hi this is my story (tw!!)

hi im sof im 14 years old. i distinctly remeber one day in march 2018 where i lie on my bed and just thought "why does every thing feel hopeless?" i considered myself a pretty happy person back then so i didn't think much of it. a few weeks passed and this feeling started to slowly creep in on me, again i didn't really think much of it. this was until one day i saw a thumbtack on my dresser and thought about harming myself. i immediately jumped at the thought of that and texted my big sister (not biological siblings we just consider ourself sisters) and told her because i was scared. i promised her id never hurt myself. this only lasted 5 days before i cut for the very first time. and then again the next day. i was forced to tell my parents about it which led me to stopping self harming but the feelings were so so so much stronger. i felt constantly sad, defeated, i could barely eat, i felt worthless and hopeless, there was a never leaving weight in my chest and i genuinely wanted to die. fast forward to today, i still feel sad a lot of the time and worthless, i feel extremely hated and unloved. i can get so bad that eating and sleeping are nearly impossible. the weight in my chest is still there and has never left. i can safely say that im in a much better place than spring/summer 2018, but i am still not the best. it's been almost 2 years and these feelings still persist but it's okay, sometimes im a lot better for a while, sometimes im right back where i was that summer but no matter what even if im having a good few weeks or month even, it's always still there and will always go back to at least a certain baseline level. im currently going thru a hardish time right now but ill be okay, it'll pass eventually it always does. im coming up 1 year clean from sh in january this year so hopefully i can make it. if you read all of this, thank you so much and i hope you're doing well you deserve all the love and happiness this world has to offer xx