Bipolar and in a depressive episode

Hi guys

I have Bipolar Disorder and was diagnosed 20 years ago. In the last 3 years the illness has ramped up considerably.

Last year August until this january I had a good period of stability and thought the worst was finally over but in February all the symptoms started gradually coming back. By April I was in a hypomanic episode for about 3 weeks, then went into a mixed episode which led me to a full blown manic episode about 2 weeks ago. It caused a lot of damage. I did things that were totally uncharacteristic for me and I've felt guilty and ashamed ever since. Following that I crashed and have become severely depressed. I live alone, my daughters are grown and have moved on to start their own lives. I've lost most of my friends due to my behavior when in an episode. I don't involve anyone now for fear of losing all I have left.

I try and deal with this on my own but find it so very lonely. it's absolutely paralyzing. I've had 9 suicide attempts and 10 hospitalizations over the years and I get so afraid of going back there again. I've traumatized my kids with all the attempts and now realize that all I'm doing is transferring my pain to them. I regret that very much so I fight the suicidal ideation the best I can. Not that it's right but I have learned to cope with them by keeping myself sedated a lot of the time, my doctor is aware and doesn't seem to mind. It keeps me safe.

I'm new here and I'm hoping that these forums will help me get through.

Thanks for listening.