ❤
@Paytonfaye2003 ❤❤
@Paytonfaye2003 hey kiddo....
@Avaray
what?
@Paytonfaye2003 checking on you...did u read what i wrote earlier xx
@Paytonfaye2003 worried about you my friend
@Paytonfaye2003 night Payts xx im signing out now its almost 23:20 here, kite should be awake in a few hours if you need to talk xx take care Payts... Chat later... Please talk to Molly... Hugs my little friend.. ❤
@Avaray
Dont worry
@Paytonfaye2003 can't help it Payts ... You're part of our circle here and kite and i really care about you and what happens to you.... Love and hugs Payts.... Chat later ❤
@Avaray
im never going to get better! i am freaking broken, Cranky and miserable... Its always something with me..i do think u and @agreeablekite4304 should just let me gooooooooo! Im loosing it.. i really am..My body is so freaking worn out! I like molly, alot. but its me with all the bulshit.. im almost at rock bottom.. I just wanna give up! I really do...
@Paytonfaye2003 your body cant handle things as well when you can't sleep... When you're tired the things that you normally could cope with seem just impossible...
@Paytonfaye2003 if u feel u are too scared to talk to Molly is there someone you could tell and they could tell her so it comes out right and she understands your fears
@Avaray
i will talk to her when she wakes up! ok.. its almost 3:30am... Im going to try and lay down and hope to fall asleep.. I am sick feel like i am running a fever and i just Puked. not sure anything came up cause I havent eaten much in almost 3 days... I have gotten maybe 3 hrs sleep in almost 3 days... Im having a hard time Ava, not really sure whats going on with me at all... These feelings are getting bad and my suicdal thoughts have already been acted on.. I Cut myself yesterday morning.. and I put trolit paper on it to stop the bleeding... And its stuck to the cut.. The cut is on my belly, so i can hid it.. I havent been this depressed since the first week of moving here.. but its a diff kind of depressed... Is it wrong that i miss my real mom, even tho she was a bad mom and didnt like me...
I really like being here with molly, i really do and shes been nothing but good to me, and shes so loving to me... I feel so guilty and I feel hmm ( NEVERMIND)... But i am going to try to lay down.. i will talk to you once I talk to her okay... I am really sceard.. Do u guys think Im a bad kid, and that molly made a Big MISTAKE in taking me in? DO U THINK I will be good enough for her? Its so hard you guys have no Idea My emotions are all over the Place!!!
@Paytonfaye2003 nit a chance Payts you're not a bad kid... You're a hurting kid...a scared kid... A kid with an amazing heart.... I've never thought of you as a bad kid..
And Molly, Payts she loves and cares for you... It's hard when you're used to the opposite negative stuff... But this is possible, we've already grown fond of you and we have only known you for a short time... Shes known you much longer, she knows what she wants and she wants you. Try to sleep and eat Payts physically your body can't function without that, and that makes the thoughts much worse... Thankyou for talking with Molly.... Xxx
@Avaray @agreeablekite4304
I woke up feeling a little better, most sleep ive had in 3 days.. I am going outside cause Molly is doing Yard work and Im going to help her! I promise I will talk to her okay.. But do I have to tell her everything including me cutting myself.. Love you both
@Paytonfaye2003 yes payts xx might as well get it all out xx
@Avaray @agreeablekite4304
Thanks for all the hugs.. it was nice to wake up to all them! But i will tell her everything.. But I dont want to tell her about the cutting part... I wont do it again! I g2g will talk later! Love you Both so much~!
@Paytonfaye2003 u too kiddo
@Avaray
Hey Ava, I talked to her! It went okay... She says everything will be okay..We will get through it together, But she said she wont tolerate me cutting my self.. when she seen my belly she cried. I told her I am struggling with sleeping and she said she will lay next to me until I fall asleep, and get used to sleeping in my room.. She said she dont mind me sleeping next to her sometimes, but not everynight.. She said thats a time where she has her time and I should have my time.. I talked to her because I meet with my new counsler tomorrow, and I dont wanna go to that! I dont wanna go there... I asked her if she can go in with me and she said tomorrow yes, but thats a time to get out everything.. she said she still wants me to talk to her.. She said that the suicidal thoughts aint good and shes very worried about that, because Ive acted on it several times before... one time not that long ago, I overdosed and cut myself that i had to be put in an induced coma, so they can do testing... So we have to figure out what to do there.. she said she might have to start doing nightly body checks to make sure Im not hurting myself... Idk, I feel a little better talking to her.. still depressed tho.. Oh and she said she is taking my Phone too I guess. Because Im on it 24/7, and that aint good! thats one RULE that will be very hard... Ive had my phone since I left my home... And its mine... I told her about 7 cups and she said that its sounds nice and I can continue talking on her but I will have set times on the computer.. Hmm
@Paytonfaye2003 Im so so happy my dear Payts... I have been so worried about you. And am so glad you have spoken with Molly... You are so brave... Payts. You are one amazing young lady. Molly sounds like a very caring, understanding and clever lady. I like her and Im glad she has you in her life because you are good for her and she is good for you. When you have times on the computer you can leave messages and then we can chat on and off there.
My heart is so happy Payts .... Thankyou ❤
@Avaray
Im still sad tho but i feel like a weight has been lifted of me... i love you and @agreeablekite4304... Cant wait to be complete better!
@Paytonfaye2003 love u to kiddo. This is your time to get better, and you will have your ups and really downs it's part of getting better... But you have the best person a person can have to be there with you on your journey xx and you have a strength inside you. I could hug Molly right about now xx and you xx
I have been praying for you ❤
@Avaray
Thanks hun!
@Paytonfaye2003 ❤❤
