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noahnoahs
125 M Embraced 1
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts10 Forum posts5 Forum upvotes6 Current upvotes6 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2022 Member sinceJune 1, 2015
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Dealing with a loss of interest and hope in college
Depression Support / by noahnoahs
Last post
 February 7th, 2019
...See more Hi! Thanks for clicking on my thread. So here's my tea. I'm a freshman in college. I worked SUPER hard to get here, into an honors program as an English major. Wow. ok, whatever-- I used to feel really passionate about what I wanted to do; I felt like all of the work I was putting into my studies had meaning. Lately, it has all lost its meaning to me. I feel like I'm going full steam ahead into nothing. There's a song by Kimya Dawson that goes, "driving driving into our graves, graves, graves"--I think about that line frequently. It seems like I'm doing all of this work just to get some validation that I can do the same thing after graduation. My life feels like a rigid train track. I get angry very easily--my roommate sniffles and I want to bash my head against the wall. Because of this animal-like sensitivity, I sleep very little. Again, it all feels like it's leading to nothing, that my whole life will be trivial bullshit for people who don't care, who hate their lives as much as I do. I feel like there's no way to get off this one-way track because there's no way around the due dates, I have to write this paper, I have to take that test, I have to show up for work. I feel like there's nothing I can do short of dropping out of college, and that's like the ultimate sin for someone who's always been a MoDeL StUdEntt. It's hard for me to describe how low this percieved situation makes me feel. I feel bad saying it online, like it's some kind of worring taboo, but I can't go a night without considering suicide (wow, what tea lol). It's just like all my emotions bottle neck into my throat and the only thing that calms me down is the comfort that I won't have to deal with any of it. Make sense? Well obviously I have some control over that because I'm making a post about it at 2:00am, so it should not be too worrying. Anyway, that's the spill, I appreciate any reactions, comments, advice, and have a good day.
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I can't stand my body even though i'm an athlete; i can't eat without anxiety attacks
Eating Disorder Support / by noahnoahs
Last post
 February 21st, 2016
...See more Hi, I don't believe I have an eating disorder, but my relationship with food is giving me all-day, every day anxiety attacks. I've ran distance events for two years now and i've lost a good amount of weight. I've never looked good until now. And the thing is: i know i look fine, i can see slightly defined muscles, but i loathe my body, i feel disgusted when i look at myself. and i scrutinize myself shirtless ten times a day. I may be binge eating. I think the running leaves me hungry, but i eat constantly, and when i am eating, i absolutely want to rip the food back up; but i won't, because i'm hungry. i'm confused on whether i'm comforting general sadness and anxiety with food or if i'm hungry from running. I had cake for my little brother's birthday and i had a panic attack over it. I don't make myself vomit, but i could cry over having eaten a piece of cake. My personality has changed too. I point out, in my head, faults i fear in myself in others. I always judge overweight people, even my friends. I do the same thing with people who can't run as fast as me. I make myself feel superior because i'm insecure. So i would like to know what i can try to control my diet in a healthy way, and i don't want to love my body, i just don't want to have anxiety attacks over food. (and i eat healthy food, too! i still freak out over it)
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Losing the Joy in Writing/Art While Hidind from Everything in my bed, etc etc...
Depression Support / by noahnoahs
Last post
 June 10th, 2015
...See more Hi, i feel really silly for posting, so if you're skimming for more serious stuff, you should glance over this. Well, for the past.. i don't know, month or two I've been thinking pretty heavily about suicide, conjuring up plans--which i'm sure everyone does. I'm spending more and more time in bed, crying to songs by people i admire, pitying myself, hating myself. I was assigned a heavy but pretty simple art project this summer and every time i look at it i want to vomit. That's when i crawl into bed. (I love Kimya Dawson, if there are any fans reading). Since i can hardly handle this summer crap, i'm terrified of my sophomore year, which is loaded with honors courses. If i can't handle the stuff i have now, how can i manage to survive all of that? I'm always worried, and i'm pretty sure i'm going to play out 'It's Kind of a Funny Story' when i fuck everything up. (If you haven't seen the movie or read the book, this boy basically whacks out from the pressure of school and lands himself in the mental hospital after calling the suicide hotline).  I used to be a writer. I used to like writing little stories. All my life, i was sure that by sixteen (my sixteenth birthday was last week, and i pissed my family off by spending most of it in bed, not letting them see me cry, all because i really hate the person i've become) that i would have accomplished something by writing. But months ago i just stopped. Everything was bearing down on me, school, lonliness from being too afraid to talk to people (I'm sorry, just another item on my grocery list of issues). And every sentence i wrote was shit and the drill sergeant in my head would yell that to me over and over again. It wasn't art anymore, it didn't make me happy anymore, and now i can't find it. I'm sounding melodramatic when i say that it feels like i've lost something, but when you devote your entire childhood dreams to a thing, it isn't nice when it's over. I feel like i've lost an arm, or part of my face. So, yeah, i just really feel incomplete, and i'm always overwhelmed, thinking about the usual suicide, daily, while unable to do what i need to. I thought this site might help some. Thanks a bunch, if you want to respond.  
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