2020, Turned 30, and all hell has broken loose

This year has been the worst hasnt it? I assume most would agree with me. I have been diagnoised with such severe depression and anxiety, that meds are no longer working and the next resort may be shock therapy. Considering I have had suicidal thoughts since I was in elementary school, I'll take it. I currently mentally broke and found this site and need to vent.

2020 was supposed to be THE year for me. I was going to Japan in May (I have been studying the language for years but never gone), I got a new job, started back into crossfit, I lost my virginity on 4/20, I turned 30 8/8, and I started dating someone after 8 years of being single (pining for someone who mentally abused me and lead me on, for him to marry someone else). And then COVID happened.

My Japan trip was cancelled, obviously. And real "dates" were out of the question with quarantine. Fast forward and my relationship got rocky. We were open from the start about out mental illnesses (he was also physically abused and given drugs at a young age), but I had to learn one night that alcohol also has a play. Being told by your boyfriend to "go kill yourself" isn't exactly what I wanted in a relationship. Nor to be put down sexually because you haven't been sexually active because it never "felt right" to me. So it seemed like every day not only was my depression affecting me, but the way my boyfriend was putting me down, was dragging me under. I constantly was bringing myself up. So then my birthday happened and literally no one showed up. It was supposed to be epic. But instead, my grandmother died the same day.....so on top of all this I brought up things that were bothering me in the relationship - we finally talked.... and I walked. He got scared and said he wants to change to make things better.

I confided in my friends about all of this as these things that were happening, just like I have done for them countless times. However, now, they no longer support my relationship and I am torn between friends and potential life partner. I do not know IF he is the one yet, he has alot to prove (at age 25, still in school, physical health, etc). But he says I am the one he will marry (BS or a ploy, maybe?). So my friend's birthday party is this upcoming weekend. I noticed my boyfriend's name was not on the list so I asked since everyone else's significant other was to be there. And my reply was that they do not agree with how he has hurt me and therefore he isn't invited. I personally don't want to go on the principle that dating him is MY decision and he has never been rude to them. Understanding it's her party, she has the right not to invite him, but that puts into play that they don't want him around at all. My mother who knows my friends, also reached out and was given a rude curt reply,which actually hurt me worse.

So now I am stuck considering what to do in this situation. Friends come first, right? But what if there were already underlying issues and this just exasturbated it - like a pimple that finally popped. Multiple years of being left out, not appreciated, no moral support. I feel like the ties are severed now. And it makes me sad.

Only a few weeks in and 1 mental breakdown and I am finding that maybe 30 is supposed to be the defining moment for me, a time to walk away from everything that hurts me to find something that doesn't? I am still considering moving to a state that helps with suicide, as I no longer wish to live this life - despite my accomplishments and privelages (something that is hard to explain and I know for people to understand). I literally feel at a loss and am unsure if I should be in a mental hospital or just push through as normal. Yet nothing now will ever be the same.