Defining one's own worth.
One thought that's been in my mind for years is "Am I worthy of..."
I'm constantly worried that there are so many things beyond my reach. I try to rationalize it away. But, a long time ago, I compared my life to a scientific experiment. If there is only one control constant (me) and there are many different variables (friends, relationships, mentors, opportunities) but the result is always the same, the constant must be the sole source of the outcomes. Ever since that "epiphany" I've had serious doubts as to whether I was the type to deserve love, friendship, and success. I've been told by people that everyone deserves those things if they're willing to work for them. I've worked harder than anyone I've known to keep others happy. Time and time again, though, everything I have, all my time, complete obedience, and the sacrifice of my own agenda proved to not be enough to secure the loyalty of even a single person. At what point should one simply resign to such a fate? I've been completely alone now for nine months. I don't even know what I'm trying to express, right now. Pardon the rambling.
I guess what I want to know is: since the worth of a person cannot be granted or universal, how can one's value be defined?
How can one's value be defined?
Quite a good question. I will give you my interpretation.
I think that if you imagine what a perfect person is, you see one that works hard, respects others, keeps little happiness,and tries to make the world a better place. As you said, love, relationships, work, and other things are what we often group people as of; what they are good at doing, and what they can not do.
I do not think there is the 'perfect' person as nothing is perfect. However, I think we can try to make everyone happier in our lives and make our cruel world more utopian.
I believe that worth and value are defined by the individual thinking upon them. When you think of worth, what comes to mind?Whatever comes to your mind is your standard or measurement of worth and value. Your conscious/unconscious standard is your measuring stick for success in life.
I'm not trying to be defeating but things just aren't adding up for me right now. I work so hard, every day, and I can barely keep my power on. When given the chance to love someone, I do so with every fiber of my being, yet they always end up cheating on me, stealing from me, or both. Even friendships for me are conditional. People only assign worth to me according to what they want from me.I give them what they want, they're sated, my value to them plummets, and they leave. I just don't get it.
This isn't some temporary thing either. Every person I've made the mistake of trusting in the past ten years has taken their share and left or has overtly betrayed me to the point that I needed to push them out of my life for the sake of survival.
I keep trying to simply accept that I'm just not meant to have others in my life. The problem must lie within me. How can so many others be wrong? It has to be me. There isn't any other explanation that I can conceive.
Lance it sounds like you are really strugglingright now. I am so sorry that you a feeling the way you are. I could say that most of us have felt that way at one time or another, but that would not really help except you would know you are not alone. The "friends" you were speaking of were really not friends, but people that truly don't know how to be friends or probably don't even like themselves. Those types of people can "smell" people they can use and abuse. I would suggest spending some time learning who you are and why you allow those people in your life. You can change your course and learn how to be less accessible to people who will treat you like you described and learn how to handle it when they do. I am here to chat some time if you would like.
It's totally understandable that when we have lot of bad experiences we come to doubt things around us, even ourselves. It's life, and many times its unfair but you need to understand that you are searching for fault in wrong place, it isn't within you. If someone treated you badly, it isn't because you deserve to. When we experience pain without our fault "why" is the most often felt word and painful too. It's better to leave it unanswered. Believe in yourself. Give yourself the respect others failed to give you. If you were wrong, you would have seen it and corrected it. If you aren't wrong, no amount of guilt will make you wrong but it will make you just miserable. So leave the guilt part and believe in your worth. My well wishes with you
I remember this line from the book To kill a mockingbird. "The one thing that doesn't abide by majority rules is a person's conscience " what does your conscience tell you? that you loved them with every fibre of your being. That you did everything you can. So why not believe your conscience? rather than believe a handful of people who weren't fair to you? who make you feel like you are at fault