Dealing with a loss of interest and hope in college

Hi! Thanks for clicking on my thread. So here's my tea.

I'm a freshman in college. I worked SUPER hard to get here, into an honors program as an English major. Wow. ok, whatever-- I used to feel really passionate about what I wanted to do; I felt like all of the work I was putting into my studies had meaning. Lately, it has all lost its meaning to me. I feel like I'm going full steam ahead into nothing. There's a song by Kimya Dawson that goes, "driving driving into our graves, graves, graves"--I think about that line frequently. It seems like I'm doing all of this work just to get some validation that I can do the same thing after graduation. My life feels like a rigid train track. I get angry very easily--my roommate sniffles and I want to bash my head against the wall. Because of this animal-like sensitivity, I sleep very little.

Again, it all feels like it's leading to nothing, that my whole life will be trivial bullshit for people who don't care, who hate their lives as much as I do. I feel like there's no way to get off this one-way track because there's no way around the due dates, I have to write this paper, I have to take that test, I have to show up for work. I feel like there's nothing I can do short of dropping out of college, and that's like the ultimate sin for someone who's always been a MoDeL StUdEntt.

It's hard for me to describe how low this percieved situation makes me feel. I feel bad saying it online, like it's some kind of worring taboo, but I can't go a night without considering suicide (wow, what tea lol). It's just like all my emotions bottle neck into my throat and the only thing that calms me down is the comfort that I won't have to deal with any of it. Make sense?

Well obviously I have some control over that because I'm making a post about it at 2:00am, so it should not be too worrying.

Anyway, that's the spill, I appreciate any reactions, comments, advice, and have a good day.