Dealing
I caught my fiance of 5 years cheating with my neighbor. She was my best friend. Losing her ripped me in half. I ended up getting drunk, which I know wasn't the smartest thing to do, and worse drove my car into a tree. I'm not suicidal. Never even had a thought about it before. Just lost sight of who I was. I ended up moving out, lost my job and moved back home to my parents. Even though they are here for me it just made me feel like a burden. I lose myself thinking about it all. Can't concentrate on hardly anything. Hardly eat. Today my dad caught me with a can of dust cleaner. Thankfully before I did anything with it. I've never done anything like that before. Just don't know how to deal with myself. How to stop my brain or cope with how things are now. I keep battling myself and trying not to substitute how I feel or fill it in with drinking or turning to anything else. I've never been one for those things...I just don't want to feel like this anymore. I keep trying to rebuild myself, stay positive, move myself forward and when I have a thought I feel like a heavy wave comes over me, pulling me down and I can't get out from under it... Idk if this is how these things work. But I wanted to say something, vent if anything. I know others are going through these types of things, some probably even more so. Which is another reason I felt I had no room to talk or let myself open. Why should I complain when someone else is going through something worse... Idk
I hope you find the peace that you're looking for. It may take a while, but I think you have the right mindset to move on in the right direction. Drugs and alcohol are definitely not going to be your friends in this situation. Avoid them as much as you can. I hope you have more family and friends to reach out to for support. Even if you have to tell the same story over and over, at least you'll find that there are people in your life that do care about you and want to see you bounce back.
If you haven't experienced depression before, then I think your pretty much on point with how the day-to-day feeling goes. "I keep trying to rebuild myself, stay positive, move myself forward and when I have a thought, I feel a heavy wave pulling me down and I can't get out from under it." Another part of depression is also the idea: "Well other people have it worse than me, so I shouldn't complain or open up about it."
They say comparison is the thief of joy, but it can also steal away any validation for how you feel. You may feel like, "Well there are guys out there who actually were married with children and their spouses cheated on them. They have much more pain to endure than me, so I shouldn't be complaining." Right there, you are invalidating your feelings of grief and sadness.
Imagine using that line of logic in reverse. "There are people who have lived through way better experiences than me, therefore I shouldn't ever celebrate/feel happy." Why celebrate graduating high-school, when someone else just graduated college? Why be happy you just bought your first car, when other people already own 3? It doesn't make sense to compare other people's struggles and achievements to yours because they're not you. They haven't lived life in your shoes and vice versa.
What you feel is valid, even if other people say things like, "Well it could have been worse." Hopefully they mean well if they do say that. You should still take the chance and open up to those you trust. I hope that will heal you enough to the point where you won't feel the need to turn to drugs for escapism.
Best wishes, Cain
