Being Sick
Having to deal with depression for 2 decades and counting, there were many times where I wished I was sick. Not just with depression, but something more life threatening. Some rare case of cancer or disease that has no cure. I've had lots of nightmares in the past where I was in life threatening situations. Whether that be getting into a major car accident or getting rare diseases, all those nightmares, I really wished they'd come true. It's hard to live a depressed life when family members don't quite understand me. They all think that I'm depressed because I hold onto the past and not letting go of all the unfortunate things that happened to me. I guess it's partially true, but when I've lived the majority of my life in depression-mode, letting go and forgetting the past, it feels like they are asking me to forget about my life. Although being depressed isn't pleasant at all, but because I've been in this state for so long, it seems like that this is my life. So, when they tell me to just let go and forget, it's like they are asking to me toss my life out the window.
Sure, there were times where I dreamt about living depression-free. I'd be working at a career I enjoy, and meeting my significant other and get married.
I actually do have a goal in my life right now. I'm trying to make myself believe that it will all turn out okay. At the beginning of this summer, my sister-in-law introduced me to one of her friends that also works in the medical field. This friend took a program and is now working at a hospital, sterilizing surgical equipment. It seemed that that friend and I have lots in common. We both didn't get good grades back in highschool, we both don't really like working with a large group of people, don't like talking much to strangers. So, over the summer, I've decided to go for this program. I'm now on the waitlist for the February semester next year. I passed both the preliminary and secondary requirements, and I'm just waiting the program assistant to email me about opening the seats for that semester. I'm suppose to hear from her sometime next month. Which is soon. I desperately want a change in career, something where I can actually earn living. My main goal is to earn enough, to send my parents to cruises. Whether that be paying for them, or giving them enough for the expenses. I also want to give my parents more allowance than I'm already giving them now each month. Then, I want to save enough to be able to vacation in Seoul, South Korea for a month at a time.
This is my goal, but I'm scared. I'm not sure if I can do well in school, in this program. My experiences in school haven't been all that well, although I've recently taken 2 course in the past year or so, and I seem to be doing okay. I passed Math with a decent grade, somewhere in the 80s, it was surprise/shock to myself and my family. My worst subject in Grade School, and I took the course at a college, and I got that. I kind of proved to myself that I've changed over these years, school-wise, but that was just one subject. This program, although the first part is on theory and the second part is all hands-on, in hospitals with a mentor we learn from. The stress I feel from school still won't disappear. I'm afraid of how it will affect me, because this entire program will cost me up to $10,000, I really don't have the money and time to waste and do badly. It's like a one-shot take.
Although I have that goal in my life, I can't help but to think about being sick. With depression and the hope of something more serious. I don't really want to give up, but I get influenced easily too. Unexpected situations, changes, things people say to me, they all affect me in all sorts of ways. Even if I don't show it, it had probably already wounded me.
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Does anyone ever have these thoughts? Wanting something bad to happen to you? Or am I just the only one?~
@Jaeteuk
I hear what you are going through. Many people don't understand what depression is and what it feels like, so I think what you are saying about wishing it was something more apparent and "serious" in terms of what people think is pretty common. We all want to be understood but that doesn't always come easy. I'm glad to hear that you have a plan for the future. It sounds like something you are excited about. It can be very difficult not to let doubt set in. If you would like to talk more about what you are going through, I'm sure there are many people who would like to hear it and help you get things off your chest. Or if you would rather talk 1 on 1, there is that option as well. You can always reach out to myself or another listener if you need to talk or you can continue to talk in this thread, whichever you are more comfortable doing. I hope your classes go well. Never hesitate to reach out when you need to talk.
@gentleTree25
I just know that it would be nice to have immediate family members to understand me more. Sadly, I don't have any close friends which I can have heart-to-heart chats with either. I have such a lonely lifestyle. I used to have a best friend that I've known for 16 years, but even so, I couldn't talk to her about my depression. She's not much of a talker either. I've ended our best friend status about 3 years ago. I was getting tired of a one-way friendship. I was initiating every single chat, every single time we meet up. When I suggested it break off the best friend status, she had no opinion, it was like she really didn't care about our friendship. She's now happily married to the guy she met in high school for about 2 years now, and we don't message each other at all. Maybe just to wish each other happy birthdays, but that's about it. I saw her a couple of times while I was at work.
I am kind of excited about the thought of a change in career. I'm getting tired of working in the retail industry. I'm just glad that this work I'm doing now, has saved me enough for school. I really can't wait to get out of there.
I just don't know if I can handle the pressure to do well in the program. I really don't have to money and time to waste. I have to make it in one shot, but that is what also scares me too. Not sure if I can handle that kind of stress well.
The part about being really sick, I think I was subconsciously wanting my life to end, so that I didn't have to deal with the depression anymore~
@Jaeteuk
I'm sorry to hear about what happened with your friend. That sounds tough. I hope things get better for you in that regard.
I'm glad that you're so excited about your new opportunity you have coming up. I can understand wanting a career change. Sometimes the career we are in just isn't the career we want to stay in. I can also understand being nervous about all of this. It's a big change and that is completely natural. If you're interested, we have several self help guides here on the website that might help you cope with things. For example, we have one on college life and one on test anxiety. Just look around and there are several resources available all over the website. ☺️
I hope things go great for you with your upcoming transition and I wish you all the best. Feel free to keep this conversation going if you want to talk further or if you need to vent about your thoughts. I would like to hear anything you have to say about it.
Thank you, @gentleTree25
I'm counting down to the days until October rolls around the corner. The Program Advisor would be emailing all the students on the waitlist to offer seats to register for the program to start in the February semester. She just mentioned that she will start offerring the seats in October, so I'm hoping it's early October.
Things doesn't seem to be going well at work recently. I get told I'm working to slow too often nowadays. It really brings my mood down for the day. They never say anything when I was working quickly. No one even noticed. But the Managers all seem to see the negative side, all the things we aren't doing well, things that aren't meeting up to their standards. I've been really thinking about leaving the company sooner than I planned. I've also been decreasing the times I eat out for lunch after work for the past couple weeks. I used to go every day after work, that's 5 times a week, and average of about $65/week. I'm going down to once a week that I eat out. Otherwise, I'd head straight home and cook something instead.
Only one good thing happened today though, during our morning meeting, out of about 6 associates, I was mentioned about great customer service. I guess customers really do point us out regarding their shopping experiences. Of course, only the positive comments were shared. I do try to help as much as I can. Especially when I see customers looking confused while staring at the products in front of them.
I'll check out the self-help guides, when the time comes~
@Jaeteuk
That's great that you are expecting a message about registering for classes so soon. That does sound exciting. I hope everything goes awesome for you and you love your classes.
I'm sorry to hear about how it's going at work. Sometimes when we are down, we move and act a bit slower and it can lead to a cycle that brings us down even further. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through that. It can certainly seem like people only point out the things that we do wrong, and not the things that we do right. I can understand how that would get you down even further. Do you have things you can do to try to build yourself back up after experiences like that?
It's awesome that you were recognized for your great customer service. Sometimes it is nice to get a little recognition for our hard work. Hopefully you will have many more small victories like that. They can make the hard times a little easier.
If you would like to talk more, you know where to find me. Keep this conversation going as long as you would like.
@Jaeteuk I understand, Jaeteuk. I can relate at some point. I can't admit to you guys that there were times I was wishing I have depression, how I wish I was diagnosed with any of the mental illness. I feel like if ever that I'm diagnosed with one, my struggles and the horrible emotions that I've been feeling will make them validated because I tend to disregard what I feel and think that other people have it worse...that I don't have the right to feel this way because I'm known for being an optimistic and jolly person. But that doesn't mean I'm adding myself to the stigma. Meanwhile, it's good to know that you still have goals in life. These things will surely make you go forward and will help you to step out of your comfort zone. Yes, it's hard. There are a lot of hindrances and fears but that's part of living. We wouldn't reach success if we'd stop midway reaching for our goals. If this is your only opportunity then give your best shot but that doesn't mean you have to push yourself to your limit. All the best on the path you're taking, Jaeteuk! And yay, for South Korea I love kpop XD hehe :P I'll leave this quote to you and to anyone who'll pass by this thread:
"Friendly reminder that 'doing your best' does not mean pushing yourself to the limits of endurance, but only doing the best you can without hurting yourself.
Further, even friendlier reminder that its completely fine if that means you dont do as much as someone else.
Theyre not you, and your contribution is just as valid as theirs." -kipplekipple
@Erato, you found it and thanks for leaving your thoughts~
Kpop and Kdramas all my favorite! 95% of my play list is Kpop!
I'm just not sure if I have what it takes to do this program well and succeed~
@Jaeteuk Determination and motivation will help you to succeed no matter what it takes, Jaeteuk. Omg yeah, I used to binge watch kdramas and kinda fangirling to kpop groups 😜
