Bed ridden depressive state

Hi everyone. It's been almost 2 years since i've been on here. Where'd the open group chat go? That helped a lot.

First, to anyone reading these words: thank you. You don't have to, but you chose to because you care and have a passionate soul.

This is where i'm at. My ex broke up with me 4 months ago in July. We have been on no contact since August 30th. I've tried multiple formulas (healthy and unhealthy) to get me moving forward. Some worked, some didn't. I travel for a living too so that plays a negative roll on my mental health (learning to find the positives in it, don't worry).

During this 4 month period, I've gone in stints of being okay, and definitely not being okay. Currently definitely not okay. About 2 months out of it (spread out over time) i partied hard with alcohol and xanax. It was a great quick release from it all. I'd go in these phases, and then when I would go sober again, knowing it's not doing me any good with the healing process, I would feel like i'm hitting a brick wall and going through the breakup all over again. Facing the feelings head on. And that's where i'm at now.

I just finished a tour in Australia. My sleep schedule is very off, along with the depression playing a roll in it (i find myself sleeping till the very last minute until I have to get up). I broke down on the plane ride back, crying under my blanket. All these triggers are showing up again, from childhood trauma, to trauma from my previous ex, to trauma with my current ex. I'm sober as can be, 5 days now. And I just feel all the negative things one could possibly feel about life / breakups / self worth, etc. My energy is off, my subconscious needs rewiring, seratonin/dopamine levels extremely low, endorphins are non existent. I feed off of the stress chemicals, making up scenarios, and now I found out my ex and previous ex are talking on social media ( yeah i checked her page. 1st time in 3 weeks. bad idea, i know. just curious). So out of my depressive state, I sent an email asking if she has the emotional availability and time to speak with me. Of course i didn't get a response, and i'm not expecting one. What do i have to lose? It's been 3 months of solid no contact. Figured why not try. Nothing makes sense to me. I'm excited for the future though when most of it will make sense.

As far as sobriety goes, don't worry. I know i have self control in that department. I've done it plenty of times. I guess i just let myself go since the breakup and now with the no contact, on top of her leaving me via text (...) without much explanation at all, I feel like it's almost like a death at this point, and my ego is telling me that it is all my fault, that i really did so much harm that I pushed her away permanently. I know this isn't the case, but man oh man is the mind a crazy place sometimes. I'm not looking for sympathy, but i am looking for someone who may have been in a similar situation? I've been through some crazy stuff in my 20's, and now i'm 29 and hope this is it. I want to clear all negative energy and start fresh by next september when I turn 30. I'm currently on a sober path, going to start running again, experimenting with herbal medicine, about to start taking 5HTP and L-Tyrosine, Journaling, God/scripture, meditation/hypnosis, learning to love myself more and rewire my subconscious mind. This is also a very heavy triggersome season for me. Did I mention we went through an abortion that failed/turned into a miscarriage essentially? All at christmas time. Heavy. Triggered. I miss her so much. I miss my life.

I know not much detail is given. Don't want to get into it too much with an opening thread. Just a little backstory in a nutshell.

Thanks for reading.